Webcam Friday

There are so many retards out there who record themselves dancing to and/or singing along to songs and put the video on YouTube for the entire world to see. Usually they look like complete douches, and I can't think of a better way to welcome the weekend than by viciously mocking these retards here. Without further ado, Webcam Friday presents this chubby loner rocking out to Pink.

For some reason I can't embed this video, but I swear on everything holy it is worth watching.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fg3eFuQ169Q&feature=related

VERDICT:
great interpretive dance moves. the stage dive off the bed is legendary

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Suck me, beautiful

CAUGHT IN A VACUUM: JUDGE TO SENTENCE SWAN CREEK TOWNSHIP MAN IN CAR WASH SEX CASE

I am literally speechless after this story. Some dude got caught with his dick in a vacuum (Jason L. Savage to be specific). What the hell are you to supposed to say when someone catches you doing that? You were cleaning your pubes and accidentally sucked up your dong?

I hope no vacuums read that article and want to seek vengeance for their violated comrade, because it lists the guy's full name AND home address. That could get ugly. Or feel really good. Can't really decide.

VERDICT:
how you get caught with your dick in a vacuum at a public car wash is just beyond me. you better be 110% sure the place is closed or at least empty

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Cream or milk?

TOPLESS CAFE GIVES NEIGHBORS THE JITTERS

Some new coffee place opened up in Maine, and the servers all work topless. Pretty self explanatory.

My only question is, is "the jitters" another word for boner?

VERDICT:
the only retarded thing about this is that its in maine. these should be one of these in every city and town across the universe.

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He lost the bet

VIAGRA ORGY MAN COLLAPSES

The title says it all. I'm just going to copy and paste the whole article here. No commentary necessary.

A sex-mad Russian died after guzzling a bottle of Viagra pills to keep him going for a 12-hour orgy with two women pals.

The women had bet mechanic Sergey Tuganov £3,000 that he wouldn’t be able to satisfy them both non-stop for the half-day sex marathon.

But minutes after winning the wager, the randy 28-year-old dropped dead with a heart attack, revealed Moscow police.

One of the women, named only as Alina, said: “We called emergency services but it was too late, there was nothing they could do.”

VERDICT:
if you're gonna die, it might as well be while doing 2 chicks at the same time. cheers to this guy

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1 is the loneliest number

ONE-ARMED TV HOST SCARES KIDS, PARENTS SAY

Parents in England are bitching that a host of a children's show only has 1 arm, which is frightening the kids. Part of me wants to just say, "No shit look at that thing. It looks like a shattered bowling pin." But another part of me wonders if compared to the kid-toucher next to her, the 1-arm deal ain't no thing. Look at the creepy grin on that guy's face! Would you leave your kids alone with him?

But another part of me can't help but blame these whiny, racist British kids. Well, maybe not racist, but whatever racism against handicapped people is called. Whatever that term is, the parents need to tell these kids to buck up and deal with it.

One mother said in an e-mail, “I didn't want to let my children watch the filler bits on the bedtime hour last night because I know it would have played on my eldest daughter's mind and possibly caused sleep problems.”

Sleep problems?? I cheered along as Jim Abbott throw a no-hitter with 1 good arm and half a table leg, and these kids are scared of some blonde chick with a little nubber!! What kind of little pussy is this lady's daughter? As our world becomes more and more retarded by the day, we're just gonna have to get used to this kind of crap.

VERDICT:
that dude definitely owns a van with curtains over the windows and a pony from a merry-go-round in the backseat

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Brilliant

UTAH'S 4-DAY WORKWEEK DRAWING ATTENTION

If this catches on, I don't care who gets the credit, but I had the idea years ago to switch the weekend with the weekdays. So basically you have to work Saturday and Sunday, and maybe Friday if your boss is an asshole, but you get the rest of the week off. This genius platform won me so many class president elections in elementary school I can't even tell you.

VERDICT:
so what if utah did it for budget reasons, and my motivation was my mono-like laziness and complete disregard for hard work? the results are the same, and the ends always justify the means (whatever that means)

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Everyone poops

Dwight Howard can not only dunk from half court like the monsters in Space Jam, but he takes shits just like you and me. His shit is probably bigger than my leg, but its good to know he's just a regular guy, dropping heat before games. Skip to 20 seconds if you're really lazy.

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Ariel was hotter

MERMAID DREAM COMES TRUE THANK TO WETA

Some chick in New Zealand, Nadya Vessey, lost her legs as a young girl, and decided the only logical next step was to become a mermaid. She had a special effects company make her a wetsuit that resembled a mermaid tail, and tested it out in a pool and a harbor. Wow.

The designer of the mermaid get-up said, "What became apparent was that she actually physically wanted to look like a mermaid."

What also became apparent is that when the girl lost her legs, she also lost her fucking mind.

VERDICT:
ariel the REAL mermaid is one of top 3 hottest cartoons of all time, right behind tess trueheart from dick tracy and jasmine from aladdin. nadya has some stiff competition

(She may have crabs and stink like fish, but with that body who cares? Giggity.)

