Who's ready for thanksgiving?

Thanksgiving is a great holiday. Get stoned in front of your family. Watch football. Stuff your fucking face. Drink a shitload of wine. Go to sleep. See ya next year.

But you can bet your bottom dollar I'm going to think of these crazy fucking turkeys this Thanksgiving. Are they trying to get revenge on Native Americans for introducing Thanksgiving to us? Because someone who speaks Turkey should tell them they've got the wrong kind of Indians.

VERDICT:
seriously, what the fuck is going on here? these things are absolutely terrifying

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Blame Canada

FORMER TERRORIST WANTS TO BE A LAWYER
Its in Canada so who the fuck cares, but is this guy fucking serious? I'd hire this guy as my lawyer the same day I put my laptop away and go back to rubbing one out to the scrambled porn channels.

A convicted terrorist is asking to practise law in Greater Toronto. Parminder Singh Saini, 46, blames youth and naïveté for his violent past and says he is rehabilitated.

“I had no legitimate right to do that,” he recently told the Law Society of Upper Canada of a 1984 airline hijacking. “It’s not legal."

Wait a fucking minute Parminder. Did you say the only reason you regret hijacking a plane was because its not legal? What about the fact that hijacking planes is fucking crazy!! What about all the other shit you did?

On July 5, 1984, when he was 21, he and four accomplices in the militant All India Sikh Students Federation boarded an Air India flight to Delhi from the northern city of Srinagar.

Twenty minutes after takeoff, he and another man stood up. They pushed aside a female attendant, walked to the front of the plane and Saini - in full view of passengers - raised a handgun to the head of a male attendant and fired.

“(The bullet) did not hit him,” the trial judge later wrote in a 184-page judgment, “but there is little doubt that the object of Parminder Singh (Saini).....was to intimidate and terrorize the crew members and the passengers.”

At the cockpit door, Saini fired two or three more shots - risking the plane’s destruction, the court judgment said. One bullet pierced the door, striking the flight engineer in the back, not seriously. Other hijackers beat and stabbed two other crew members with kirpan daggers.

The door opened and Saini seized control of the plane.

At gunpoint, he ordered the pilot to land in Lahore, Pakistan, and for the next 20 hours kept everybody hostage as he tried to negotiate a list of demands involving money and a large number of prisoners.

“They said that they were going to blow up the aircraft and we should say our last prayer,” a female attendant testified.

When I was 21, all I was doing was smoking weed on the reg, getting drunk as fuck, and trying to fingerbang everything in sight. Not my proudest year, and now that I think about it thats pretty much what I still do, but it definitely beats hijacking a goddamn airplane, firing a gun at a flight attendant's head, and making an entire plane-full of people piss themselves after you threaten to blow them all up.

Bottom line Parminder, second chances are all well and good, but when you're in charge of something that sounds like a scene from Die Hard, its going to be a tough climb back to the top.

VERDICT:
do you even know what the fuck a kirpan dagger is? it looks like something indiana jones would use. not cool parminder, not cool at all

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All's fair in love, war, and cow blowjobs

NJ COP ROBERT MELIA TAPED HAVING SEX WITH COWS
History is littered with landmark court rulings that have helped to shape our world. Roe vs Wade. Plessy vs Ferguson. Brown vs the Board of Ed. Well now we can add Melia vs NJ to that historic list.

Moorestown policeman Robert Melia, shown above with his sexpot girlfriend Heather Lewis, is what some people might call fucked in the head. Last year, he and Lewis were arrested for sexually assaulting 3 young girls over the past 5 years. Yada, yada, yada, blah blah blah.

Lets be honest, in today's day and age, a little pedophiling here and there isn't exactly front-page news. What makes Melia completely fucking retarded is during a police investigation of his home, cops found a video of Melia facefucking some cows.

Retarded enough, right? Probably at least a 6.5 out of 10 on the Official Retarded Richter Scale. But after his day in court, Robert Melia's situation has officially entered the sweepstakes for retarded story of the year.

