BREAKING NEWS!!!

RUDOLPH THE RED NOSED REINDEER IS A FEMALE

Edinburgh University professors Gerald Lincoln and David Baird say Rudolph cannot be a male because female reindeer still have antlers at Christmas. Males shed theirs before mid-December.

Prof Lincoln said: "Rudolph classically is this red-nosed reindeer who is around at Christmas. We picture him in the snow with his antlers, but if you know anything about nature you discover that things are not quite so straightforward.

Male reindeer actually cast their antlers before Christmas, so they don't have any antlers at Christmastime.

...So you can't picture Rudolph as a big red-nosed macho male because he has cast his antlers already and can't arrive on your doorstep with his antlers on, looking handsome."

Looking handsome? Give me a fucking break professor. Shit like this is why Obama won a Nobel Peace Prize before doing jackshit. Because instead of curing cancer or saving the environment or inventing X-Ray vision or something, scientists like Gerald Lincoln and David Baird are researching the gender of imaginary fucking animals that fly around the whole world in under 24 hours. The. World. Is. Retarded.

VERDICT:
any bets that the professors are still virgins?

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Not dressed for success

MAN SAYS UNITED DENIED HIM FIRST CLASS SEAT DUE TO TRACK SUIT

A corporate executive with electronic retail giant Best Buy says a United Airlines gate agent denied him a seat in the first class cabin because he was wearing a track suit.

...Alvarez said the gate agent called his name and when he walked up to the counter for his upgrade, the agent said he was dressed too casually for first class.

"I was humiliated and embarrassed," Alvarez said.

Oh sorry, I didn't know when I went to the airport I had to get through security PLUS the fucking fashion police. Flying sucks dick as it is, and comfortable clothes are the key to not having to adjust your balls every 10 minutes for the next 4 hours. Your nuts and the fat bastard next to you will be thankful for it. Plus this guy is wearing Puma, which I'm pretty sure is the fucking Armani of track suits.

And how about goddamn United Airlines pulling this holier than thou shit? Really grinds my gears. If I were them, I'd spend a little less time worrying about what outfits people are wearing and a little more time on what to do about the man, the myth, the legend: Jet Blue. Because make no mistake about it, Jet Blue is freaking awesome. Get stoned, board your plane, eat a warm cookie, relax in your big leather chair, and watch some live TV. LIVE FUCKING TV!! Its air travel the way God intended it. And I'm sorry other airlines, but why you think an entire plane full of people would want to watch Miss Congeniality 2 or an edited version of fucking Van Helsing is beyond me. I'm just trying to hold my poop in until we land, and the least you could do is show me a movie that you didn't find on a cardboard shelf at 7-11.

VERDICT:
on the other hand, if you're flying first class, step up your game bro

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No use crying over spilled milk....but beer is a different story

If this isn't one of the saddest fucking things you've ever seen......well, then I respect you because you must have seen some fucked up shit in your day.

VERDICT:
a goddamn shame

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Worst wedding ever

KORDEZA ZHELYAZKOVA, 11, GIVES BIRTH ON WEDDING DAY

Kordeza Zhelyazkova was still wearing her wedding dress and tiara when she arrived at hospital and gave birth to little Violeta.

The schoolgirl, of Sliven, Bulgaria, fell pregnant within just two weeks of her 11th birthday.

She gave birth last week with 19-year-old husband Jeliazko Dimitrov at her side.

"I'm not going to play with toys any more - I have a new toy now," Kordeza told Britain's News of the World newspaper. "She is so beautiful, I love her. Violeta is the child and I must grow up. I am not going back to school - I am a mother now."

Kordeza met Jeliazko in the playground of her gypsy school when he rescued her from bullies.

Whoa whoa whoa hold the phones for a second. I don't know how many of you people have ever spent time on a playground at a gypsy school, but let me be the first to tell you, that shit is hardcore. The bullies are ruthless. Shit's legit. Its dog eat dog out there. Makes Bloods vs. Crypts look like Bert and Ernie. So if you rescue a girl from bullies on the playground of her gypsy school, you're a real life American hero. Or Bulgarian hero, whatever. Either way, you'd be raw dogging it within a week too, just like Jeliazko. This damsel in distress getting knocked up is actually the least surprising thing I've heard all day.

