Right in the babymaker

MINNESOTA MAN GETS LIFE IN PUNCHING DEATH OF FETUS

"I'm gonna punch you in the ovary, that's what I'm gonna do. A straight shot. Right to the babymaker."

Dameon Gatson paid his friend $40 to punch his girlfriend in her stomach when she was 6-months pregnant. Surprise surprise the baby was born premature and died a few days later. Now Gatson is going to jail for life with no parole. Damn homie.

Now I could sit here and make some horribly offensive homemade smashmortion jokes. Like instead of a punch he could've just pushed her down the fire escape. Or scooped her stomach like a jack-o-lantern. But I'm going to take the high road here. Because as the days fade to months and the months give way to the changing of each season, I find myself more mature and sensitive to the feelings of others. And because I also want to know what the hell happened to the kid who actually punched this chick?

If you ask me, the kid who punches a fetus in the fucking face for $40 is way crazier and more dangerous than the asshole who actually pays the $40. Am I wrong here? Now I'm in no way, shape, or form a wealthy individual, but I would need a helluva lot more money than 40 bucks to punch a pregnant girl in the stomach. Don't even approach me unless you're prepared to start the bidding at $100.

VERDICT:
i wouldn't really punch a pregnant chick for $100. i'd need at least a buck-fiddy

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That wasn't brushetta...

'PUT YOUR DEAD BABY IN THE FRIDGE': WHAT NURSE TOLD MOTHER WHO SUFFERED MISCARRIAGE

Well this headline doesn't leave much to the imagination. But some girl, who I guess is kind of hot, had a miscarriage in the middle of the night. So she calls her local hospital, and a nurse tells her to put her miscarriage in the fridge to keep it cold until the girl's appointment 2 days later. For the record, Wikipedia defines "miscarriage" as a spontaneous shmashmortion. Ugh.

So what does this chick do? Well, lets ask her.

I put it in a Tupperware box and sealed it up and wrapped it in a plastic bag because I could see the arms and legs and some of the head and put it in the fridge towards the back. It was horrible. Every time I went to the fridge I had to look at it.

EWWWWWWWWW!!!!

Who is more retarded here? The nurse who told her to save the aborted shmashmortion in the fridge? Or the dumbfuck who actually did it??? Trick question. They are both fucking retards.

VERDICT:
classic example of retarded math. 1 retard + 1 retard = a miscarriage in the back of the fridge

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botched (verb)- to ruin through clumsiness

DOCTOR INVESTIGATED IN BADLY BOTCHED ABORTION

(Relax, this is tomato sauce.)

Oh my god that headline is disgusting. This shamashmortion wasn't just botched, it was BADLY botched. Ugh. The rest of the story is even worse, so read it at your own risk.

VERDICT:
i just threw up in my mouth.

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