What do you think? Just a bump on the head? Legit concussion? I say concussion at least. Her brain could've exploded for all I know.
And how about little Florence Nightingale over here? Your BFF's skull just imploded and you tell her to lay on top of a towel? Fucking brilliant.
VERDICT:
i never went from boner to laughter so fast in my entire life. wait what?
A cannibal who killed and ate parts of his mother had his sentence reduced by a judge who said 'he needed to eat'.
Sergey Gavrilov secured reduced time in jail after confessing: 'I did not like the meat very much. It was too fatty. But I was so hungry, I had to eat it.'
The 27-year-old was given a lenient prison sentence because the judge said he was starving and needed to eat after spending all his money on vodka and gambling machines.
The Russian man hit his mother Lyubov, 55, over the head with a brick and then strangled her with an electric cable following a row over her refusal to give him her pension money to spend on alcohol.A court heard how he put her body on the balcony of the family flat near Samara, in southern Russia, and took her allowance before going on a two day drinking and gambling binge. Returning to the flat, he soon ran out of food and started slicing meat from his mother's body. 'She was frozen, like meat in the freezer,' he told police.
He cooked soup and pasta with meat from his mother's body over a period of more than a month, he said.
The Russian criminal code dictates 15 years in jail for his crimes but the judge said he was reducing it slightly because Gavrilov - who previously served time in jail for robbery - pleaded guilty and 'he was not keen to eat the meat, he just was hungry'.
Gavrilov was jailed for 14 years and three months. Psychiatric tests found the man was 'normal' mentally and fully aware of what he was doing.
He was caught when a policeman came to his flat, suspecting him of stealing a mobile phone. The officer found the dead woman - with both her legs missing - on the balcony.
DEAD RABBIT THROWING CONTEST BANNED
A contest that involves children seeing how far they can throw dead rabbits has been banned in New Zealand following outcry from animal welfare campaigners.The annual 'rabbit throw' in the South Island town of Waiau has been a tradition for years but officials have had to cancel the event following complaints from the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals (SPCA).
An animal cruelty inspector with the charity, Charles Cadwallader, said: "Do you throw your dead grandmother around for a joke at her funeral?"
Second of all, ummmm no Charles Cadwallader I don't throw my dead grandmother around for a joke at her funeral. And might I add thats a truly terrible analogy. Maybe if these rabbits made some banging matzoh ball soup or sent me a check for a couple hundo every year for my birthday, they wouldn't be getting tossed around either. You scratch my back, I'll scratch yours, ya know?
VERDICT:
seriously, what a fucking retarded analogy. only in new zealand....
MUGGERS ATTACK TWO-YEAR OLD GIRL
(Who punches a baby? Apparently these bitches do.)A two-year-old girl was punched in the head by two teenage girls during an attempted robbery in north-west London.
The girl was with her mother when the pair were targeted by two female suspects in Preston Road, Wembley, at about 1645 GMT on Tuesday.
They demanded money from the mother, aged 23, before punching her in the arm and attacking her daughter.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of British people in this world. The first is the faggy Eurotrash type that I'm pretty sure invented techno and being hipsters. The second is the type from Green Street Hooligans, the crazy motherfuckers who say cunt like its nothing and will brawl and kill in the streets just because their soccer team lost. Frankly, this second type scares the shit out of me. So even though Brits can be fruity little Eurotrash, I'm going to assume this 2-year old who got attacked is of the Green Street hooligan crowd and knows how to take a punch to the dome. As for the mother, well, I'll be the first to admit that I'm no tough guy, but its going to take a lot more than a dead arm and messing with my hooligan baby to mug me. So teenage girls be warned.
VERDICT:
seriously, who punches a fucking baby??
RUDOLPH THE RED NOSED REINDEER IS A FEMALE
Edinburgh University professors Gerald Lincoln and David Baird say Rudolph cannot be a male because female reindeer still have antlers at Christmas. Males shed theirs before mid-December.Looking handsome? Give me a fucking break professor. Shit like this is why Obama won a Nobel Peace Prize before doing jackshit. Because instead of curing cancer or saving the environment or inventing X-Ray vision or something, scientists like Gerald Lincoln and David Baird are researching the gender of imaginary fucking animals that fly around the whole world in under 24 hours. The. World. Is. Retarded.