Since beastiality is not technically a crime in New Jersey (editor's note: who knew?), investigators charged Melia with animal cruelty. And this, believe it or not, is where our story gets even weirder. Under state law, a prosecutor must prove the animal was tormented to in cruelty cases. Which led to a rather unusual argument in the court room...

Burlington County assistant prosecutor Kevin Morgan was left to assert that forcing a cow to give you a blowjob -- especially a young, innocent calve, which is what Melia fancied -- fit the definition of cruelty. "I think any reasonable juror could infer that a man's penis in the mouth of a calf is torment," he told the judge. "It's a crime against nature."

But that's when Judge James J. Morley went a little weird on his own. He waxed philosophically about the mental powers of cows, noting that they couldn't actually talk -- a breakthrough observation -- and thus had no way of expressing whether they liked giving degenerate cops blowjobs or not. And given that the jury had no way of reading the five cows' minds -- yes, Melia is a serial cow rapist -- there's no way the prosecution could prove the cows were tormented.

The honorable James J. Morley, everyone! Give it up! Great point, your honor. And thanks to that great point, Officer Melia walked out of court a free man. Apparently you can't put words into a cow's mouth, but you can darn sure slip a dick in there.

As a born-and-raised New Jerseyian who's managed to avoid becoming a guido or a wigger or a cow-fucker, I am so proud of our judicial system stepping up for whats right. Who's to say whether cows like sucking dick or not? Not you. Not me. And apparently nobody else.

Like I always say, no means yes, yes means anal, and moooo means I can't wait for a facial. Frankly, after all these years of humans milking cows, its nice to see our slutty bovine friends finally returning the favor.

VERDICT:
to be fair, you'd probably be fucking cows too if you were dating heather lewis

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Fuck pandas

SHOULD WE LET THE PANDAS DIE?

Its about time someone as wildly popular and successful as Chris Packham stopped sucking the public's dick and says whats on all of our minds.

Naturalist Chris Packham, a BBC nature host, says pandas are an evolutionary dead end. He says they are not very bright, they have many challenges reproducing in captivity, and because they live in the most populous country on the planet, China, their environment is shrinking.

"Can we really afford these big charismatic animals that suck up so much of our funding?" Packham asked on Britain's GMTV.

...The BBC host said while it is easy to raise money for something "fluffy," our money is better spent saving habitats, such as rain forests.

Rarest bears in the world? Cute and fluffy? FUCK that! Last time I checked all bears do is eat people and steal our honey and salmon and picnic baskets. And according to Chris Packham, pandas are dumb as shit, can't fuck in captivity, and have no place to live since Chinese people can't keep it in their pants and keep popping out so many babies. If you can't even fuck in captivity, with nothing else to do all day, what the hell is the point of living?

I say preach on Chris Packham, and down with those faggy fluffy pandas!!

VERDICT:
fuck you panda bears

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Craigslist ad of the day

And this is Exhibit A why women could take over the fucking universe if their tiny brains were capable of hatching such a complex scheme. Because pussy is the most powerful substance ever known to mankind. Its like kryptonite combined with heroin mixed with whatever it is they use to fly rocket ships into space. This slut even says she's not that hot, but I bet not only did she get her table assembled about 10 seconds after posting this, she probably got a new TV, some jewelery, plus the entire VRETA living room series for her troubles.

VERDICT:
retarded fact: dildo + iced tea + stylish furniture at affordable prices = a good time. always

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Helen Hodges is a big fat black lady

'BIG FAT BLACK LADY' ANGERED BY GAS STATION RECEIPT

Hodges, 31, said the offensive incident happened Thursday night after she was shorted $10 in a gas pump mix-up at a station on Marconi Avenue near the Capital City Freeway. When she returned to the station for a refund, a $10 bill was attached to a receipt with a handwritten notation "black lady big fat."

..."It says 'black lady,' and I can understand that because I am a black lady," Hodges told News10. "But I don't get 'big fat.' I don't get that part."

Are you fucking serious Helen Hodges? What part of you being identified as "big" and "fat" didn't you get? If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, and looks like a duck, its probably a fucking duck. And if you're black and you're a lady and you wear blue XXXL t-shirts, you're probably a big fat black lady.

