Who's ready for thanksgiving?

Thanksgiving is a great holiday. Get stoned in front of your family. Watch football. Stuff your fucking face. Drink a shitload of wine. Go to sleep. See ya next year.

But you can bet your bottom dollar I'm going to think of these crazy fucking turkeys this Thanksgiving. Are they trying to get revenge on Native Americans for introducing Thanksgiving to us? Because someone who speaks Turkey should tell them they've got the wrong kind of Indians.

VERDICT:
seriously, what the fuck is going on here? these things are absolutely terrifying

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Blame Canada

FORMER TERRORIST WANTS TO BE A LAWYER
Its in Canada so who the fuck cares, but is this guy fucking serious? I'd hire this guy as my lawyer the same day I put my laptop away and go back to rubbing one out to the scrambled porn channels.

A convicted terrorist is asking to practise law in Greater Toronto. Parminder Singh Saini, 46, blames youth and naïveté for his violent past and says he is rehabilitated.

“I had no legitimate right to do that,” he recently told the Law Society of Upper Canada of a 1984 airline hijacking. “It’s not legal."

Wait a fucking minute Parminder. Did you say the only reason you regret hijacking a plane was because its not legal? What about the fact that hijacking planes is fucking crazy!! What about all the other shit you did?

On July 5, 1984, when he was 21, he and four accomplices in the militant All India Sikh Students Federation boarded an Air India flight to Delhi from the northern city of Srinagar.

Twenty minutes after takeoff, he and another man stood up. They pushed aside a female attendant, walked to the front of the plane and Saini - in full view of passengers - raised a handgun to the head of a male attendant and fired.

“(The bullet) did not hit him,” the trial judge later wrote in a 184-page judgment, “but there is little doubt that the object of Parminder Singh (Saini).....was to intimidate and terrorize the crew members and the passengers.”

At the cockpit door, Saini fired two or three more shots - risking the plane’s destruction, the court judgment said. One bullet pierced the door, striking the flight engineer in the back, not seriously. Other hijackers beat and stabbed two other crew members with kirpan daggers.

The door opened and Saini seized control of the plane.

At gunpoint, he ordered the pilot to land in Lahore, Pakistan, and for the next 20 hours kept everybody hostage as he tried to negotiate a list of demands involving money and a large number of prisoners.

“They said that they were going to blow up the aircraft and we should say our last prayer,” a female attendant testified.

When I was 21, all I was doing was smoking weed on the reg, getting drunk as fuck, and trying to fingerbang everything in sight. Not my proudest year, and now that I think about it thats pretty much what I still do, but it definitely beats hijacking a goddamn airplane, firing a gun at a flight attendant's head, and making an entire plane-full of people piss themselves after you threaten to blow them all up.

Bottom line Parminder, second chances are all well and good, but when you're in charge of something that sounds like a scene from Die Hard, its going to be a tough climb back to the top.

VERDICT:
do you even know what the fuck a kirpan dagger is? it looks like something indiana jones would use. not cool parminder, not cool at all

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All's fair in love, war, and cow blowjobs

NJ COP ROBERT MELIA TAPED HAVING SEX WITH COWS
History is littered with landmark court rulings that have helped to shape our world. Roe vs Wade. Plessy vs Ferguson. Brown vs the Board of Ed. Well now we can add Melia vs NJ to that historic list.

Moorestown policeman Robert Melia, shown above with his sexpot girlfriend Heather Lewis, is what some people might call fucked in the head. Last year, he and Lewis were arrested for sexually assaulting 3 young girls over the past 5 years. Yada, yada, yada, blah blah blah.

Lets be honest, in today's day and age, a little pedophiling here and there isn't exactly front-page news. What makes Melia completely fucking retarded is during a police investigation of his home, cops found a video of Melia facefucking some cows.

Retarded enough, right? Probably at least a 6.5 out of 10 on the Official Retarded Richter Scale. But after his day in court, Robert Melia's situation has officially entered the sweepstakes for retarded story of the year.

Since beastiality is not technically a crime in New Jersey (editor's note: who knew?), investigators charged Melia with animal cruelty. And this, believe it or not, is where our story gets even weirder. Under state law, a prosecutor must prove the animal was tormented to in cruelty cases. Which led to a rather unusual argument in the court room...

