Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Call a carpenter, because this kid is cutting up the dance floor

Hot damn does this kid have some moves or does this kid have some moves?! And his old man is loving it!! At first the guy on stilts must have been pissed when he had his spotlight stolen, but the beat started thumping and the bitches started dripping and everyone's foot got a-tapping and it was pretty clear who the better performer on this day was. The people spoke and you can be damn sure they got what they wanted. Its the Code of the Streets. And the boardwalk. Not even a dude on stilts can argue with that.

Besides, he asked for it when he started tossing young MJ around. Nothing says dance-off like being swung between a creepy dude's legs.

if the world is retarded doesn't work out, at least there's always dancing on stilts at the boardwalk


Friday, October 16, 2009

DVR this

Call me crazy, but I just don't get it. Is this still the effects of dropping nuclear bombs on Japan? I mean, I understand the concept of lost in translation or whatever, but this level of confusion transcends culture and language. This only makes sense if your grandparents had their brains melted by the Enola Gay, right? Or is this the same feeling Japanese people get when they see clips of Dog the Bounty Hunter or Hell's Kitchen or something? This is going to bother me all fucking weekend.

i have nothing more to add without being extremely racist


Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Douchebags of the day


Video Courtesy of KSL.com

Well that headline just about says it all. My only question is, how do 2 dudes go to jail for 1 year for punching and pissing on their own freaking grandmother, but Plaxico Burress goes to jail for 2 years for shooting HIMSELF IN HIS OWN leg? Who would you rather be locked away and kept away from you?

grandma still loves them.


Ah ha, hush that fuss, everybody move to the back of the bus

Jiminy freaking Christmas!! Imagine getting on the bus for work in the morning, minding your own business reading The World is Retarded on your iPhone, when all of a sudden this shit goes down? Freaking terrifying, not to mention a HUGE upset in the women's division of Race Wars: Black vs. Chinese. Black lady was probably a 4:1 favorite at least, but Chinese lady came roaring at her like Buster Douglas against Mike Tyson. Bitch was NOT fucking around. If she had turned into one of those Chinese New Year's dragons and just ate the black lady in 1 bite, I wouldn't have been the least bit surprised.

Imagine if Rosa Parks pulled this shit? Obama would've been president 30 fucking years ago!!

i'm not going to call this retarded, because i am genuinely terrified of that Chinese lady hunting me down

P.S. I love how the lady who breaks up the fight pulls the immature card at 1:42. Like these 2 dainty ladies are going to suddenly shake it off and realize how immature they're acting.

P.P.S. Is there anything more chaotic than a bunch of Chinese people screaming at each other?


You can't make a hoe a housewife


I had my first orgasm at the age of 17. I was sitting at my desk at school when all of a sudden, I felt a warm, pulsing feeling in my genital area. My vagina flared up and I couldn't think straight. It was like someone had squeegeed my thoughts away. I was like, whoa, what's that? It felt really erotic and good, but I was also freaked out, scared, and confused. After that, it started happening a few times a day. I searched online for spontaneous orgasms, but all I found was weird porn.

It kept getting worse. During my second semester of senior year, I counted orgasms on a sheet of paper. I was having 100 and 200 a day. I ran to hide in the bathroom between classes to relieve the pressure.

By the time I started college, the orgasms became even more intense and disruptive, and I was having trouble concentrating. I became really depressed. I didn't know what was wrong with me, and I wasn't getting any better. I cried a lot. I hid in the bathroom. I became violently protective of my privacy. In the beginning, I told everyone I trusted about my condition. People said things like: "You're so lucky!" and "Dude, I'd love to date you." They didn't understand why I wanted it to go away, and labeled me a drama queen. The school psychiatrist thought I was crazy. After my sophomore year, I bought a bunch of vibrators and took medical leave.

One day in 2003, a friend sent me an article in the Boston Globe about a newly discovered condition called Persistent Sexual Arousal Syndrome*. When I read it, I started crying hysterically — it described exactly what I was going through. I immediately made an appointment at the institute the article linked to, and after hours of tests, I was diagnosed with PSAS. My engorged genitalia and hypersensitivity made me a textbook case. Every other doctor had thought I was just a delusional hypochondriac.

So this chick thinks she has Persistent Sexual Arousal Disorder? I don't know what quacks she went to that told her that, but this is the easiest fucking diagnosis in the history of medicine. This is like the first lesson on Day 1 of med. school. Hmmm your pussy drips like a New Orleans basement and you cum 200 times a day? Wammo! You're a horny slut. Luckily for you it is treatable with a daily dose of dick, dick, and some more dick. Instead of making up some bullshit about an Arousal Disorder, the doctors should've told her to embrace her magical pussy and start her own website or something. Problem solved.

This slut goes on to say:
PSAS feels like having a second heartbeat. No, it's more than that. It's alive — it has its own life force, a mind of its own. I often wonder if this is how teenage boys feel about their erections.
Funny you should ask, because that's exactly how teenage boys feel about their erections. Teenage boys and every other member of the male species between the ages of 11 and dead. And we all know that a random boner is like a scab. If you pick at it, it will only get worse. If you leave it alone, it will eventually go away.

Back in the day I used to get boners on the school bus every goddamn morning. And you know why? Me neither. No clue. There was no fucking rhyme or reason to it. But I didn't cry about it or hide in the bathroom or buy a bunch of dildos and go on medical leave. I tucked that young whippersnapper up into my waistband and rattled off as many state capitals in my head as possible. Done and done.

this is the prime difference between chicks and guys. if a chick tallies up her 200 orgasms a day on a piece of paper, she's a fucking legend. if a guy tallies up all his orgasms a day, he's just a retarded creep with a sticky piece of paper


Monday, October 12, 2009

Harmonica blues


According to Decai Liu’s arrest report, his roommate was in the bathroom getting ready for work when Liu burst in and started beating him with the instrument.