VERDICT:
if someone described me as "white dude, kind of jewy and out of shape" i wouldn't be happy about it, but i mean, come on. sometimes ya gotta wake up smell the roses big fat black retarded lady

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Warning: dead baby jokes

"DEAD" BABY WAKES UP FOR HIS FUNERAL WAKE
This is pretty fucked up. A baby was born 16 weeks prematurely and was declared dead by doctors. In retrospect, these doctors must be pretty fucking awful, because the baby was still alive. As 1 family member said:

I opened the box and took the baby out and he cried. I got scared and I said 'the baby's crying' ... and then he started moving his arms, his legs and I got scared, we got very scared.

I don't really have anything to say about this, but it seems like a great time to share some dead baby jokes. Because if you're reading this website, chances are you probably like dead baby jokes too.

Whats the difference between a dead baby and a trampoline?
When you jump on a trampoline, you take your shoes off.

How do you stop a baby from crawling round in circles?
Nail its other hand to the floor.

How do you stop a baby from falling down a manhole?
Stick a javelin through it's head.

Why did the baby fall out of a tree?
Because it was dead!

What's the difference between a truck full of bowling balls and a truck full of dead babies?
You can't unload a truck full of bowling balls with a pitchfork.

What do you get a dead baby for his birthday?
A dead puppy.

What's the difference between a baby and a grandmother?
Grandmothers don't die when you fuck them up the ass.
(my personal favorite)

What's the difference between a Cadillac and a pile of dead babies?
I don't have a Cadillac in my garage.

What's worse than finding 7 dead babies in 1 trash can?
Finding 1 dead baby in 7 trash cans.

What's the difference between a dead baby and a Styrofoam cup?
A dead baby doesn't hurt the o-zone when you burn it.

What's pink and red and silver and crawls into walls?
A baby with forks in its eyes.

What's red, bubbly, and scratches at the window before exploding?
A baby in a microwave.

What do you get when you cut a baby with a straight razor?
An erection.

What's the difference between a dead baby and an onion.
You don't cry when you chop up a dead baby.

What do you get when you put a dead baby in a blender?
Hold on. I'll tell you in a second.

VERDICT:
i just copy and paste them. you're the one reading you fucking retarded sickos

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Mystery of the urinal deuce

VIRGINIA POLICE SEEK URINAL VANDAL
Who is this guy?
A) an extra from The Wire
B) Plaxico's new roommate
C) the guy - sorry, the suspect - who vandalized urinals in 7 different restaurants, then pretended to be a plumber so the restaurants would pay him to fix the urinals

If you answered C, then you obviously cheated and read about this story already. Shame on you. But double shame on Carlos O'Kelly's, the 1 restaurant that actually paid this dude between $250-$300 to fix the urinal HE broke in the first place.

Listen, I've taken plenty of pisses in urinals in my day. And if I had a dollar for every time I've been shitfaced in a crowded bar and puked in a urinal, I'd have at least 10 or 12 bucks by now. So, my question is, how the fuck can you vandalize something that people use to puke and piss in on a regular basis? Sounds a little like the legendary Mystery of the Urinal Deuce if you ask me.

Either way, you've got to really fuck up a urinal to be wanted by police. Maybe more urinals should look like these.

VERDICT:
more like carlos o'retards. or retard o'kelly's. whatever

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Who would win in a fight between 2 killer rabbits and a bunch of snakes?

KILLER RABBITS ATTACK SNAKES
After dead, mutilated snakes kept showing up in his yard, Armando Del Manso thought his dog was the one responsible. But then he saw something that he described as "gobsmacked." I have no idea what the fuck gobsmacked means, but you'd probably be gobsmacked too if you saw this:

The snake was raised up in the air in the striking position and the two rabbits worked their way around him and killed him in two minutes. We were watching from the veranda with a spotlight, and I thought, who is going to believe this, they’ll think I’m crazy.....These are killer rabbits, man.

