Monday, June 29, 2009

Sharapova, so hot right now


Former female tennis star Chris Evert is bitching about all the grunting that current women's tennis players have been unleashing on the court.

Grunting is one thing but the shrill sound that you hear with players nowadays, and especially they get louder when they hit a winner, that's the thing that I observe as a player.
I gotta be honest. Those grunts and shrill sounds during a match can be freaking awesome. Take Maria Sharapova for example. She's probably the most popular woman's tennis player in the world, and also pretty smoking hot.

And sure, she is 6'2" and her vagina would probably eat me alive, but those orgasms she has during a match keep me tuned in, and I'm sure I'm not the only one. You think Nike or SportsCenter are doing Sharapova ads if she keeps it in her pants all the time? No freaking way.

The women's tennis tour knows what it's doing here, and the ratings don't lie. Take notes, WNBA.

shut the fuck up chris evert. don't ruin the best thing your sport has going for it just because nobody wants to hear you busting a nut

P.S. Ana Ivanovic, I love you.


Friday, June 26, 2009

Ship's ahoy motherfuckers

Are you one of those people who wakes up in the morning and says, "Goddamn, I am so sick of these fucking Somalian pirates. I wish I could shoot grenades and machine guns at them"? Well guess what? Now you can man up and put your money where your mouth is.

Luxury ocean liners in Russia are offering pirate hunting cruises aboard armed private yachts off the Somali coast.

Wealthy punters pay £3,500 per day to patrol the most dangerous waters in the world hoping to be attacked by raiders.

When attacked, they retaliate with grenade launchers, machine guns and rocket launchers, reports Austrian business paper Wirtschaftsblatt.

Passengers, who can pay an extra £5 a day for an AK-47 machine gun and £7 for 100 rounds of ammo, are also protected by a squad of ex special forces troops.

Nothing says badass like heading out on a Russian ocean liner, cruising to the Somalian coast to intentionally piss off modern-day pirates, and then shoot at them with a barrage of rockets, grenades, and machine guns. The only other place you could ever use a grenade or rocket launcher that I know if is in Goldeneye for Nintendo 64. Imagine if they offered a golden gun or the RC-P90 to shoot these pirates? I would jizz myself quicker than a 14-year old getting a lap dance in mesh shorts.

Seriously, if this isn't the coolest fucking vacation you could ever go on, I don't know what is. Maybe going to space to ring and run an alien's house? Actually that's not even close. Somalian pirate hunting missions sounds like something the Dos Equis guy would do. And I want in on the action.

kind of retarded that you can actually pay to go out and blow people away with a grenade or rocket launcher, but i guess if its a somalian pirate nobody is going to complain. PETA might, because they seem to bitch about everything, but whatever, i'd pay to shoot grenades at them too


"I didn't think they'd use puppies"


I was going to call this dumb bitch a dumb bitch for falling for an online Nigerian scam. She paid $850 for 2 Yorkshire terrier puppies from Nigeria, but - surprise, surprise - they never came.

But in her defense, this story involved kind-hearted missionaries plus puppies, 2 things that, when combined, overshadow the fact that you have to send money to someone you don't know in a place like Nigeria. I mean, the name of the country is practically the n-word. I wouldn't trust that shit, but who would think to question the motives of a missionary? And then if you throw puppies into the equation, you just become blinded by their cuteness, and all bets are off after that.

fucking adorable


Spark that shit


A 2-year old kid in China is now known as the world's youngest smoker, after his dad admitted he taught his son how to smoke as a baby to ease the pain from a hernia he was too young to have surgery for. The kid is now smoking a pack a day.

This might make a tiny little bit of sense if he was at least smoking weed to ease his pain, but this kid is just chain-smoking butts all day. What the hell good does that do? If he can't have one, he starts screaming and rolling around on the floor, kind of how I get when my dealer won't text me back. But I'm a grown ass dude, not a Chinese baby. And no weed for me = no awesome blog for you.

newsflash of the future: 2-year old in china becomes youngest person to die of lung cancer


90's PSA Friday

Last week saw the start of the world-renowned 90's PSA Friday. I'm pretty sure this video below was just made so people could laugh at it 15 years later. That's the only reasonable explanation. So thanks to whoever thought this was a good idea.

if you know someone who loves "thats what she said jokes", show this to them and it will make their head explode


Tuesday, June 23, 2009

She also shits on the ground, eats hay, and has a 22-inch dick

Are you tired of walking around and blending in like everyone else? Are you ready to look like a total fuckhead? This might be the perfect invention for you.

i can't think of a single good purpose for this. this lady looks ridiculous. she's just clomping least gallop or jump over a fence or something


Those who can't do, teach...and those who can't teach, chill out in the rubber room


NEW YORK – Hundreds of New York City public school teachers accused of offenses ranging from insubordination to sexual misconduct are being paid their full salaries to sit around all day playing Scrabble, surfing the Internet or just staring at the wall, if that's what they want to do.

