After minutes and minutes of searching high and low for a great video, I found this dancing uni-brow. Listen bud, just because you call it a "parody" doesn't mask the fact that you recorded yourself dancing to the Spice Girls and posted in on the internet for the ENTIRE WORLD to see. I guess you have to pass the time some how when you're not meeting up with 12-year olds from Myspace.
VERDICT:
an oldie but a goodie. this is probably a good time to update the jerk file
Some dick tortured a cat named Possum with an air rifle by shooting it 27 times in the neck and the head. Now, I've lived with cats before, and sure they kill mice and its fun to fuck with them by shining a laser pointer on the wall, but bottom line is that cats are weird as shit. And anybody who owns more than 1 cat is just as weird as their little shitrats.
All cats do is shit, eat, sleep, stare out the window, and if they have owners that smoke weed, they get high. Maybe I'm just jealous of that incredible lifestyle, but cats suck. They puke all over your stuff, scratch you for no fucking reason, run up and down the hallways at night like a fucking mental patient on crack, and will conveniently come sit in your lap right after they drop a deuce and have little kitty-dingleberries caught under their tail. Cats can all go fuck themselves for all I care. Even you, cute little cartoon cat from Shrek. Fuck you.
With that said, I would never shoot a cat 27 times in the neck and face. Mostly because I'd be horrified the thing would turn back into a witch and cast a spell on me or something.
For the record, the cat survived, and makes 50 Cent look like a pussy for only getting shot 9 times. Just kidding Fiddy. Anyone who made the bullet proof vest fashionable is badass enough for me.
VERDICT:
the cat is probably most traumatized from being named "possum"
In Brussels, 756 people set a world record by waiting in line to use a single toilet. The record was set in some kind of effort to raise awareness for clean water on World Water Day, whatever the hell that is.
In other news, another world record was set when 756 people in Brussels all did the pee-pee dance at the same time.
VERDICT:
how the shit do you even organize something like this?
For some reason, Jordan Witham not only let it be known that he fucks his car, but he let himself be interviewed about it. And when I say he fucks his car, I don't mean he bangs chicks IN his car, or that he's a bad driver and fucks UP his car. By fucks his car, I mean that he has penis to tail pipe intercourse. Yep. You just read that in a sentence.
And his Dad knows about it. And he named his car Ingo. Now enjoy the highlights.
-“I don’t fancy people. It’s cars that do it for me – I don’t want to marry or have kids.”
-“I could feel myself falling in love while I worked on Ingo. I once became so aroused, I started rubbing her bodywork and masturbating. It didn’t feel strange, just really exciting. After a few minutes, I felt a desire to connect with her further, so I had penetrative sex with the exhaust pipe.” (Note: WHOA!!)
-“I don’t always have sex with the car. Sometimes I stroke and kiss her bodywork, or rub myself up against her. If I’ve just been driving her, I have to wait for the exhaust pipe to cool down before I have sex. And I always use a condom because of all the dirt and dust inside.”
-Jordan, who also masturbates while reading car magazines, has spent over £2,500 refurbishing Ingo.
-Now he has spent a further £200 on a “boy” car, a Trans Am he calls Todd, and is experimenting with a “gay” relationship. Jordan says: “He’s very masculine. When I first bought him, I felt like I was cheating on Ingo, but now we all work well together." (Note: Uhhh.....what?)
-“I have sex with Ingo more than Todd because Todd is kept in the driveway, not in the garage. I have to sneak outside in the middle of the night to have sex with him.”
VERDICT:
ingo?!?
PLAYBOY POSTS UNEDITED BACK ISSUES ONLINE, FOR FREE
When Prince said he wanted to party like its 1999, I can only assume he had some big expectations for the future. His idea of the future probably included public orgies or everyone having their own pony or something, but thats neither here nor there. The bottom line is even a full decade after Prince's ideal futuristic date to party, the future still blows.
Seriously, its 2009 by now, and what do we have to show for it? OK, iPods and wireless internet and Wikipedia are pretty cool, but anyone who tells you they thought 2009 would be like this is full of shit. Where are the flying cars? Why can't we read minds yet? Why don't we live on the moon?