Prof Lincoln said: "Rudolph classically is this red-nosed reindeer who is around at Christmas. We picture him in the snow with his antlers, but if you know anything about nature you discover that things are not quite so straightforward.
Male reindeer actually cast their antlers before Christmas, so they don't have any antlers at Christmastime.
...So you can't picture Rudolph as a big red-nosed macho male because he has cast his antlers already and can't arrive on your doorstep with his antlers on, looking handsome."
MAN SAYS UNITED DENIED HIM FIRST CLASS SEAT DUE TO TRACK SUIT
A corporate executive with electronic retail giant Best Buy says a United Airlines gate agent denied him a seat in the first class cabin because he was wearing a track suit.Oh sorry, I didn't know when I went to the airport I had to get through security PLUS the fucking fashion police. Flying sucks dick as it is, and comfortable clothes are the key to not having to adjust your balls every 10 minutes for the next 4 hours. Your nuts and the fat bastard next to you will be thankful for it. Plus this guy is wearing Puma, which I'm pretty sure is the fucking Armani of track suits.
...Alvarez said the gate agent called his name and when he walked up to the counter for his upgrade, the agent said he was dressed too casually for first class.
"I was humiliated and embarrassed," Alvarez said.
If this isn't one of the saddest fucking things you've ever seen......well, then I respect you because you must have seen some fucked up shit in your day.
VERDICT:
a goddamn shame
KORDEZA ZHELYAZKOVA, 11, GIVES BIRTH ON WEDDING DAY
Whoa whoa whoa hold the phones for a second. I don't know how many of you people have ever spent time on a playground at a gypsy school, but let me be the first to tell you, that shit is hardcore. The bullies are ruthless. Shit's legit. Its dog eat dog out there. Makes Bloods vs. Crypts look like Bert and Ernie. So if you rescue a girl from bullies on the playground of her gypsy school, you're a real life American hero. Or Bulgarian hero, whatever. Either way, you'd be raw dogging it within a week too, just like Jeliazko. This damsel in distress getting knocked up is actually the least surprising thing I've heard all day.Kordeza Zhelyazkova was still wearing her wedding dress and tiara when she arrived at hospital and gave birth to little Violeta.
The schoolgirl, of Sliven, Bulgaria, fell pregnant within just two weeks of her 11th birthday.
She gave birth last week with 19-year-old husband Jeliazko Dimitrov at her side.
"I'm not going to play with toys any more - I have a new toy now," Kordeza told Britain's News of the World newspaper. "She is so beautiful, I love her. Violeta is the child and I must grow up. I am not going back to school - I am a mother now."
Kordeza met Jeliazko in the playground of her gypsy school when he rescued her from bullies.
JUDGE: MAN WHO BIT NEIGHBOR DURING CLINTON TOWNSHIP SCUFFLE USED HIV AS A WEAPON
Clinton Township's Daniel Allen could face up to 15 years in prison after a judge today ordered him to stand trial on allegations he bit his neighbor on the face and used the HIV virus as a weapon. Allen, 44,told reporters last week that he is HIV positive and admitted to biting his neighbor, Winfred Fernandis Jr., after neighborhood kids tossed a football into his yard.Are you fucking joking me Daniel Allen? HIV as a weapon is worse than the goddamn golden gun!! And that thing was the TITS. Just 1 shot to any part of the body and bam you're done. Grazed toe? Dead. Whizzed past your ear? Dead. Definitely not as badass as the RC-P90, but a billion times more effective.
Call me crazy, but I just don't get it. Is this still the effects of dropping nuclear bombs on Japan? I mean, I understand the concept of lost in translation or whatever, but this level of confusion transcends culture and language. This only makes sense if your grandparents had their brains melted by the Enola Gay, right? Or is this the same feeling Japanese people get when they see clips of Dog the Bounty Hunter or Hell's Kitchen or something? This is going to bother me all fucking weekend.