Because their union contract makes it extremely difficult to fire them, the teachers have been banished by the school system to its "rubber rooms" — off-campus office space where they wait months, even years, for their disciplinary hearings.

Holy shit are you kidding me? These teachers are getting paid 70 grand a year to do NOTHING!!! I have 3 things to say to this: Sign. Me. Up.

suddenly becoming a nyc teacher is the 2nd best job ever, right after living on a tropical island in australia. (update: bump both of those 1 spot down the list. this is officially the best job of all time)


Retard of the day


Kimberly Vlamnick got a bunch of stars tattooed on her face last week. 56 stars to be exact. When she realized how fucking horrible she looked, she claimed she fell asleep while getting the tat and had no idea she would wake up with that many stars drawn on her face. How the hell anyone could fall asleep while getting tattoos on their face is completely beyond me, but this is the bullshit Kimberly tried telling everyone.

But now she has admitted that she is a dirty, dirty liar, and a fucking horrendous liar at that. "I asked for 56 stars and initially adored them. But when my father saw them, he was furious."

Ummmm no shit Kimberly. You think your dad would've been happy that your face looked like the cover of Goodnight Moon? You're lucky he didn't beat the stars right off of you. Is that one on your ear? Really???

the 56 tattoos was retarded enough. but to try to say you fell asleep while getting your face tattooed is completely fucked. to top it off, this is a picture of the guy who did the tattoos. classic


Fat kid of the day

Weirdo. Chubby. AND a ginger kid. This kid is fucked.


Monday, June 22, 2009

Happy father's day

This video is dedicated to dad's everywhere in honor of Father's Day, who can all be happier than a pig in shit that this isn't their son. Unless you're the 1 guy who's son this is, than that just sucks.

The kid's mom deleted his World of Warcraft account, and his brother recorded him freaking the fuck out.

Just a warning, this has the potential to be one of the top 5 greatest YouTube clips of all time. One day you will look back at this moment, and you will remember exactly what you were doing and where you were doing it and everyone who you were with when you first saw this clip. And a smile will slowly slide across your face as you begin to think back to how much this clip not only changed you, but changed the way you saw the world and changed the way the world saw you.

And as you think back to similar life-altering moments throughout the course of history, for as long as the sands of destiny have sifted through the hour glass of life, you begin to wonder how many lucky others have had the opportunity to stand at this crossroads of time with their own fate in their hands. And then you realize you were just high as shit and seriously have NO idea what is wrong with this kid, but goddamn it is fun to watch.

did he stick the TV remote up his ass at 1:10? where the hell did that come from???


Saturday, June 20, 2009



New Yorkers hungry for burgers and nostalgia can look no further than 12 miles across the Hudson River come this weekend.

Sonic Drive-in, the burger chain where rollerskating staff deliver piping hot burgers and fries to parked cars (gum popping and bobby socks optional), has finally made it to the metro area.

Rather than make the 100-plus mile journey to the next closest location in Delaware, fans of the chain will be able to scarf down the chain's eats in Hasbrouck Heights, NJ, starting tomorrow.

"We're a drive-in concept much like you saw years ago, when you actually had drive-ins. There's just not many of them left anymore," Sonic Senior Vice President Drew Ritger told the Bergen Record.

The chain which started as a hamburger and root beer stand in 1953 in Shawnee, Okla., has over 3,500 restaurants nationwide, but this is the first tri-state area location.

They had scouted Big Apple locations in the past, but couldn't find enough space to house at least 20 car stalls.



Friday, June 19, 2009

Role model of the day

Kenyon Martin, showing what the NBA is all about.

Little known fact: Kenyon was actually talking to the kid from the picture below.

There's something to be said for calling someone a "muthafuck" instead of a "muthafucker." Maybe its just me, but taking out the -er just sounds more hateful. Try it sometime. YOU MUTHAFUCK.

the nba. where caring happens


Sweet purse



90's PSA Friday

its ironic/retarded that this video is wayyyy more entertaining if you're stoned. thanks, early-90's. in other news, i just found my new ringtone


The foxy flight attendant rap

I know what you're thinking. Why are these lovely women beat boxing? Is this supposed to be a rap? What the hell is going on here?? The only answer to these questions is, who the shit cares??