Burlington County assistant prosecutor Kevin Morgan was left to assert that forcing a cow to give you a blowjob -- especially a young, innocent calve, which is what Melia fancied -- fit the definition of cruelty. "I think any reasonable juror could infer that a man's penis in the mouth of a calf is torment," he told the judge. "It's a crime against nature."

But that's when Judge James J. Morley went a little weird on his own. He waxed philosophically about the mental powers of cows, noting that they couldn't actually talk -- a breakthrough observation -- and thus had no way of expressing whether they liked giving degenerate cops blowjobs or not. And given that the jury had no way of reading the five cows' minds -- yes, Melia is a serial cow rapist -- there's no way the prosecution could prove the cows were tormented.

The honorable James J. Morley, everyone! Give it up! Great point, your honor. And thanks to that great point, Officer Melia walked out of court a free man. Apparently you can't put words into a cow's mouth, but you can darn sure slip a dick in there.

As a born-and-raised New Jerseyian who's managed to avoid becoming a guido or a wigger or a cow-fucker, I am so proud of our judicial system stepping up for whats right. Who's to say whether cows like sucking dick or not? Not you. Not me. And apparently nobody else.

Like I always say, no means yes, yes means anal, and moooo means I can't wait for a facial. Frankly, after all these years of humans milking cows, its nice to see our slutty bovine friends finally returning the favor.

VERDICT:
to be fair, you'd probably be fucking cows too if you were dating heather lewis

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Fuck pandas

SHOULD WE LET THE PANDAS DIE?

Its about time someone as wildly popular and successful as Chris Packham stopped sucking the public's dick and says whats on all of our minds.

Naturalist Chris Packham, a BBC nature host, says pandas are an evolutionary dead end. He says they are not very bright, they have many challenges reproducing in captivity, and because they live in the most populous country on the planet, China, their environment is shrinking.

"Can we really afford these big charismatic animals that suck up so much of our funding?" Packham asked on Britain's GMTV.

...The BBC host said while it is easy to raise money for something "fluffy," our money is better spent saving habitats, such as rain forests.

Rarest bears in the world? Cute and fluffy? FUCK that! Last time I checked all bears do is eat people and steal our honey and salmon and picnic baskets. And according to Chris Packham, pandas are dumb as shit, can't fuck in captivity, and have no place to live since Chinese people can't keep it in their pants and keep popping out so many babies. If you can't even fuck in captivity, with nothing else to do all day, what the hell is the point of living?

I say preach on Chris Packham, and down with those faggy fluffy pandas!!

VERDICT:
fuck you panda bears

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Craigslist ad of the day

And this is Exhibit A why women could take over the fucking universe if their tiny brains were capable of hatching such a complex scheme. Because pussy is the most powerful substance ever known to mankind. Its like kryptonite combined with heroin mixed with whatever it is they use to fly rocket ships into space. This slut even says she's not that hot, but I bet not only did she get her table assembled about 10 seconds after posting this, she probably got a new TV, some jewelery, plus the entire VRETA living room series for her troubles.

VERDICT:
retarded fact: dildo + iced tea + stylish furniture at affordable prices = a good time. always

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Helen Hodges is a big fat black lady

'BIG FAT BLACK LADY' ANGERED BY GAS STATION RECEIPT

Hodges, 31, said the offensive incident happened Thursday night after she was shorted $10 in a gas pump mix-up at a station on Marconi Avenue near the Capital City Freeway. When she returned to the station for a refund, a $10 bill was attached to a receipt with a handwritten notation "black lady big fat."

..."It says 'black lady,' and I can understand that because I am a black lady," Hodges told News10. "But I don't get 'big fat.' I don't get that part."

Are you fucking serious Helen Hodges? What part of you being identified as "big" and "fat" didn't you get? If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, and looks like a duck, its probably a fucking duck. And if you're black and you're a lady and you wear blue XXXL t-shirts, you're probably a big fat black lady.