Well maybe if you took your head out of your ass and stopped asking those stupid fucking questions, you'd see the future is here, and its being brought to you by Playboy. Because Playboy recently made over 50 old issues of their magazine available to view online, word by word, page by page, titty by titty, for the low, low price of FREE.
So not only can you witness firsthand the evolution of the female bush over the last 50 years, and not only can you spank it to the same pictures your father and grandfather spanked it to, but you can do it all for FREE!!! Thats what the fuck I'm talking about.
On behalf of Playboy, and in honor of all of the naked women you can eye-fuck who are either dead or old as dirt by now, welcome to the future.
VERDICT:
awesome. keep your fingers crossed on flying cars next
DOG EATS $400, BUT WOMAN RECOVERS SOME OF IT
Kelley Davis, a woman in North Carolina, had an extra $400 laying around that she was going to deposit, when she realized it was missing. This Junior Detective realized her dog ate it when she took the dog for a walk and he shitted out parts of 3 $100 bills, and 5 $20 bills. The article says, "She washed them with a garden hose and hopes to find enough pieces to exchange them for cash."
Who the hell is going to give this woman clean, new cash for ripped up, digested, poop-covered cash? I am very anxious to know. I know a lot of banks are in the shitter, but they have to draw the line somewhere. (Ba-dum-CH!!)
In other news, Kelley Davis beat the shit out of her dog the other day.
VERDICT:
is 400 bucks really worth digging through dog shit for? (checks bank account and wallet.) on second thought, maybe it is. touche kelley davis
Do you know someone who rips stinky farts on the reg? Here is the perfect gift for them, and its only $9.95 for a 5-pack. If you've ever practically tasted a fart because it smelled so bad, you know this is a bargain.
For the record, I know the video is 1:31, and personally my attention span for a youtube video is only about a minute, but just watch it until the end when the bald guy sharts himself. Sharts hard. I just feel like this is the kind of thing where you'll want to know what people are talking about when it comes up. And it WILL come up.
VERDICT:
either so fucking retarded or absolute genius. i have no idea
STUDENT, 15, SUSPENDED FOR PASSING GAS
A Polk County teenage student has been suspended from school because he intentionally passed gas, according to school officials....School officials said the teen repeatedly passed gas to make other children laugh. They said the smell also made it difficult to breathe.
In all seriousness, I once had a roommate who hands-down had the worst smelling farts I've ever smelled. And it wasn't like once-in-a-while-after-too-many-buffalo-wings that they would really stink. This kid consistently ripped the wettest, nastiest, most toxic farts of all time. And I fucking hated him for it.
The living room always smelled like an overwhelming mixture of Febreze and a garbage can full of dirty diapers. And not a little garbage can, like you might have in your bathroom or under your desk. I mean a big ass industrial-sized metal garbage can, like where Oscar the Grouch lives. Imagine one of those fuckers full of moldy, shit-filled diapers, spray a little Febreze on there, and welcome yourself to my old living room.
By the end of the year, our couch was unusable and we all just stayed in our rooms. So if this 15-year old's farts are anything like my old roommate's, I say lock him up and home-school him. And when he's locked in his room sulking, light that little shit (pun intended) on fire. His friends and the ozone will eventually thank you, guaranteed.
VERDICT:
suspended for farting? really? retarded
PORN STING GOES TO THE DOGS: ATTEMPT TO ENSNARE BOYFRIEND COMES BACK TO BITE INDIANA WOMAN
Michelle Owen, a bright, well-respected, and very classy 24-year old young woman from Indiana, was concerned that her ex-boyfriend was using her computer to look at kiddie porn. So she did what any bright, well-respected, classy young woman would do, and had local police search the computer for anything illegal. Unfortunately, Ms. Owen forget she had left videos of her getting freaky-deeky with her dog, Toby, in the recycle bin of the computer. The police report gets nice and graphic if you want hilarious details.
This bright, well-respected, classy lady was then arrested on 2 counts of beastiality. On a side note, the article spells it BESTiality. As in the BEST kind of iality there is.
The article also stated, "Cops believe that the dog in question, Toby, is a beagle." Too bad it wasn't a cocker spaniel. Get it? COCKer spaniel? That just happened.
VERDICT:
michelle owen, you are a crazy whore. and a stupid retard. empty the recycle bin next time like the rest of us
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