These girls could be singing 99 bottles of beer on the wall in Chinese-pig latin for all I care. Quickly, rank their hotness from 1-5........Trick question. Its impossible! Picking a hotter girl from these 5 is like arguing about the chicken and egg. You've got a hot dirty blonde, a hot brunette, 2 regular hot blondes, and the hot half-black chick in the middle with tits from heaven.

not retarded at all. this is awesome


Thursday, June 18, 2009

Shitty credit

CL boob jobVERDICT:
whats even more retarded than her asking is that someone will probably do it


Lord of the flies, and the entire universe

Reason #843 why Barack Obama is the man: Ninja reflexes.

Now, I'm not very political, and thats not the point of this site at all. If something in the news doesn't concern my fantasy baseball team or some sweet titties, I'm probably not interested. And yea, I voted for Obama, but it was mostly because he plays basketball and watches The Wire. But regardless of who you voted for, you can't deny that Obama is the fucking man. He's our generation's Frank Sinatra or Fonzie.

A while ago I asked a friend of mine, who's both a big golfer and a big pot smoker, if he would rather golf 18 holes with Tiger Woods, or smoke a joint with Barack. He answered smoking with Barack quicker than the man, the myth, the legend himself swatted that fly.

It should also be noted that if George Bush ever tried to pull this off, he probably would've slapped a baby or poked his own eyeball out.



White men can't jump, these black dudes can't dance

Wow. What the fuck is going on here?? Apparently the song is from a Zelda video game, but I had no idea black dudes even played video games other than Madden, let alone had dance parties to the Zelda soundtrack.

On a sidenote, big up to the Indian dude from Parks and Recreation for posting this video on his blog. Not that he reads this site (your loss Indian dude from Parks and Recreation), but apparently I should be crediting other websites when I find shit like this. Whatever.

this is like a weirder, gayer boyz II men video


Take me out to the ballgame....then kick me out for being too awesome


Some umpire at a high school baseball game in Iowa ejected over 100 spectators from the game for being "unruly." Now, I can admit that umpires have a pretty thankless job. If they do their job right, nobody notices, but if they screw up, everyone hates them. However, I still have several issues with this schmuck in Iowa.

First of all, this is the most un-fucking-American thing I have ever heard of. Baseball is our national past time, and if you can't get drunk and yell obscenities here, what the hell are you supposed to do? Be one of those fucking weirdos who goes to a game listening to the radio broadcast on his walkman and keeps his own score card? Fuck that. You know where else they kick fans out for heckling? Fucking Baghdad. And Nazi Germany. And probably North Korea too. (Or maybe South Korea? Whatever the bad one is with the funny little guy in charge.)

Secondly, unless I'm playing in the game, this ump has zero authority over me. I know it. He knows it. Everyone should know this. As far as I'm concerned, I would tell this ump to take the $25 he makes per game and stick it up his cunt. OK, I probably wouldn't say cunt if there were parents around because I'm kind of a pussy and I wouldn't want any of the parents in attendance to tell my mom what I said. But I digress. This isn't the 18th at Augusta. This is a freaking high school baseball game!! Heckling is just as much a part of baseball as Dominicans, sunflower seeds, and steroids.

Its also important to remember that this game was in Iowa. Last I checked, the Hawkeye State wasn't exactly a thriving cultural center. Once you get kicked out of the local high school baseball game, your entire weekend is pretty much shot. All because of some shithead umpire.

fuck you ump. go shove your 25 bucks up your cunt


Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Little kids eating pavement

If you don't think this is funny, you either have no sense of humor, or are a pretentious shit-eater.

i'm pretty sure the forefathers of the internet did not have this kind of thing in mind when they were doing.....whatever it is someone would do to invent the internet, but thank god they did


Sunday, June 7, 2009

You got knocked the fuckkk out

Two things. 1. Note its the kid to his left that is fucking with him. 2. Why the fuck did he take his shirt off?

closed-fist is usually always better than an open-hand bitch slap, but in this case the bitch slap was fucking AWESOME. and now that i think about it, ripping your shirt off before slapping someone out of their goddamn chair is fucking badass. touche


Monday, June 1, 2009

Retard of the day


The chances might have been slim to none with his dick, but without one he will never bang Megan Fox. Sucks to be you, retard.
(I can only assume Megan Fox is better than a picture of a guy with his dick cut off. Much better.)

CAIRO (AP) — A 25-year-old Egyptian man cut off his own penis to spite his family after he was refused permission to marry a girl from a lower-class family, police reported Sunday.

After unsuccessfully petitioning his father for two years to marry the girl, the man heated up a knife and sliced off his reproductive organ, a police official said.

This is the ultimate catch-22. Sure you may think you're spiting your family by cutting your dick off, but in the long run you're really just fucking yourself. But since you no longer have a dick, its impossible to fuck yourself. Condundrum!!

whether you're married or not, you're gonna need that dick, buddy. have fun sitting to piss the rest of your life


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