VERDICT:
i have nothing more to add without being extremely racist
BROTHERS SENTENCED FOR ATTACKING AND URINATING ON THEIR GRANDMOTHER
Video Courtesy of KSL.com
Jiminy freaking Christmas!! Imagine getting on the bus for work in the morning, minding your own business reading The World is Retarded on your iPhone, when all of a sudden this shit goes down? Freaking terrifying, not to mention a HUGE upset in the women's division of Race Wars: Black vs. Chinese. Black lady was probably a 4:1 favorite at least, but Chinese lady came roaring at her like Buster Douglas against Mike Tyson. Bitch was NOT fucking around. If she had turned into one of those Chinese New Year's dragons and just ate the black lady in 1 bite, I wouldn't have been the least bit surprised.
Imagine if Rosa Parks pulled this shit? Obama would've been president 30 fucking years ago!!
VERDICT:
i'm not going to call this retarded, because i am genuinely terrified of that Chinese lady hunting me down
P.S. I love how the lady who breaks up the fight pulls the immature card at 1:42. Like these 2 dainty ladies are going to suddenly shake it off and realize how immature they're acting.
P.P.S. Is there anything more chaotic than a bunch of Chinese people screaming at each other?
THE WOMAN WHO CAN'T STOP ORGASMING
GUARANTEE: This is a good one.
So this chick thinks she has Persistent Sexual Arousal Disorder? I don't know what quacks she went to that told her that, but this is the easiest fucking diagnosis in the history of medicine. This is like the first lesson on Day 1 of med. school. Hmmm your pussy drips like a New Orleans basement and you cum 200 times a day? Wammo! You're a horny slut. Luckily for you it is treatable with a daily dose of dick, dick, and some more dick. Instead of making up some bullshit about an Arousal Disorder, the doctors should've told her to embrace her magical pussy and start her own website or something. Problem solved.I had my first orgasm at the age of 17. I was sitting at my desk at school when all of a sudden, I felt a warm, pulsing feeling in my genital area. My vagina flared up and I couldn't think straight. It was like someone had squeegeed my thoughts away. I was like, whoa, what's that? It felt really erotic and good, but I was also freaked out, scared, and confused. After that, it started happening a few times a day. I searched online for spontaneous orgasms, but all I found was weird porn.
It kept getting worse. During my second semester of senior year, I counted orgasms on a sheet of paper. I was having 100 and 200 a day. I ran to hide in the bathroom between classes to relieve the pressure.
By the time I started college, the orgasms became even more intense and disruptive, and I was having trouble concentrating. I became really depressed. I didn't know what was wrong with me, and I wasn't getting any better. I cried a lot. I hid in the bathroom. I became violently protective of my privacy. In the beginning, I told everyone I trusted about my condition. People said things like: "You're so lucky!" and "Dude, I'd love to date you." They didn't understand why I wanted it to go away, and labeled me a drama queen. The school psychiatrist thought I was crazy. After my sophomore year, I bought a bunch of vibrators and took medical leave.
One day in 2003, a friend sent me an article in the Boston Globe about a newly discovered condition called Persistent Sexual Arousal Syndrome*. When I read it, I started crying hysterically — it described exactly what I was going through. I immediately made an appointment at the institute the article linked to, and after hours of tests, I was diagnosed with PSAS. My engorged genitalia and hypersensitivity made me a textbook case. Every other doctor had thought I was just a delusional hypochondriac.
PSAS feels like having a second heartbeat. No, it's more than that. It's alive — it has its own life force, a mind of its own. I often wonder if this is how teenage boys feel about their erections.Funny you should ask, because that's exactly how teenage boys feel about their erections. Teenage boys and every other member of the male species between the ages of 11 and dead. And we all know that a random boner is like a scab. If you pick at it, it will only get worse. If you leave it alone, it will eventually go away.
B.A. MAN CHARGED IN REPORTED HARMONICA ATTACK
First of all, since when does a fucking harmonica qualify as a dangerous weapon? Have you ever seen ANYBODY playing a harmonica and thought, "Oh shit, this guy and his harmonica look like trouble." No fucking way. The harmonica is probably the 3rd pussiest instrument to play after the accordion and the harp, and both could do more damage than a little harmonica. Unless your name is John Popper. Because that guy could make a harmonica fucking ROCK.