I've seen a lot of retarded shit in my day, but killer bunnies tag-teaming snakes? Fucking eh. Maybe if the Trix Rabbit had taken a few notes from his crazy, snake-eating brothers, he wouldn't have been bullied by a bunch of shit-eating kids and gotten some goddamn cereal. Silly rabbit.

To make this story better, a few days after discovering the killer rabbits, Del Manso "was bitten by a python on the foot while going for a midnight snack in his kitchen at around 2am." OK then.

VERDICT:
if i don't know whether i should be more worried about snakes in my kitchen or killer rabbits in the back yard, i'm probably getting the fuck out of dodge ASAP. retarded

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And the nominees for 2009 mom of the year are...

POLICE: MOM ATTACKS OWN KIDS OVER PORK CHOP
How does the saying go? Spare the rod and spoil the child? Well you know what happens when you spare the rod too often and spoil the child one too many times? You get your fucking pork chops stolen right out from under you. And by your own flesh and blood no less.

Chavonna Gough of Sacramento learned this lesson the hard way. When her two teenage kids, ages 19 and 16, ate the last pork chop at dinner, Ms. Gough said fuck the rod, punched 1 kid square in the face, and chased them both out of the house with a knife. Now the police have the nerve to charge her with felony child abuse and place the 16-year old in protective custody.

Ummm hello officers, but what about the charges for Grand Theft Pork Chop? Everyone knows you can't just take the last pork chop and expect to get away with it. This case could be a black eye on the Sacramento legal system for years to come.

As Chris Rock said, the big piece of chicken is for daddy. And if daddy isn't around, and mommy looks like a Michael Vick dog, then she gets the last pork chop. Done and done.

VERDICT:
grand theft pork chop...oh man i crack myself up

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Heroin's a helluva drug

U.K. ADDICTS MAY BE GIVEN FREE FOIL FOR 'SAFER' HEROIN SMOKING

Fucking FINALLY!! Do you people out there know how often I've just been minding my own business, blogging away about retards, high as a kite off of some Grade-A Afghani heroin, but next thing you know I turn around and I'm out of tin foil!! Well let me tell you, theres no worse feeling in the world. It's like 10 thousand spoons when all you need is a knife. I'll be damned if I'm going to waste time to go to the store for more foil when I'm in the blogging zone. This would solve all my problems.

VERDICT:
what the fuck is safer heroin smoking? is that like jumbo shrimp?

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Revenge served cold, or at least room temperature

L.A. WOMEN OPEN REVENGE-FOR-HIRE BUSINESS

Apparently Adrienne Ferguson and Michelle Duke have seen Dirty Work a few too many times, because they are starting a revenge-for-hire company. Yeah, that might work.

Fees range from $35 to $250, depending how much revenge you'd like to serve. The business and its operatives then plaster scathing fliers all over a victim's neighborhood. Public humiliation accomplished.

Dropping scathing fliers around the neighborhood? That's your fucking revenge? I think I speak for just about everyone when I say your shit is weak Adrienne Ferguson and Michelle Duke. A scathing flier is barely a step up from writing an angry letter to the cable company or something. You want to make a dent in the revenge industry, you need to throw some dead hookers in the trunk and fuck shit up. But I guess this kind of garbage is to be expected when a couple of women decide to crawl out of the kitchen and try to embrace the entrepreneur within.

Listen, some women are pretty cool. Some have awesome tits. Some are even cool AND have awesome tits. But overall women kind of suck. They cry a lot and menstruate all over the place and watch Jon & Kate Plus 8 and suck at driving.

With that said, I'm all for women shattering their glass ceilings and breast feeding in public and whatnot, but this busines venture is doomed to fail unless these chicks substantially pick up their game. Scathing fliers are NOT going to get it done.

VERDICT:
the best quote from the article: "historically, a business like this has led to litigation." good luck retards

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"I get older...they stay the same age"

A RITE OF HAZING, NOW OUT IN THE OPEN

MILLBURN, N.J. — The principal of Millburn High, New Jersey’s top-ranked high school, says it has gone on for a decade: annual hazing by senior girls who create a “slut list” of incoming freshmen for the first day of school. A dozen or more names are written on a piece of notebook paper, with crass descriptions, and copies are passed around — hundreds this year, some say.