Plus, who am I to judge this chick for getting preggers AND married before her 12th birthday? First of all I dunno how they do things over in Bulgaria, but maybe that's the norm over there. And secondly, I was getting HJ's on the reg when I was like 12, so married and pregnant by 11 isn't that much of a stretch. And like they say, those who live in glass houses....

VERDICT:
for the record, jeliazko is still facing jail time for having sex with a minor. but he should be getting a purple fucking heart for his bravery out on the gypsy schoolyard

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Retarded weapon of the year

JUDGE: MAN WHO BIT NEIGHBOR DURING CLINTON TOWNSHIP SCUFFLE USED HIV AS A WEAPON

Clinton Township's Daniel Allen could face up to 15 years in prison after a judge today ordered him to stand trial on allegations he bit his neighbor on the face and used the HIV virus as a weapon. Allen, 44,told reporters last week that he is HIV positive and admitted to biting his neighbor, Winfred Fernandis Jr., after neighborhood kids tossed a football into his yard.

Are you fucking joking me Daniel Allen? HIV as a weapon is worse than the goddamn golden gun!! And that thing was the TITS. Just 1 shot to any part of the body and bam you're done. Grazed toe? Dead. Whizzed past your ear? Dead. Definitely not as badass as the RC-P90, but a billion times more effective.

Anyway, I would rather get fucking curb stomped than get infected with HIV in a fight. I know Magic Johnson has lived forever with that shit, but the dude's name is Magic, what the hell do you expect?

VERDICT:
after some deliberation, the ruling is in. and in a unanimous decision, using HIV as a weapon is super fucking retarded. and i am HIV-positive about that

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Call a carpenter, because this kid is cutting up the dance floor

Hot damn does this kid have some moves or does this kid have some moves?! And his old man is loving it!! At first the guy on stilts must have been pissed when he had his spotlight stolen, but the beat started thumping and the bitches started dripping and everyone's foot got a-tapping and it was pretty clear who the better performer on this day was. The people spoke and you can be damn sure they got what they wanted. Its the Code of the Streets. And the boardwalk. Not even a dude on stilts can argue with that.

Besides, he asked for it when he started tossing young MJ around. Nothing says dance-off like being swung between a creepy dude's legs.

VERDICT:
if the world is retarded doesn't work out, at least there's always dancing on stilts at the boardwalk

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DVR this

Call me crazy, but I just don't get it. Is this still the effects of dropping nuclear bombs on Japan? I mean, I understand the concept of lost in translation or whatever, but this level of confusion transcends culture and language. This only makes sense if your grandparents had their brains melted by the Enola Gay, right? Or is this the same feeling Japanese people get when they see clips of Dog the Bounty Hunter or Hell's Kitchen or something? This is going to bother me all fucking weekend.

VERDICT:
i have nothing more to add without being extremely racist

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Douchebags of the day

BROTHERS SENTENCED FOR ATTACKING AND URINATING ON THEIR GRANDMOTHER

Video Courtesy of KSL.com

Well that headline just about says it all. My only question is, how do 2 dudes go to jail for 1 year for punching and pissing on their own freaking grandmother, but Plaxico Burress goes to jail for 2 years for shooting HIMSELF IN HIS OWN leg? Who would you rather be locked away and kept away from you?

VERDICT:
grandma still loves them.

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Ah ha, hush that fuss, everybody move to the back of the bus

Jiminy freaking Christmas!! Imagine getting on the bus for work in the morning, minding your own business reading The World is Retarded on your iPhone, when all of a sudden this shit goes down? Freaking terrifying, not to mention a HUGE upset in the women's division of Race Wars: Black vs. Chinese. Black lady was probably a 4:1 favorite at least, but Chinese lady came roaring at her like Buster Douglas against Mike Tyson. Bitch was NOT fucking around. If she had turned into one of those Chinese New Year's dragons and just ate the black lady in 1 bite, I wouldn't have been the least bit surprised.

Imagine if Rosa Parks pulled this shit? Obama would've been president 30 fucking years ago!!

VERDICT:
i'm not going to call this retarded, because i am genuinely terrified of that Chinese lady hunting me down

P.S. I love how the lady who breaks up the fight pulls the immature card at 1:42. Like these 2 dainty ladies are going to suddenly shake it off and realize how immature they're acting.

P.P.S. Is there anything more chaotic than a bunch of Chinese people screaming at each other?

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