According to Decai Liu’s arrest report, his roommate was in the bathroom getting ready for work when Liu burst in and started beating him with the instrument.
Liu, 52, was charged Thursday with assault with a dangerous weapon in the attack last Saturday in the 4500 block of West Norman Street in Broken Arrow, court records show.
.... Liu’s roommate told police that “I don’t know what his problem was,” the report indicates.
MIAMI METROZOO PERFORMS EYE SURGERY ON GORILLA
Am I crazy or does that picture look fucking absurd? Since when do we perform eye surgeries on animals?
MIAMI -- A 42-year-old gorilla with severe cataracts received eye surgery at the Miami MetroZoo Friday. Doctors in Miami removed the cataracts from Josephine the gorilla's eyes and implanted new lenses.Oh, OK. So cataract surgery is rarely done on gorillas because they don't live past 50. Makes sense. But what about the fact that THEY ARE FUCKING GORILLAS????
The surgery is common among humans, but it is rarely done on gorillas because the animals rarely live past 50.
STATE OFFICIALS FIND SEXUAL ABUSE AT ST. LOUIS PARK NURSING HOME
State investigators are reporting that a nursing assistant at a St. Louis Park nursing home sexually abused a resident who has dementia.The report released today says Texas Terrace Care Center has suspended the employee and police have referred the case for possible criminal sexual conduct charges.
Four earlier cases of nursing home abuse have been uncovered in Minnesota since August 2008.
In the latest finding, the state Health Department says the resident reported that the nursing assistant kissed her on the mouth and touched her sexually in July. Two other residents said the employee had kissed them, with one saying he touched her stomach.
Part of me wants to play a little devil's advocate here. I mean, a good day in this old lady's life is probably only shitting herself once a day. Plus with the dementia she can't remember her asshole from her elbow. So this sexual abuse is probably the most action she's gotten in years. Probably since people still thought you could get AIDS from using a public bathroom.
On the other hand, she's old as fuck. And I think the argument can be made that sexually abusing old people in a nursing home is even worse than molesting little kids. I'm not saying it is or it isn't, just that with a little research and an open mind, the case could be made. Based on my extensive experience of getting stoned and watching the National Geographic Channel, I know that regular rapists and pedophiles are considered the ultimate scumbags in jail. But where do old people-rapers stand? They've gotta be a close second, right?
TAINTED BURGER LEADS TO STEPDAD'S ARREST
Police say the bizarre incident began to unfold late Friday night after the family stopped for some fast food on the way home. Once inside, the 12-year-old and LaDuke, who police say was intoxicated, began arguing before he allegedly picked his nose, put the mucus in the hamburger and tried to get her to consume it. She refused, and LaDuke allegedly grew more angry when her 9-year-old sister passed gas, sparking laughter from the family, according to Sgt. Eric Clifford, a city police spokesman.First of all, what the hell does "grabbed a 2-year old child and left the home" mean? Who the fuck was this 2-year old? Were there babies just laying around, ripe for the picking? Seems a little weird.LaDuke then uttered something along the lines that "you think that's funny," after which the older girl sprinted off the second-floor porch. She broke her arm, sprained an ankle and suffered cuts and bruises to her face, Clifford said. Despite the woman's pleas to call for help, LaDuke grabbed a 2-year-old child and left the home.
Thanksgiving is a great holiday. Get stoned in front of your family. Watch football. Stuff your fucking face. Drink a shitload of wine. Go to sleep. See ya next year.
But you can bet your bottom dollar I'm going to think of these crazy fucking turkeys this Thanksgiving. Are they trying to get revenge on Native Americans for introducing Thanksgiving to us? Because someone who speaks Turkey should tell them they've got the wrong kind of Indians.
VERDICT:
seriously, what the fuck is going on here? these things are absolutely terrifying
FORMER TERRORIST WANTS TO BE A LAWYER
A convicted terrorist is asking to practise law in Greater Toronto. Parminder Singh Saini, 46, blames youth and naïveté for his violent past and says he is rehabilitated.Wait a fucking minute Parminder. Did you say the only reason you regret hijacking a plane was because its not legal? What about the fact that hijacking planes is fucking crazy!! What about all the other shit you did?“I had no legitimate right to do that,” he recently told the Law Society of Upper Canada of a 1984 airline hijacking. “It’s not legal."