“We’ve had girls — which is one of the bad things — obsessed that their names are on it, and girls who were upset that they didn’t make the list,” said the principal, William Miron. “It’s basically vulgar.”

And that is not the only type of hazing that goes on, some girls say. Seniors blow whistles in some girls’ faces and jostle or push them into lockers, leaving them afraid to come to school the next day.

These tales were out in the open on Friday after half a dozen parents complained to public school officials and a discussion of hazing on a private e-mail group for mothers made its way around this Essex County township.

A slut list? That is fucking brilliant!! But I guess this is what we should expect from the Garden State's number 1 high school. A slut list puts everyone in their place from Day 1, not to mention saves the upper classmen dudes valuable time trying to figure out which freshman are D.T.F. and which ones are frigid prudes.

But leave it to a bunch of cunty mothers to start a goddamn emergency e-mail chain and try to shit all over a tried and true high school tradition. They'd probably take away the pledge of allegiance or dick sucking after prom if you gave them half a chance. Pathetic.

Luckily for the sake of freedom and democracy, these girls at Millburn High School are standing their ground and not ratting anyone out.

Most of the girls interviewed after school on Friday said they had never been hazed. Some had not even heard of the problem, and some of those who had said it was all in good fun. One girl talking with friends on Millburn Avenue several blocks from the high school said freshmen were unlikely to name names.

“Then you’ll be the loser,” said the girl, 14, who said she had not been hazed and whose father, contacted later, requested that she not be named. “And it gets much worse.”

This is really no coincidence when you again consider the number 1 high school ranking. Clearly the Millburn school system has built the first rule of the streets into their curriculum: Snitches get stitches. You don't get that kind of education just anywhere.

VERDICT:
i'll be honest. millburn high school isn't too far from me, and i wouldn't mind checking the slut list out for myself. just kidding. but seriously

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Porn star tweet of the day

Cum Spoiled Sluts? Anal Academics? Don't get me wrong, I'm just as big a fan of porn as the next guy with a hand, strong wrists, and 15 minutes to kill, but what the hell happened to clever names for porn?

Everyone knows that porn was built on 3 major tenets that have held it up through the course of time.
1. Hot chicks
2. Degrading cum shots
3. Awesome movie titles

Its like Jenga. You remove one vital piece and the whole system is going to crumble to the ground. You retards want reasons for global warming and the economic crisis and your wireless internet not working when you're taking a shit? It starts with this obvious fall of the porn biz. Its not all tuna dances and deep throating and sugar and spice and everything nice. What ever happened to giving 110%? Read through this list and I guarantee you think ooohh thats a good one at least 3 times. They just don't make em like they used to.

-Lord of the Cockrings
-American Creampie
-Enema of the State
-White Men Can't Hump
-Full Metal Jackoff
-Charlie's Anals
-My Big Fat Greek Titties
-The Slutty Professor
-Forrest Hump
-Nightmare on Cum Street
-Whoreassic Park
-Pulp Friction
-Ghost Fuckers
-Batman and Throbbin'

They say you can't judge a book by its cover, but you can damn sure judge a porn by its title. And that's all I have to say about that.

VERDICT:
anal academics has to have a great plot, right?

P.S. After reading this over, I have no idea what the fuck I'm talking about.

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Ouch

SAVAGE ATTACK LEAVES MAN WITH HALF A HEAD

I think someone is being a bit of a baby here. The dude has AT LEAST 3/4 of his head left, if not more.

Steve Gator got jumped and from the looks of things those guys were not messing around. Unfortunately for him, the "Crown Prosecution Service" has dropped the case to find the attackers since they don't have enough evidence. In other news, the Crown Prosection Service was just named the shittiest police force ever assembled.

Gator's mom was none too happy, saying, "Our boy is walking around with half a head - what more evidence do they need? I can't believe it."

And that, for some reason, reminds me of this:



VERDICT:
is it just me or does his head kind of look like an old beehive haircut from the 50's?

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I ain't saying shes a gold digger.....

