Retard of the day
What the fuck is this guy doing? And does he own the gayest dog in the world?
VERDICT:
seriously, what the FUCK was this retard doing?
Sunday, May 31, 2009
"Trimmin' the bush to make the tree look taller"
I have no idea if this was actually put out by Gillette or not, but assuming it was...ummm WHAT THE FUCK???
VERDICT:
good to know
Lil' retard of the day
Think what you will, but little kids freaking out like a bunch of retards is always hilarious in my book. A few years ago I worked at a summer camp, and one time this kid was running toward some metal bleachers, tripped over his own little retard feet, and cracked his forehead on the side of the bleachers, resulting in an inch-wide gash and plenty of blood. Granted, it was probably pretty painful, and he probably has a badass scar years later, but he was freaking out like an autistic kid during a school fire drill, and we had to shoot him with 3 horse tranquilizers just to calm him down. OK, I made that last part up, but this kid was FREAKING out.
I'm not quite sure if that story has much to do with this video, but what the fuck is wrong with this little girl? She's standing there freaking out like that guy in Austin Powers who's about to get run over by the steam roller, but has like 2 full minutes to move and still gets run over. And how big of a cunt is the mother? Jesus mom, relax.
VERDICT:
children: our future? or the biggest fucking retards on earth?
Friday, May 29, 2009
Learn-something-new-everyday video of the day
Have you ever wondered what it looks like to see a matador get speared by a bull? Wonder no more. I dare you to not make a sound that's impossible to spell when he starts flopping around.
VERDICT:
ouch
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
No means yes, yes means anal
PORCUPINE TAKES REVENGE ON TOURISTS BREAKING SEX LAWS
I don't know how credible this "Russian Today" website is, but I don't even think you could make this shit up. Two tourists from St. Petersburg were visiting Florida, when they apparently got wasted and decided to eff a porcupine....even though that is strictly forbidden by Florida law.
Of all animals to NOT eff, a porcupine seems like a no-brainer, right up there with a bull, crocodile, and Sarah Jessica Parker. Why this would even need to be a law is completely beyond me, but I digress.
Anyway, this porcupine decided she (he?) wasn't in the mood to be Eiffel Tower'd by a couple of shitfaced Communists, and she/he let them know.
The newspaper didn’t go into technical details about what happened next, but the next day both men, who spent the night taking a flight to Los Angeles, had to go to Cedars-Sinai Medical Center. The diagnosis was hardly unexpected: porcupine needles in the genitals.
The damage caused by the porcupine fighting for its honor was horrific. Both Anton and Evgeny had severe inflammation and nearly lost their private parts. At least they didn’t have to answer to the law, having left Florida before seeking medical help.
So to review, these 2 double-teamed a porcupine, mangled their junk, and flew from Miami to Los Angeles with porcupine needles in their dicks BEFORE going to a hospital!!
VERDICT:
i've gone entire flights having to take a shit or sitting next to a fat guy. i once threw up all over myself 2 hours into a 20 hour trip back from australia to the US. another time i watched the fucking notebook because that was the only movie being shown on the flight. but none of that can possibly compare to a cross-country flight with porcupine needles stabbed into your balls. that is fucking retarded
"Smells like a used diaper filled with Indian food"
INDIAN DAD AVOIDS WASHING FOR 35 YEARS: REPORT
- (FYI, this is Lord Shiva)
Now, I know what you're thinking. Ugh, Indian people are smelly enough, but this dude didn't shower for 35 freaking years?!! Thats's fucking gross. He probably smells like Big Foot's dick.
Well get those narrow-minded, ignorant thoughts out of your head you racist piece of shit, because Kalau Singh is the fucking man. Apparently, after having 7 daughters, he got fed up with those whiny little bitches, so he changed up his daily routine to ensure his next kid would be a boy. Apparently back in the day, "a seer once told Kalau that if he does not take a bath, he would be blessed with a male child." Not sure what this seer's credentials were, but Kalau took his advice to heart.
Kailash "Kalau" Singh replaces bathing and brushing his teeth with a "fire bath" every evening when he stands on one leg beside a bonfire, smokes marijuana and says prayers to Lord Shiva, according to the Hindustan Times.
Except for standing on 1 leg next to a fire and praying to Lord Shiva, I have the exact same evening routine. Though I also brush my teeth and shower. So really not the same routine at all except for the marijuana part, but Kalau sounds a lot more interesting than when you first started reading, doesn't he?
