Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Girl's sports at its best

What the FUCK are these parents laughing and high-fiving about? I don't care if you're the ugliest motherfucker on the planet or an adorable little girl. As Herm Edwards said, "You. Play. To. Win. The. Game." If I'm coaching this team I would throw her ass on the bench so fast it would make her head spin. Nobody plays indoor soccer to have a good time. At the end of the day the score and the W are the only things that matter. And I'm pretty sure kicking the ball like a fucking spaz and making a half-ass attempt to save it as it rolls into your own net was not in the game plan.

seriously retarded. she'll probably be in the WNBA


Right in the babymaker


"I'm gonna punch you in the ovary, that's what I'm gonna do. A straight shot. Right to the babymaker."

Dameon Gatson paid his friend $40 to punch his girlfriend in her stomach when she was 6-months pregnant. Surprise surprise the baby was born premature and died a few days later. Now Gatson is going to jail for life with no parole. Damn homie.

Now I could sit here and make some horribly offensive homemade smashmortion jokes. Like instead of a punch he could've just pushed her down the fire escape. Or scooped her stomach like a jack-o-lantern. But I'm going to take the high road here. Because as the days fade to months and the months give way to the changing of each season, I find myself more mature and sensitive to the feelings of others. And because I also want to know what the hell happened to the kid who actually punched this chick?

If you ask me, the kid who punches a fetus in the fucking face for $40 is way crazier and more dangerous than the asshole who actually pays the $40. Am I wrong here? Now I'm in no way, shape, or form a wealthy individual, but I would need a helluva lot more money than 40 bucks to punch a pregnant girl in the stomach. Don't even approach me unless you're prepared to start the bidding at $100.

i wouldn't really punch a pregnant chick for $100. i'd need at least a buck-fiddy


We have a new Nobel Peace Prize winner


A Taiwanese man has been cuffed for allegedly posing online as a "youthful male model" and persuading up to 20 females to have sex with his father, the China Daily reports.

Hsu Shian-ming's internet pitch got a lively response from women "interested in romantic liaisons". The 55-year-old scammer convinced his victims that his old man was suffering from prostate cancer - a condition which meant he needed constant sex to stay alive.

The angels of mercy obliged, administering life-saving treatment to dad in various Taipei hotels. Pop's cancer was evidently serious, because the women were "persuaded into unconventional sex acts varying from putting foreign objects in their private parts, anal sex, or threesomes", the China Daily indelicately puts it.

The wheels came off the audacious ruse after one of the women failed in her attempts to meet the son.

She called in private investigators who revealed that father and son were one and the same person. Police arrested Hsu on Saturday, and a subsequent search of his house revealed "dozens" of photos of the handsome young man used as bait.

They also found "hundreds of female pictures each with detailed descriptions on the back". During his medical treatment, Hsu had photographed his victims nude, then used the snaps to "threaten them into doing future sex favours".

Hsu allegedly also relieved his targets of cash and goods to the value of 200m Taiwan New Dollars (£3,725,000).

The worst hit was "a cougar surnamed Yu", who handed over gifts including seven iPhones, a £1,862 monthly allowance, diamond and pearl necklaces, a Porsche, and a "limited-edition watch valued at a staggering £145,000".

Hsu, described by police as a "divorced bald man" and "physically unattractive", faces five years in jail on each of multiple fraud raps.

This guy is a goddamn genius. Why in the world would someone get in trouble for this? Did they arrest Mozart when he wrote a symphony? Or God when he invented the remote control? So what makes Hsu Shian-ming any different? This guy is bald and ugly as shit and Asian to boot, but he's out there giving 110%, having anal Asian 3somes like you fucking read about and raking in Porsches and iPhones like they're going out of style. If he's OK with lying about prostate cancer than who I am to argue? The ends justify the shit out of the means.

NOT retarded. seriously, this guy is a fucking genius


Thursday, November 12, 2009

Very risky business

What do you think? Just a bump on the head? Legit concussion? I say concussion at least. Her brain could've exploded for all I know.

And how about little Florence Nightingale over here? Your BFF's skull just imploded and you tell her to lay on top of a towel? Fucking brilliant.

i never went from boner to laughter so fast in my entire life. wait what?


Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Mother Russia


A cannibal who killed and ate parts of his mother had his sentence reduced by a judge who said 'he needed to eat'.

Sergey Gavrilov secured reduced time in jail after confessing: 'I did not like the meat very much. It was too fatty. But I was so hungry, I had to eat it.'

The 27-year-old was given a lenient prison sentence because the judge said he was starving and needed to eat after spending all his money on vodka and gambling machines.