MAN ACCUSED OF PLOTTING MAYHEM TO WIN WOMAN'S LOVE

Romeo and Juliet. Mr. and Ms. Pacman. Leonardo DiCaprio and whatshername from Titanic. History is littered with great pairings of love and romance, but sometimes its not so easy as gobbling up ghosts or drawing rich married chicks naked to court the one you love. Sometimes, like Jimmy Santiago-Dominguez, you gotta plot some mayhem to get 'er done.

35-year old Santiago-Dominguez was in a long-distance relationship with 23-year old Elissa Rodriguez, and had paid her rent, utilities, and gave her over $100,000 over the past 18 months. But apparently, the relationship wasn't quite progressing like Santiago-Dominguez had in mind. In addition to being a gold-digging whore, Rodriguez apparently set up Santiago-Dominguez's sister on a date with a dude who gave her herpes. And as the old Chinese proverb goes, Fool me once, shame on me. Give my sister herpes, shame on you. So what did Santiago-Dominguez do? The only logical think one can do when a gold-digging whore won't put out and gives your sister herpes.

The plan? Hire his roommate to kidnap Rodriguez, slash her face repeatedly with a utility knife and torch her Toyota. That way, Dominguez reasoned, he could "be there for her," helping his disfigured angel recover from her wounds by giving her tender care and a brand new car.

Fucking brilliant, right? How could something like this ever go wrong? Unfortunately, Santiago-Dominguez's roomate is a jealous prick, and ratted his boy out to the police. He was immediately arrested, and is being charged with mayhem, kidnapping, and arson. Now, kidnapping and arson are pretty self-explanatory, but how the fuck does someone get arrested for mayhem? That is just about as badass as it gets. I don't even think you could commit mayhem in Grand Theft Auto, and you could do pretty much anything in that game.

VERDICT:
as bono said, "in the nameeeee of retarded love, what more in the name of retarded loveeeeeeee."

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Who let the dogs out? Ronnie Gilbertson did

RONNIE GILBERTSON ABANDONS FAMILY FOR DEATH ROW DOG

Thomas Jefferson. John F. Kennedy. The guy who invented those Juicy pants. All true heroes, who will go down as leaders and visionaries in the annals of history. These men fought for what they believed in and didn't take no guff from no one (except for JFK, pretty sure getting shot in the fucking head counts as taking guff). The kind of men that I'd be proud to see my yet-to-be-conceived daughter with. Granted, my daughter will probably be white so Jefferson wouldn't be interested in her, but that's neither her nor there. Because this post isn't about Thomas Jefferson inventing jungle fever, and its not about JFK double teaming Marilyn Monroe with Joe DiMaggio, and its certainly not about the genius who gave men everywhere a legit excuse to check out a girl's ass. This post is a welcome-with-open-arms to another legend in history, Mr. Ronnie Gilbertson, who is redefining what it means to be man's best friend.

Gilbertson's dog, Max, was sentenced to be put down after attacking a few other dogs and killing a couple of sheep. Pretty harsh if you ask me, but I guess if the judicial system doesn't protect the rights of defenseless sheep, nobody will. Armed with only good intentions and a pair of wire cutters, Gilbertson broke Max out of doggy death row, just minutes before he was to be put down. The 2 have since gone on the lam, and nobody has seen Mr. Gilbertson or Max since. I'm pretty sure this was the exact plot of Beethoven, but I can't be certain, and I am too lazy to fact-check.

Gilbertson's girlfriend, Fiona Harvey, defends her man.

I don't have a problem with what Ronnie has done. I would hope he would do the same for our kids in similar circumstances.

Regrettably, I don't know Ronnie personally, but when his 2-year old daughter and 11-month old son are wasting away on death row for killing sheep and attacking dogs, there is no doubt in my mind he would break them out and go into hiding. Not just to stick it to the man or because he's a rabble-rouser, because its just the right thing to do, and sometimes, standing up for what you believe in is the only thing that matters. God bless you Ronnie Gilbertson. You are a true inspiration to all.

VERDICT:
they have death row for dogs? fucking retarded

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Are you ready for some football?