On July 5, 1984, when he was 21, he and four accomplices in the militant All India Sikh Students Federation boarded an Air India flight to Delhi from the northern city of Srinagar.
Twenty minutes after takeoff, he and another man stood up. They pushed aside a female attendant, walked to the front of the plane and Saini - in full view of passengers - raised a handgun to the head of a male attendant and fired.
“(The bullet) did not hit him,” the trial judge later wrote in a 184-page judgment, “but there is little doubt that the object of Parminder Singh (Saini).....was to intimidate and terrorize the crew members and the passengers.”
At the cockpit door, Saini fired two or three more shots - risking the plane’s destruction, the court judgment said. One bullet pierced the door, striking the flight engineer in the back, not seriously. Other hijackers beat and stabbed two other crew members with kirpan daggers.
The door opened and Saini seized control of the plane.
At gunpoint, he ordered the pilot to land in Lahore, Pakistan, and for the next 20 hours kept everybody hostage as he tried to negotiate a list of demands involving money and a large number of prisoners.
“They said that they were going to blow up the aircraft and we should say our last prayer,” a female attendant testified.
When I was 21, all I was doing was smoking weed on the reg, getting drunk as fuck, and trying to fingerbang everything in sight. Not my proudest year, and now that I think about it thats pretty much what I still do, but it definitely beats hijacking a goddamn airplane, firing a gun at a flight attendant's head, and making an entire plane-full of people piss themselves after you threaten to blow them all up.
Bottom line Parminder, second chances are all well and good, but when you're in charge of something that sounds like a scene from Die Hard, its going to be a tough climb back to the top.
VERDICT:
do you even know what the fuck a kirpan dagger is? it looks like something indiana jones would use. not cool parminder, not cool at all
NJ COP ROBERT MELIA TAPED HAVING SEX WITH COWS
History is littered with landmark court rulings that have helped to shape our world. Roe vs Wade. Plessy vs Ferguson. Brown vs the Board of Ed. Well now we can add Melia vs NJ to that historic list.
Moorestown policeman Robert Melia, shown above with his sexpot girlfriend Heather Lewis, is what some people might call fucked in the head. Last year, he and Lewis were arrested for sexually assaulting 3 young girls over the past 5 years. Yada, yada, yada, blah blah blah.
Lets be honest, in today's day and age, a little pedophiling here and there isn't exactly front-page news. What makes Melia completely fucking retarded is during a police investigation of his home, cops found a video of Melia facefucking some cows.
Retarded enough, right? Probably at least a 6.5 out of 10 on the Official Retarded Richter Scale. But after his day in court, Robert Melia's situation has officially entered the sweepstakes for retarded story of the year.
Since beastiality is not technically a crime in New Jersey (editor's note: who knew?), investigators charged Melia with animal cruelty. And this, believe it or not, is where our story gets even weirder. Under state law, a prosecutor must prove the animal was tormented to in cruelty cases. Which led to a rather unusual argument in the court room...The honorable James J. Morley, everyone! Give it up! Great point, your honor. And thanks to that great point, Officer Melia walked out of court a free man. Apparently you can't put words into a cow's mouth, but you can darn sure slip a dick in there.
Burlington County assistant prosecutor Kevin Morgan was left to assert that forcing a cow to give you a blowjob -- especially a young, innocent calve, which is what Melia fancied -- fit the definition of cruelty. "I think any reasonable juror could infer that a man's penis in the mouth of a calf is torment," he told the judge. "It's a crime against nature."
But that's when Judge James J. Morley went a little weird on his own. He waxed philosophically about the mental powers of cows, noting that they couldn't actually talk -- a breakthrough observation -- and thus had no way of expressing whether they liked giving degenerate cops blowjobs or not. And given that the jury had no way of reading the five cows' minds -- yes, Melia is a serial cow rapist -- there's no way the prosecution could prove the cows were tormented.
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