Kalau said, "It's just like using water to take a bath. A fire bath helps kill germs and infection in the body."
It should be noted he was probably high as shit when he said this, seeing as how the grocery store he used to own was forced to shut down when customers complained of his "unhealthy personality."
VERDICT:
on 2nd thought, when other indian peeps are complaining you smell, it must be awful. unless his son is the next slumdog millionaire, i don't think it was worth it
Monday, May 18, 2009
Hide and go seek: fish-style
A 2cm long fish apparently found it's way into the penis of a 14-year-old boy from India in a bizarre medical case.
Ugh. Well, between that and the headline, this story is pretty self-explanatory. The boy claims this happened when he was cleaning his fish tank at home, which raises the question why the fuck was he cleaning his fish tank with his penis???
If you want to dry-heave, feel free to read the details of how doctors removed the fish.
VERDICT:
i don't buy that this happened when he was cleaning his fish tank. seems a little fishy to me. get it? fishy? ba-dum-chh!! either way, the fish might be just as retarded as the kid
Friday, May 15, 2009
Parade of the day
WORLD'S LARGEST BIKINI PARADE ON LAS VEGAS STRIP
What a genius marketing campaign. In case gambling, legal prostitution, and drinking 24 hours a day weren't enough to entice you to visit Las Vegas, now there's a parade of 300 hot chicks walking around in bikinis.
This was done to mark the 50th anniversary of the construction of the neon "Welcome to Las Vegas" sign that greets the city's visitors. Whatever.
VERDICT:
not sure i see the connection between a neon sign and 300 chicks in bikinis, but i really don't need to see a connection as long as i see 300 chicks in bikinis. in the words of those weird cartoon-guys from the guinness commercials, "brilliant!"
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Better luck next time
CONVICT JAMMED PENIS IN ZIPPER IN ESCAPE BID
A prisoner in England jammed his dick in his fly. Normally, doing something like this makes you pretty retarded, because it obviously hurts like a muthafucka and there's a good chance a part of your junk will get caught in your zipper, making it look like a piece of chewed Juicy Fruit is stuck to your pants. But that is hardly retarded enough to warrant a mention here. Shit happens.
But prisoner Kelly Edney is retarded because he did this on purpose, as part of a grand scheme to be taken to a hospital and escape from there. Not quite the Shawshank Redemption, but I guess its better than being raped in the shower.
Once at the hospital for his zipped up dick, Edney went to a bathroom, got out of his handcuffs, and escaped out of a window to sniff the sweet smell of freedom. Unfortunately, once escaped, he proceeded to assault a woman, steal her car, and then was caught again after a high-speed police chase.
On the bright side, nobody wants to rape him anymore because his dick looks like an old teething toy for babies.
VERDICT:
whether you crawl through a pipeline of diarrhea like andy dufresne or mangle your dong like kelly edney here, you sure as hell better make sure once you're free you don't get caught again. retard
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Happy retarded mother's day
TEXAS MOM WHO PUT FETUS IN FRIDGE GETS 22 YEARS FOR CHILD INJURY AND ENDANGERMENT
- (The second worst mother of all time.)
First of all, I am well aware this is the 2nd fetus-in-the-fridge story in the past week. I'd like to point out that I don't actively search for these kinds of stories, but anytime somebody puts a dead fetus in their own refrigerator, its fucking retarded no matter the circumstances.
Aside from that, Gloria Ramirez is probably the worst mother of all time. Not only did she put a freaking fetus in the fridge, but she has 9 other kids, is prego with numero 10, and her house had mice, roaches, dirty diapers, and garbage all over the place. So Happy Retarded Mother's Day to Gloria. See ya in 22 years.
VERDICT:
2 fetus-in-the-fridge stories in 1 week!!! retarded
Friday, May 8, 2009
Recipe for a nightmare
I'm not a fag, so I don't speak French, and I'm not a crazed serial killer, so I don't really know what the shit is going on here, but apparently this commercial was made for the Canadian equivalent of the slurpee. And apparently Canadians like their slurpees to be made from clowns that have been heinously and viciously slaughtered.
Oh. My. God.
