Thursday, September 10, 2009

Are you ready for some football?

The NFL season starts tonight, and in honor of this momentous occasion, I would like to review two incredibly fucking retarded stories involving two superstars, Shawne Merriman and Ben Roethlisberger. I should note that sexual assault charges and domestic abuse cases are pretty much standard operating procedure in the NFL, but recently each of these stories has taken a pretty awesome turn for the better, and warrants some attention.
First, there is Shawne Merriman, the kind of guy who could make you poop your pants if you ever came across him in a dark alley. I dare you to look at that picture of him and tell me you disagree. And no you racist fucks, I'm not just saying that because he is a black dude. I'm saying it because he is a MASSIVE black dude and could rip me apart like a piece of construction paper without even thinking twice about it.

Anyway, Merriman is being investigated for choking his girlfriend, Tila Tequila, who is one of those chicks who makes me feel old and lame for not understanding why she is famous. Push comes to shove I would definitely do her, but if you don't see the resemblance between her and Stitch from Lilo & Stitch you need your eyes checked.

Merriman claimed that Tequila was shitfaced and trying to drive home from his house, and he was just trying to keep her safe. Tequila is claiming that she is allergic to alcohol, so she couldn't have been drunk and Merriman is lying. Classic case of he said/she said, but when alcohol allergies are involved, the shit is going to hit the fan every time. On another note, how a girl who goes by the name of Tila Tequila could claim to be allergic to alcohol is beyond me. Thats like the little Planter's guy saying he's allergic to peanuts. Makes no sense. But that's just a small taste of the kind of retarded shit that we must keep track of here at The World is Retarded executive complex.

Anyway, domestic abuse cases are a dime a dozen in the NFL, but this story just got a billion times better.

...witnesses at Merriman's home said the three-time Pro Bowl linebacker went to his bedroom with two women. Sources said Tequila walked into the room and Merriman asked her to join them. However, the sources said Tequila reacted angrily and threatened to have sex with a member of Merriman's entourage. According to sources, Tequila was intoxicated, and she got naked and attempted to leave the house.

Now, if I had a dollar every time my Asian side piece walked in on me in a 3some but refused to join in and instead stripped down and threatened to fuck one of my buddies, I'd be a rich, rich man. Just another day in the life, ya know?

Bottom line regardless of how this story ends up, I will always be left to wonder what the fuck it means to be allergic to alcohol.
As for Ben Roethlisberger, a few months ago some pretty ugly chick accused him of sexual assault, which he denied. Now, I can't say for certain because I'm no chick, and I'm not even a Steelers fan, but I have to imagine if a 2-time Super Bowl winning QB with the nickname "Big Ben" wants a particular piece of pussy, he wouldn't have much trouble getting it. Flash the Super Bowl rings, show off a badass scar or two, and BAM that bitch is wetter than a hobo on a rainy day.

This happened several months ago, and there's been a lot of back and forth bullshit since then, but this revelation just came out:
A lawyer for a Nevada casino worker accusing Ben Roethlisberger of sexually assaulting her last year at a Lake Tahoe resort wants a list of every woman the Steelers quarterback has slept with and any who have claimed sexual misconduct on his part. Reno attorney Calvin Dunlap filed the request late Tuesday as part of a court filing opposing motions to have the civil lawsuit dismissed. Dunlap also requested, among other things, Roethlisberger's telephone and e-mail records and for him to undergo psychiatric and physical examinations. His lawyers have suggested the same for his accuser, calling her "disturbed and calculating" and a "sex addict."

This chick is taking it to another level and clearly means business. This is like the Pearl Harbor of sexual assault cases. She's daring Big Ben to officially enter the war and fight back, but she knows it might not be worth the collateral damage it could cause him.

Its one thing to dabble in he said/she said crap like Tila Tequila, but requesting a list of every piece of ass Roethlisberger has tapped is like asking someone to count the grains of sand at the beach. The dude has his own freaking sandwich named after him for gods sake, and people with sandwiches named after them don't get there by accident. There are prerequisites and requirements, one of which is having plowed through more chicks than you can ever hope to remember. Lesson can't trust a disturbed and calculating sex addict any farther than you can throw her.

neither of these stories are as retarded as plaxico burress, who SHOT HIMSELF IN HIS OWN MOTHERFUCKING LEG!!!!!!!!!


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