Liu, 52, was charged Thursday with assault with a dangerous weapon in the attack last Saturday in the 4500 block of West Norman Street in Broken Arrow, court records show.

Liu’s roommate told police that “I don’t know what his problem was,” the report indicates.
First of all, since when does a fucking harmonica qualify as a dangerous weapon? Have you ever seen ANYBODY playing a harmonica and thought, "Oh shit, this guy and his harmonica look like trouble." No fucking way. The harmonica is probably the 3rd pussiest instrument to play after the accordion and the harp, and both could do more damage than a little harmonica. Unless your name is John Popper. Because that guy could make a harmonica fucking ROCK.

Secondly, how does the roommate say he had no idea what Liu's problem was? Your roommate beat you up with a fucking harmonica dude!! You must have not refilled the Brita or left your poop in the toilet or done something to deserve it. Because I refuse to believe we live in a society where unprovoked harmonica attacks can happen to everyday people like you and me. That's not the America I signed up for.

this raises the age-old question of who is nerdier: the guy who beats someone up with a harmonica? or the nerd who gets his ass beat with a harmonica? its like the chicken or the egg of the new millennium


Damn dirty apes

Am I crazy or does that picture look fucking absurd? Since when do we perform eye surgeries on animals?

A 42-year-old gorilla with severe cataracts received eye surgery at the Miami MetroZoo Friday. Doctors in Miami removed the cataracts from Josephine the gorilla's eyes and implanted new lenses.

The surgery is common among humans, but it is rarely done on gorillas because the animals rarely live past 50.
Oh, OK. So cataract surgery is rarely done on gorillas because they don't live past 50. Makes sense. But what about the fact that THEY ARE FUCKING GORILLAS????



Respecting your elders way too much


State investigators are reporting that a nursing assistant at a St. Louis Park nursing home sexually abused a resident who has dementia.

The report released today says Texas Terrace Care Center has suspended the employee and police have referred the case for possible criminal sexual conduct charges.

Four earlier cases of nursing home abuse have been uncovered in Minnesota since August 2008.

In the latest finding, the state Health Department says the resident reported that the nursing assistant kissed her on the mouth and touched her sexually in July. Two other residents said the employee had kissed them, with one saying he touched her stomach.

Part of me wants to play a little devil's advocate here. I mean, a good day in this old lady's life is probably only shitting herself once a day. Plus with the dementia she can't remember her asshole from her elbow. So this sexual abuse is probably the most action she's gotten in years. Probably since people still thought you could get AIDS from using a public bathroom.

On the other hand, she's old as fuck. And I think the argument can be made that sexually abusing old people in a nursing home is even worse than molesting little kids. I'm not saying it is or it isn't, just that with a little research and an open mind, the case could be made. Based on my extensive experience of getting stoned and watching the National Geographic Channel, I know that regular rapists and pedophiles are considered the ultimate scumbags in jail. But where do old people-rapers stand? They've gotta be a close second, right?

this happened in minnesota. in somewhere called st. louis park. at some place called the texas terrace care center. no wonder this lady had dementia, she didn't even know where the fuck she was


Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Hot dogs and hamboogers

Boogers, farts, and drunk stepdads. And this, my friends, is the kind of hard hitting news story that get Matt Lauer and Tom Brokaw wet in the morning. Investigative news at its finest.

Police say the bizarre incident began to unfold late Friday night after the family stopped for some fast food on the way home. Once inside, the 12-year-old and LaDuke, who police say was intoxicated, began arguing before he allegedly picked his nose, put the mucus in the hamburger and tried to get her to consume it. She refused, and LaDuke allegedly grew more angry when her 9-year-old sister passed gas, sparking laughter from the family, according to Sgt. Eric Clifford, a city police spokesman.

LaDuke then uttered something along the lines that "you think that's funny," after which the older girl sprinted off the second-floor porch. She broke her arm, sprained an ankle and suffered cuts and bruises to her face, Clifford said. Despite the woman's pleas to call for help, LaDuke grabbed a 2-year-old child and left the home.

First of all, what the hell does "grabbed a 2-year old child and left the home" mean? Who the fuck was this 2-year old? Were there babies just laying around, ripe for the picking? Seems a little weird.

But more importantly, you are goddamn right we think farts are funny, Cliff LaDuke. Since when did drunk stepdads earn the right to act all high and mighty? Maybe you should get off your booger-wiping pedestal and loosen up a bit. Maybe fart in your hand and throw it at someone? Child psychologists have proven time and time again that fart throwing is way more effective than making little girls eat your boogers.

how stinky must that girl's fart have been to make her sister jump off the fucking porch? broken arm and a sprained ankle just trying to evade a fart? god bless her because that girl must be packing some thunder. fart box jr.?


I love fishes cuz they're sooo delcious

How the fuck is this even news? OK, so she fried the goldfish, which is either really fucking weird or really fucking delicious, but I mean, is there a less respected animal on the entire planet than the pet goldfish? Who the shit cares? They cost like 3 cents to buy, swim in a tiny bowl of their own poop all day, and can be won as a consolation prize at a fucking carnival. Not to mention pet goldfish have an average life expectancy of what, 4 days? Though I should say my sister once had the same goldfish for over 3 years, and to this day it is the most incredible feat I have ever witnessed. How that little guy went that much time without going belly up and flushed down a toilet defies all goldfish odds. He was like the Magic Johnson of goldfish.

sure eating your ex's pet goldfish is totally fucking retarded, but also possibly the worst revenge imaginable. you gotta hit him where it hurts honey, not fry his pets that were going to die in 12 hours anyway


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