Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Um like shut the fuck up

Are you fucking serious Ellis Lanksder? I'm not even the least bit surprised your name rhymes with wankster, because thats exactly what you look like right here. Now, I don't know you and you don't know me. And for the record, there is zero doubt in my mind that if you did happen to know me, and by some butterfly effect-type of miraculous moment in time you ever read what I'm writing about you and met me face-to-face, that you would be capable of beating the shit out of me. Like you could literally beat my ass until I shit myself out of my eyeballs, and I would probably be defenseless to stop you or even slow you down. I'm not disputing this. But all I'm saying is, you're in the freaking NFL now and you need to step up your game, both on and off the field.

I know you were a 7th round pick and are fighting to make the team, but like Ben Affleck said in Boiler Room before he became a fag and made a movie about being a freaking blind superhero, "Act as if. Act as if you are the fucking President of this firm. Act as if you got a 9" cock. Okay? Act as if."

Take Shawne Merriman for example. Merriman is one of the best players in the NFL. He has a silly mohawk and takes steroids and shakes the shit out of chicks like Tila Tequila. And do you think anyone gives a shit? Fuck no. Because he doesn't stutter like a 7th grade girl with Tourette's. He acts as if he is the fucking President of this firm and has a 90 pound dick and does whatever the fuck he wants. Act as if.

1 more thing ellis wankster lanksder....stop calling everyone sir. this isn't 1960's alabama. didn't you ever hear of a dude named obama when you were skipping your public speaking class? shit done changed man


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