VERDICT:
i'm not ashamed to admit that clowns terrify me. there's an 80% chance i have a nightmare about this tonight and wet the bed
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Party of the day
OOMPA-LOOMPA, SPIDERMAN AND THE TELETUBBY TINKY-WINKY HELD AFTER BRAWL
Some hotel resort in jolly old England was having a "Welcome Family Holiday Party" when people got drunk, shit went down, and a bunch of people in costumes started brawling. If this doesn't sound like a kickass party to you, well, you probably just don't know how to party and are lame as fuck.
Someone who was working at the party said, "It was rather comical in some ways because of the fancy dress costumes people were wearing."
Rather comical in some ways? This would be fucking AWESOME!! Think back to a time you were at a party and completely shitfaced. At the height of the party, when you were at your pinnacle of shitfacedness, between pulling the trigger, ripping another shot, and housing some Bagel Bites, wouldn't a fight between Spiderman, an Oompa-Loompa, and a Teletubby have been the most amazing thing you could've asked for?? I rest my case.
VERDICT:
don't underestimate the oompa-loompas....they look fucking crazy
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
The price is right
If I ever make it on The Price is Right, you can bet your bottom dollar I'm going to bid either $69 or $420 on something. Dr. Bummer is clearly on the same page as me.
The crowd loves it. Drew loves it. Good times all around. The only disturbing thing is the Showcase Girl is about 7 months preggers. The only thing fatter than her is Drew Carey's glasses. And Drew Carey.
VERDICT:
a gynecologist named dr. bummer?
Worst. BJ. Ever.
WOMEN BITES LOVER'S PENIS OFF IN CAR CRASH
Guy is getting a beej in the car from his secretary. Guy's car gets hit by van. Guy gets his dick bitten off. Yada yada yada. Imagine the thought process in this guy's head when this happened. He went from feeling like the king of the world to feeling like his dick got bitten off.....because it did.
Keep in mind this happened in Singapore, where they beat the shit out of you for throwing gum on the sidewalk. I can only imagine the punishment for biting off someone's dick.
To add insult to injury, a private detective hired by the woman's husband apparently saw the whole thing. You could say she was caught red-handed. Literally. Because there was blood everywhere, and she probably had blood on her hands. It's a shame because this is probably the last dick she'll ever put anywhere near her mouth.
VERDICT:
retarded. i guess you could say she bit off more than she could chew. heyyy ohhh!!!!
Monday, May 4, 2009
Take a walk on the wild side
WIFE: SLEEP-WALKING HUSBAND MAY HAVE DROWNED
OSHKOSH (AP) - An Oshkosh area woman says she fears her husband may have gone sleepwalking and drowned in the Fox River.
Cherie Merkes says her 55-year old husband, Michael Merkes, had been feeling tired and sick before he dissappeared last Saturday. She says he took a prescription sleep aid Friday night, and they agreed he would go to a walk-in clinic Saturday if he did not feel better.
A walk-in clinc!! HAHAHA.
VERDICT:
ba-dum-CHH!!
That wasn't brushetta...
'PUT YOUR DEAD BABY IN THE FRIDGE': WHAT NURSE TOLD MOTHER WHO SUFFERED MISCARRIAGE
Well this headline doesn't leave much to the imagination. But some girl, who I guess is kind of hot, had a miscarriage in the middle of the night. So she calls her local hospital, and a nurse tells her to put her miscarriage in the fridge to keep it cold until the girl's appointment 2 days later. For the record, Wikipedia defines "miscarriage" as a spontaneous shmashmortion. Ugh.
So what does this chick do? Well, lets ask her.
I put it in a Tupperware box and sealed it up and wrapped it in a plastic bag because I could see the arms and legs and some of the head and put it in the fridge towards the back. It was horrible. Every time I went to the fridge I had to look at it.
EWWWWWWWWW!!!!
Who is more retarded here? The nurse who told her to save the aborted shmashmortion in the fridge? Or the dumbfuck who actually did it??? Trick question. They are both fucking retards.
VERDICT:
classic example of retarded math. 1 retard + 1 retard = a miscarriage in the back of the fridge
You're welcome
If I told you I had a video of Megan Fox waking up, drinking a Miller Lite in a bathing suit, grilling some chicken out by the pool, and then licking her lips in a mirror wearing a tight black dress, is that something you might be interested in? And if not, what the fuck is wrong with you??
VERDICT:
this is not retarded at all. if she was any hotter my computer would burst into flames
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