The NFL season starts tonight, and in honor of this momentous occasion, I would like to review two incredibly fucking retarded stories involving two superstars, Shawne Merriman and Ben Roethlisberger. I should note that sexual assault charges and domestic abuse cases are pretty much standard operating procedure in the NFL, but recently each of these stories has taken a pretty awesome turn for the better, and warrants some attention.
First, there is Shawne Merriman, the kind of guy who could make you poop your pants if you ever came across him in a dark alley. I dare you to look at that picture of him and tell me you disagree. And no you racist fucks, I'm not just saying that because he is a black dude. I'm saying it because he is a MASSIVE black dude and could rip me apart like a piece of construction paper without even thinking twice about it.

Anyway, Merriman is being investigated for choking his girlfriend, Tila Tequila, who is one of those chicks who makes me feel old and lame for not understanding why she is famous. Push comes to shove I would definitely do her, but if you don't see the resemblance between her and Stitch from Lilo & Stitch you need your eyes checked.

Merriman claimed that Tequila was shitfaced and trying to drive home from his house, and he was just trying to keep her safe. Tequila is claiming that she is allergic to alcohol, so she couldn't have been drunk and Merriman is lying. Classic case of he said/she said, but when alcohol allergies are involved, the shit is going to hit the fan every time. On another note, how a girl who goes by the name of Tila Tequila could claim to be allergic to alcohol is beyond me. Thats like the little Planter's guy saying he's allergic to peanuts. Makes no sense. But that's just a small taste of the kind of retarded shit that we must keep track of here at The World is Retarded executive complex.

Anyway, domestic abuse cases are a dime a dozen in the NFL, but this story just got a billion times better.

...witnesses at Merriman's home said the three-time Pro Bowl linebacker went to his bedroom with two women. Sources said Tequila walked into the room and Merriman asked her to join them. However, the sources said Tequila reacted angrily and threatened to have sex with a member of Merriman's entourage. According to sources, Tequila was intoxicated, and she got naked and attempted to leave the house.

Now, if I had a dollar every time my Asian side piece walked in on me in a 3some but refused to join in and instead stripped down and threatened to fuck one of my buddies, I'd be a rich, rich man. Just another day in the life, ya know?

Bottom line regardless of how this story ends up, I will always be left to wonder what the fuck it means to be allergic to alcohol.
As for Ben Roethlisberger, a few months ago some pretty ugly chick accused him of sexual assault, which he denied. Now, I can't say for certain because I'm no chick, and I'm not even a Steelers fan, but I have to imagine if a 2-time Super Bowl winning QB with the nickname "Big Ben" wants a particular piece of pussy, he wouldn't have much trouble getting it. Flash the Super Bowl rings, show off a badass scar or two, and BAM that bitch is wetter than a hobo on a rainy day.

This happened several months ago, and there's been a lot of back and forth bullshit since then, but this revelation just came out:

A lawyer for a Nevada casino worker accusing Ben Roethlisberger of sexually assaulting her last year at a Lake Tahoe resort wants a list of every woman the Steelers quarterback has slept with and any who have claimed sexual misconduct on his part. Reno attorney Calvin Dunlap filed the request late Tuesday as part of a court filing opposing motions to have the civil lawsuit dismissed. Dunlap also requested, among other things, Roethlisberger's telephone and e-mail records and for him to undergo psychiatric and physical examinations. His lawyers have suggested the same for his accuser, calling her "disturbed and calculating" and a "sex addict."

This chick is taking it to another level and clearly means business. This is like the Pearl Harbor of sexual assault cases. She's daring Big Ben to officially enter the war and fight back, but she knows it might not be worth the collateral damage it could cause him.

Its one thing to dabble in he said/she said crap like Tila Tequila, but requesting a list of every piece of ass Roethlisberger has tapped is like asking someone to count the grains of sand at the beach. The dude has his own freaking sandwich named after him for gods sake, and people with sandwiches named after them don't get there by accident. There are prerequisites and requirements, one of which is having plowed through more chicks than you can ever hope to remember. Lesson learned...you can't trust a disturbed and calculating sex addict any farther than you can throw her.