VERDICT:
if someone described me as "white dude, kind of jewy and out of shape" i wouldn't be happy about it, but i mean, come on. sometimes ya gotta wake up smell the roses big fat black retarded lady

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Warning: dead baby jokes

"DEAD" BABY WAKES UP FOR HIS FUNERAL WAKE
This is pretty fucked up. A baby was born 16 weeks prematurely and was declared dead by doctors. In retrospect, these doctors must be pretty fucking awful, because the baby was still alive. As 1 family member said:

I opened the box and took the baby out and he cried. I got scared and I said 'the baby's crying' ... and then he started moving his arms, his legs and I got scared, we got very scared.

I don't really have anything to say about this, but it seems like a great time to share some dead baby jokes. Because if you're reading this website, chances are you probably like dead baby jokes too.

Whats the difference between a dead baby and a trampoline?
When you jump on a trampoline, you take your shoes off.

How do you stop a baby from crawling round in circles?
Nail its other hand to the floor.

How do you stop a baby from falling down a manhole?
Stick a javelin through it's head.

Why did the baby fall out of a tree?
Because it was dead!

What's the difference between a truck full of bowling balls and a truck full of dead babies?
You can't unload a truck full of bowling balls with a pitchfork.

What do you get a dead baby for his birthday?
A dead puppy.

What's the difference between a baby and a grandmother?
Grandmothers don't die when you fuck them up the ass.
(my personal favorite)

What's the difference between a Cadillac and a pile of dead babies?
I don't have a Cadillac in my garage.

What's worse than finding 7 dead babies in 1 trash can?
Finding 1 dead baby in 7 trash cans.

What's the difference between a dead baby and a Styrofoam cup?
A dead baby doesn't hurt the o-zone when you burn it.

What's pink and red and silver and crawls into walls?
A baby with forks in its eyes.

What's red, bubbly, and scratches at the window before exploding?
A baby in a microwave.

What do you get when you cut a baby with a straight razor?
An erection.

What's the difference between a dead baby and an onion.
You don't cry when you chop up a dead baby.

What do you get when you put a dead baby in a blender?
Hold on. I'll tell you in a second.

VERDICT:
i just copy and paste them. you're the one reading you fucking retarded sickos

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Mystery of the urinal deuce

VIRGINIA POLICE SEEK URINAL VANDAL
Who is this guy?
A) an extra from The Wire
B) Plaxico's new roommate
C) the guy - sorry, the suspect - who vandalized urinals in 7 different restaurants, then pretended to be a plumber so the restaurants would pay him to fix the urinals

If you answered C, then you obviously cheated and read about this story already. Shame on you. But double shame on Carlos O'Kelly's, the 1 restaurant that actually paid this dude between $250-$300 to fix the urinal HE broke in the first place.

Listen, I've taken plenty of pisses in urinals in my day. And if I had a dollar for every time I've been shitfaced in a crowded bar and puked in a urinal, I'd have at least 10 or 12 bucks by now. So, my question is, how the fuck can you vandalize something that people use to puke and piss in on a regular basis? Sounds a little like the legendary Mystery of the Urinal Deuce if you ask me.

Either way, you've got to really fuck up a urinal to be wanted by police. Maybe more urinals should look like these.

VERDICT:
more like carlos o'retards. or retard o'kelly's. whatever

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Who would win in a fight between 2 killer rabbits and a bunch of snakes?

KILLER RABBITS ATTACK SNAKES
After dead, mutilated snakes kept showing up in his yard, Armando Del Manso thought his dog was the one responsible. But then he saw something that he described as "gobsmacked." I have no idea what the fuck gobsmacked means, but you'd probably be gobsmacked too if you saw this:

The snake was raised up in the air in the striking position and the two rabbits worked their way around him and killed him in two minutes. We were watching from the veranda with a spotlight, and I thought, who is going to believe this, they’ll think I’m crazy.....These are killer rabbits, man.

I've seen a lot of retarded shit in my day, but killer bunnies tag-teaming snakes? Fucking eh. Maybe if the Trix Rabbit had taken a few notes from his crazy, snake-eating brothers, he wouldn't have been bullied by a bunch of shit-eating kids and gotten some goddamn cereal. Silly rabbit.

To make this story better, a few days after discovering the killer rabbits, Del Manso "was bitten by a python on the foot while going for a midnight snack in his kitchen at around 2am." OK then.

VERDICT:
if i don't know whether i should be more worried about snakes in my kitchen or killer rabbits in the back yard, i'm probably getting the fuck out of dodge ASAP. retarded

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