Friday, August 14, 2009

Deez nuts

Seattle Mariners third baseman Adrian Beltre was placed on the D.L. yesterday after taking a bad hop to the groin area. Usually this wouldn't be too noteworthy, except, well, read for yourself:

There was some tearing of the testicle and apparently is some internal bleeding in there. The team is going to wait a bit to see whether he requires surgery.
Ahhhhhhh what the fuck!?? Internal bleeding in his nuts?? You'd think Beltre would be able to afford a few of these after signing his not-quite-worth-it $64 million contract back in 2005. Now any hopes he has of pumping out any little Beltres are as ruined as his own balls.

Bottom line, what separates the pretenders from the contenders in baseball is knowing the time and place to whip your nuts out. Fielding a ground ball? Keep it in your pants. Having some PVI with the likes of Jessica Biel, Minka Kelly, Scarlett Johansen, Gabrielle Union, or Jessica Alba? Let your nuts breathe. Its pretty much the golden rule of baseball. That's why Derek Jeter is a fucking champion, and why Adrian Beltre is named after Rocky's ugly wife.

The new murderer's row...worth protecting your junk for.

2 things i never want associated with my testicles, in no particular order: tearing and internal bleeding


"We should mention that although the waters above appear calm, below the surface there is a frenzy of activity."

Note: Just watch the video on Youtube.

I don't know about you, but I am sick and tired of all this violence going on in international women's water polo. Its a horrible black eye on this worldwide sport that means so much to so many, and the spirit of competition just doesn't need it. People watch these events for the entertainment of the game and the beauty of the athlete's efficiency in the water, and also because some of the chicks probably look hot when they climb out of the pool.

But this aqua-violence has got to stop. If these chicks are going to be fighting and throwing sucker punches, they need to do it outside of the pool, so when a titty pops out or the inevitable scissoring goes down, its much more visible and well worth the price of admission. And as we all know, titties popping out and scissoring is just as much a part of women's water polo as the water and the umm.....polo.



Thursday, August 13, 2009

What the FUCK is this???


The expert research team here at The World is Retarded comes across some pretty fucked up shit on a regular basis, but sometimes we come across stuff that clearly stands out for its fucked-upedness. Like this video, which is apparently of some tadpoles feeding on the eggs of the mountain chicken frog fresh out of the womb. Personally I prefer my mountain chicken frog eggs over easy with a side of toast and hash browns, but that's just me.

what the hell is a mountain chicken frog? is that like manbearpig?


Bambi is jealous


Janet Schwartz has been living in Vancouver with a pet deer in her home for the past 5 years, and now the government is trying to evict it because, you really need a freaking because? She LIVES WITH A DEER for fuck sake! Schwartz claims she rescued the deer, Bimbo, from its dead mother 5 years ago and took it in, and has been raising it ever since.

Since then, Bimbo has slept on a bed in Schwartz's home and eaten at her table, Schwartz said.

"She eats all the same food I eat. She'll eat anything, bananas, apples, potatoes, cookies, candy, pop. You name it, she'll eat it," said Schwartz.

"She'll give you kisses and she loves to dance to Elvis Presley. It's her favourite music," said Schwartz.

"And she'll get up on her hind legs to hug me," she added.

Now, I can believe that Bimbo likes to sleep in a bed and eat candy and dance to Elvis. Deer or no deer, beds are comfortable, candy is delicious, and Elvis is the fucking King for goodness sake. But I never in a million years will believe Bimbo the deer stands up and hugs and kisses Janet Schwartz. I know its not the best picture, but Janet Schwartz looks like an ugly, ugly woman, and yes I meant to write 2 ugly's because she is that gross looking. No deer with such great taste in music and snacks would have such poor taste in women, and that's just a fact.

i can't wait for bimbo to pull a travis the chimp and rip janet's face off when she says no more candy before bedtime. only a matter of time


An elephant never forgets

Maybe you're like me, maybe you aren't. But if you are, you too have wondered to yourself: What would a baby elephant look like if it fell down a manhole? Well, wonder no more, because here is your answer.

only a retard elephant falls down a manhole


Thursday, August 6, 2009

Whup that trick


The Guangxi Qihuang Survival Training Camp was built to "cure youngsters of their obsession with online gaming." In other words, this is a place for the biggest dorks and most pathetic virgins in all of China. But when 16-year old Deng Senshan came to the clinic, he barely had time to say SimCity 2000 before someone opened up a can of whup-ass on him that no cheat code could save him from.

His parents took their son to the Guangxi Qihuang Survival Training Camp in southern China on Saturday, paying 7,000 yuan (£605) for a month of treatment. Deng Fei, his father, told supervisors that his son was shy and introverted and they should avoid putting too much pressure on him during the first couple of days. They agreed.

Instead, the boy was placed in solitary confinement shortly after his arrival and then beaten by his trainers who scolded him for running too slowly when he was ordered to go jogging. He was pronounced dead in the early hours of Sunday morning.

This is a fucking sham and a mockery and a travishamockery. If a Chinese video game nerd can't feel safe at his internet addiction rehab clinic, where is he to turn? Who's left to trust? And who ever heard of a shy and introverted Chinese kid who plays video games? What a rare breed. What are you gonna tell me next, that he's good at math and has a grandmother who isn't a very good driver?

the article goes on to say that over 10 million Chinese teens are addicted to the internet, but with enough porn to feed a small country, videos like this, and of course this awesome muthafreakin blog, who can blame them? there just aren't enough hours in the day


Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Condoms are for pussies


Professor Stuart Brody from the University of the West in Scotland, has just concluded in a study "that unprotected penile-vaginal intercourse (PVI) can significantly boost men and women's mental well-being."

First of all, that I have never heard the term PVI before is a goddamn crime. Sometimes you just need an alternative to fuck, screw, bang, pound, beat, drill, or boink when you're talking about beating some box, and PVI could be a perfect fallback option.

Secondly, Professor Brody isn't exactly preaching anything we didn't know already. OF COURSE its better to get your PVI on without a slippery piece of latex stretched over you dick that makes it impossible to bust a nut and leaves your junk smelling awful. You don't wear a raincoat in the shower, and you don't wear sneakers to the beach either.

But you gotta respect a guy who does actual scientific studies to back up something the entire species of man has known for billions of years. As far as I'm concerned, Professor Brody deserves a Nobel, Pulitzer, Heisman Trophy, Purple Heart, key to the city, Oscar, and MTV Video Music Award for his incredible work.

But naturally, Professor Brody's claims have received some criticism, mostly from people who don't know how to successfully maneuver the ole' pull-out-and-aim-for-her-face move. To the haters, Profesor Brody has this to say:

Evolution is not politically correct, so of the very broad range of potential sexual behaviour, there is actually only one that is consistently associated with better physical and mental health and that is the one sexual behaviour that would be favoured by evolution. That is not accidental.
Ummmmm I have NO clue what the fuck any of that even means, but preach on Professor Brody. And remember, no means yes and yes means anal.

"the controversial conclusions are based on a study of 111 men and 99 women in Portugal who completed questionnaires about frequency of sexual activity, their rate of orgasms and their condom use."
good enough for me


More uncomfortable to watch than meatspin, but much, much, much, much less gay

To the untrained eye, this video is just 1 wrestler swinging another wrestler around 100 times in a row. But big whup I see that shit like 4 times a week. Dig deeper, and you begin to peel back layer after layer of incredible video footage.

The best part might be when the announcer squeals, "STILL GOING!!" when there are still 83 spins to go. 83!!!

is this seriously a wrestling move?


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