Better luck next time

CONVICT JAMMED PENIS IN ZIPPER IN ESCAPE BID

A prisoner in England jammed his dick in his fly. Normally, doing something like this makes you pretty retarded, because it obviously hurts like a muthafucka and there's a good chance a part of your junk will get caught in your zipper, making it look like a piece of chewed Juicy Fruit is stuck to your pants. But that is hardly retarded enough to warrant a mention here. Shit happens.

But prisoner Kelly Edney is retarded because he did this on purpose, as part of a grand scheme to be taken to a hospital and escape from there. Not quite the Shawshank Redemption, but I guess its better than being raped in the shower.

Once at the hospital for his zipped up dick, Edney went to a bathroom, got out of his handcuffs, and escaped out of a window to sniff the sweet smell of freedom. Unfortunately, once escaped, he proceeded to assault a woman, steal her car, and then was caught again after a high-speed police chase.

On the bright side, nobody wants to rape him anymore because his dick looks like an old teething toy for babies.

VERDICT:
whether you crawl through a pipeline of diarrhea like andy dufresne or mangle your dong like kelly edney here, you sure as hell better make sure once you're free you don't get caught again. retard