Tuesday, November 10, 2009

New Zealand = the Canada of Australia


A contest that involves children seeing how far they can throw dead rabbits has been banned in New Zealand following outcry from animal welfare campaigners.

The annual 'rabbit throw' in the South Island town of Waiau has been a tradition for years but officials have had to cancel the event following complaints from the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals (SPCA).

An animal cruelty inspector with the charity, Charles Cadwallader, said: "Do you throw your dead grandmother around for a joke at her funeral?"

First of all, I can't believe this legendary tradition has been going on this long without people like the SPCA freaking out any earlier. Considering we live in a world where dodgeball is illegal in most states, this just seems like one of those things that should've gotten banned a long time ago.

Second of all, ummmm no Charles Cadwallader I don't throw my dead grandmother around for a joke at her funeral. And might I add thats a truly terrible analogy. Maybe if these rabbits made some banging matzoh ball soup or sent me a check for a couple hundo every year for my birthday, they wouldn't be getting tossed around either. You scratch my back, I'll scratch yours, ya know?

seriously, what a fucking retarded analogy. only in new zealand....


Monday, November 9, 2009

Who punches a baby?


(Who punches a baby? Apparently these bitches do.)

A two-year-old girl was punched in the head by two teenage girls during an attempted robbery in north-west London.

The girl was with her mother when the pair were targeted by two female suspects in Preston Road, Wembley, at about 1645 GMT on Tuesday.

They demanded money from the mother, aged 23, before punching her in the arm and attacking her daughter.

The way I see it, there's 2 types of British people in this world. The first is the faggy Eurotrash type that I'm pretty sure invented techno and being hipsters. The second is the type from Green Street Hooligans, the crazy motherfuckers who say cunt like its nothing and will brawl and kill in the streets just because their soccer team lost. Frankly, this second type scares the shit out of me. So even though Brits can be fruity little Eurotrash, I'm going to assume this 2-year old who got attacked is of the Green Street hooligan crowd and knows how to take a punch to the dome. As for the mother, well, I'll be the first to admit that I'm no tough guy, but its going to take a lot more than a dead arm and messing with my hooligan baby to mug me. So teenage girls be warned.

seriously, who punches a fucking baby??


Thursday, November 5, 2009



Edinburgh University professors Gerald Lincoln and David Baird say Rudolph cannot be a male because female reindeer still have antlers at Christmas. Males shed theirs before mid-December.

Prof Lincoln said: "Rudolph classically is this red-nosed reindeer who is around at Christmas. We picture him in the snow with his antlers, but if you know anything about nature you discover that things are not quite so straightforward.

Male reindeer actually cast their antlers before Christmas, so they don't have any antlers at Christmastime.

...So you can't picture Rudolph as a big red-nosed macho male because he has cast his antlers already and can't arrive on your doorstep with his antlers on, looking handsome."

Looking handsome? Give me a fucking break professor. Shit like this is why Obama won a Nobel Peace Prize before doing jackshit. Because instead of curing cancer or saving the environment or inventing X-Ray vision or something, scientists like Gerald Lincoln and David Baird are researching the gender of imaginary fucking animals that fly around the whole world in under 24 hours. The. World. Is. Retarded.

any bets that the professors are still virgins?


Not dressed for success


A corporate executive with electronic retail giant Best Buy says a United Airlines gate agent denied him a seat in the first class cabin because he was wearing a track suit.

...Alvarez said the gate agent called his name and when he walked up to the counter for his upgrade, the agent said he was dressed too casually for first class.

"I was humiliated and embarrassed," Alvarez said.
Oh sorry, I didn't know when I went to the airport I had to get through security PLUS the fucking fashion police. Flying sucks dick as it is, and comfortable clothes are the key to not having to adjust your balls every 10 minutes for the next 4 hours. Your nuts and the fat bastard next to you will be thankful for it. Plus this guy is wearing Puma, which I'm pretty sure is the fucking Armani of track suits.

And how about goddamn United Airlines pulling this holier than thou shit? Really grinds my gears. If I were them, I'd spend a little less time worrying about what outfits people are wearing and a little more time on what to do about the man, the myth, the legend: Jet Blue. Because make no mistake about it, Jet Blue is freaking awesome. Get stoned, board your plane, eat a warm cookie, relax in your big leather chair, and watch some live TV. LIVE FUCKING TV!! Its air travel the way God intended it. And I'm sorry other airlines, but why you think an entire plane full of people would want to watch Miss Congeniality 2 or an edited version of fucking Van Helsing is beyond me. I'm just trying to hold my poop in until we land, and the least you could do is show me a movie that you didn't find on a cardboard shelf at 7-11.

on the other hand, if you're flying first class, step up your game bro


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