VERDICT:
neither of these stories are as retarded as plaxico burress, who SHOT HIMSELF IN HIS OWN MOTHERFUCKING LEG!!!!!!!!!

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The r-word

RETHINKING 'RETARDED': SHOULD IT LEAVE THE LEXICON?
This story was recently brought to my attention. Apparently there is a growing movement to ban the word "retard" from everyday use, especially in movies and TV. As a world renowned retard-identifier and leader and innovator in the field of retardization analysis, I feel I have no choice but to address this.

Let me first say that here at The World is Retarded, we take our use of the terms retard and retarded very seriously. Never is the use of this word meant to exploit or mock people who are actually mentally retarded, just the people who do things that are so fucking absurd, retarded is the only appropriate term to describe them.

Whether its a porn star telling the entire world about her asshole exercises or MILFs who keep their miscarriages in the fridge, what the hell are you supposed to call some of these people? Not to mention most real retards typically have pretty superhuman strength, and the last thing I need is to be attacked by one of those buggers. The only thing more embarrassing than getting beat up by a girl is getting beat up by a retard. So believe you me when I say we're not trying to intentionally ruffle any retarded feathers. Plus I've heard that shit is contagious.

VERDICT:
i know its not actually contagious. just remember, even the rainman was a re-tard

P.S. I do feel a little bad about this post. If it makes any difference I didn't really think The Ringer was that funny.

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Bad idea of the day

ISLAMIC SEARCH ENGINE IMHALAL FILTERS OUT POTENTIALLY SINFUL MATERIAL
A Dutch company just launched the world's first Islamic search engine, which apparently will warn the user and block out any searches of inappropriate words or terms.

The ImHalal service works like any other search facility until potentially illicit words are entered, when it rates the search from one to three on its risk of generating “haram” or forbidden material.

You show me 1 person who has never intentionally used the internet for some Level-3 haram action, and I will show you a fucking liar.

For the record, I don't mean to offend the Islam people out there, mostly because I am ignorant and scared that they all want to blow me up in the name of hummus or Al-Jazeera or whatever it is they do, but I am forced to ask here: What the shit is the point of the internet if you can't look at anything sinful or illicit? I'm not saying everyone uses this internet thing for evil, but lets just say if Jeopardy ever had a 2 girls 1 cup category, I would bet my bottom dollar that everyone playing along at home would sweep the fucking board.

VERDICT:
i'm no donald trump, but i just don't see this site working at all. the internet without sin is like a pop-tart without frosting, or a chick with no vagina. there's just no point

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Um like shut the fuck up

Are you fucking serious Ellis Lanksder? I'm not even the least bit surprised your name rhymes with wankster, because thats exactly what you look like right here. Now, I don't know you and you don't know me. And for the record, there is zero doubt in my mind that if you did happen to know me, and by some butterfly effect-type of miraculous moment in time you ever read what I'm writing about you and met me face-to-face, that you would be capable of beating the shit out of me. Like you could literally beat my ass until I shit myself out of my eyeballs, and I would probably be defenseless to stop you or even slow you down. I'm not disputing this. But all I'm saying is, you're in the freaking NFL now and you need to step up your game, both on and off the field.

I know you were a 7th round pick and are fighting to make the team, but like Ben Affleck said in Boiler Room before he became a fag and made a movie about being a freaking blind superhero, "Act as if. Act as if you are the fucking President of this firm. Act as if you got a 9" cock. Okay? Act as if."

Take Shawne Merriman for example. Merriman is one of the best players in the NFL. He has a silly mohawk and takes steroids and shakes the shit out of chicks like Tila Tequila. And do you think anyone gives a shit? Fuck no. Because he doesn't stutter like a 7th grade girl with Tourette's. He acts as if he is the fucking President of this firm and has a 90 pound dick and does whatever the fuck he wants. Act as if.

VERDICT:
1 more thing ellis wankster lanksder....stop calling everyone sir. this isn't 1960's alabama. didn't you ever hear of a dude named obama when you were skipping your public speaking class? shit done changed man

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