All's fair in love, war, and cow blowjobs

NJ COP ROBERT MELIA TAPED HAVING SEX WITH COWS
History is littered with landmark court rulings that have helped to shape our world. Roe vs Wade. Plessy vs Ferguson. Brown vs the Board of Ed. Well now we can add Melia vs NJ to that historic list.

Moorestown policeman Robert Melia, shown above with his sexpot girlfriend Heather Lewis, is what some people might call fucked in the head. Last year, he and Lewis were arrested for sexually assaulting 3 young girls over the past 5 years. Yada, yada, yada, blah blah blah.

Lets be honest, in today's day and age, a little pedophiling here and there isn't exactly front-page news. What makes Melia completely fucking retarded is during a police investigation of his home, cops found a video of Melia facefucking some cows.

Retarded enough, right? Probably at least a 6.5 out of 10 on the Official Retarded Richter Scale. But after his day in court, Robert Melia's situation has officially entered the sweepstakes for retarded story of the year.

Since beastiality is not technically a crime in New Jersey (editor's note: who knew?), investigators charged Melia with animal cruelty. And this, believe it or not, is where our story gets even weirder. Under state law, a prosecutor must prove the animal was tormented to in cruelty cases. Which led to a rather unusual argument in the court room...

Burlington County assistant prosecutor Kevin Morgan was left to assert that forcing a cow to give you a blowjob -- especially a young, innocent calve, which is what Melia fancied -- fit the definition of cruelty. "I think any reasonable juror could infer that a man's penis in the mouth of a calf is torment," he told the judge. "It's a crime against nature."

But that's when Judge James J. Morley went a little weird on his own. He waxed philosophically about the mental powers of cows, noting that they couldn't actually talk -- a breakthrough observation -- and thus had no way of expressing whether they liked giving degenerate cops blowjobs or not. And given that the jury had no way of reading the five cows' minds -- yes, Melia is a serial cow rapist -- there's no way the prosecution could prove the cows were tormented.

The honorable James J. Morley, everyone! Give it up! Great point, your honor. And thanks to that great point, Officer Melia walked out of court a free man. Apparently you can't put words into a cow's mouth, but you can darn sure slip a dick in there.

As a born-and-raised New Jerseyian who's managed to avoid becoming a guido or a wigger or a cow-fucker, I am so proud of our judicial system stepping up for whats right. Who's to say whether cows like sucking dick or not? Not you. Not me. And apparently nobody else.

Like I always say, no means yes, yes means anal, and moooo means I can't wait for a facial. Frankly, after all these years of humans milking cows, its nice to see our slutty bovine friends finally returning the favor.

VERDICT:
to be fair, you'd probably be fucking cows too if you were dating heather lewis