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Marko effing Jaric??

VICTORIA'S SECRET SUPERMODEL ADRIANA LIMA MARRIES MARKO JARIC

Brazilian smokeshow and Victoria's Secret model Adriana Lima apparently eloped with her NBA-scrub boyfriend Marko Jaric. According to this article, Lima "tied the knot with her NBA star beau Marko Jaric on Valentine's Day."

First of all, if Marko Jaric is an NBA star, I am a goddamn astronaut. This season he is averaging exactly 1.9 more points per game than me, which isn't very many considering I don't even play in the fucking NBA. And not only does Jaric completely suck, he looks like the retarded muppet from Crank Yankers. If his eyes were any closer together he would be a cyclops.

The article also talks about how Lima is a well-known virgin, and was named the "World's Most Voluptuous Virgin" by GQ. No argument there.

VERDICT:
marko fucking jaric? this is retarded. yes, i'm jealous as fuck

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Planet of the apes

POLICE: PET CHIMPANZEE, TRAVIS, ATTACKS WOMAN IN STAMFORD

A former A-lister chimp known as Travis, who appeared in commercials for Old Navy and Coke as well as on the Maury Povich show (Note: what the fuck??), "mauled a friend of its owner." The owner was forced to chase Travis with a butcher knife, and when the cops showed up, "the chimp tore off the cruiser's side mirror and tried to open the door. Police then shot and killed him." Tried to open the door?? Are you fucking joking me?? Chimps can open car doors?

Aside from that, the article claims Travis liked to drink wine, water the plants, and watch baseball on TV. Seems like a pretty calm and simple life, until you remember THIS IS A FUCKING MONKEY!! Why would you give a chimp wine? And why would a chimp be watering plants? And how the shit did they know he liked watching baseball?

VERDICT:
no word on if travis preferred red or white wine. how do you say retarded in monkey?

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Exercise is for suckas

WIFE PLEADS GUILTY IN DEATH-BY-EXERCISE CASE

Pretty typical story. 73-year-old man marries 41-year-old transgender he-she. He-she forces 73-year-old man to swim laps until he has a heart attack and dies. The end.

VERDICT:
i can understand the case being made for inner beauty and beauty is in the eyes of the beholder and all that crap, but if you know someone as a man, and they have vajajay surgery to become a woman, how do you marry him/her/it? doesn't that make things a little weird? i say this guy had it coming

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WIFE PLEADS GUILTY IN DEATH-BY-EXERCISE CASE

Pretty typical story. 73-year-old man marries 41-year-old transgender he-she. He-she forces 73-year-old man to swim laps until he has a heart attack and dies. The end.

VERDICT:
i can understand the case being made for inner beauty and beauty is in the eyes of the beholder and all that crap, but if you know someone as a man, and they have vajajay surgery to become a woman, how do you marry him/her/it? doesn't that make things a little weird? i say this guy had it coming

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What the fuck is Dwyane Wade doing?

The 2003 NBA Draft was a big one. LeBron, Carmelo Anthony, Dwyane Wade, and Chris Bosh were all drafted within the first few picks, and today are superduperstars and Olympic heroes. However, recently Dwyane Wade is beginning to lose his fucking mind, as evidenced by his choice of apparel during the recent All-Star Weekend.

Now, I'm not claiming to be a fashion expert by any means, but seriously Dwyane, what the fuck man? I made a big choice a few years ago to buy your jersey instead of LeBron's, and you are really making me regret that decision.

Seriously dude, did you get those glasses at a Bar Mitzvah? And why the hell are you wearing a fucking bow tie? And what the fuck is with the eye patch thing?

VERDICT:
please dwyane. you are nasty, and you've already won a championship, so i totally understand if you just do whatever you want and don't care what people think, but for the love of god, you look like a fucking idiot

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Wow....just wow

BABY-FACED BOY ALFIE PATTEN IS FATHER AT 13

Look at this beautiful family portrait. The oldest sister and younger brother gently and lovingly cradling their beautiful new baby sister, as their proud parents happily watch from the side. Oh wait. Those are the parents? They had sex? And then actually had the baby?? Holy shit this is fucked.

Everything about this story is fucked. The dad, Alfie, looks like he's about 7, but is apparently 13. His girlfriend (jesus she is ugly) is 15. When asked by a reporter what he would do financially, the kid thoughtfully responded, "What's financially?" Holy shit.

Most boys at 13 are just starting to realize that it feels good when you rub your boner against your pillow. But this kid took it 1 step further, no actually about 10 steps further, and raw-dogged his hideous looking girlfriend and knocked her up. How many times has he even busted a nut before this? 10? 20? Rule of thumb is at least 100 before shootin' them down the fallopian tubes.

From the mother's perspective, she obviously realizes how fugly she is and figured this was probably her best chance at having a baby without turning into the crazy octuplet lady. Seriously, is clear a race? Because this girl is so pale I can see her thinking.

And recently this story got even more fucking retarded. A few days after the news of the birth came out, this story came out that 2 other dudes were claiming they could be the fathers, since they allegedly made sweet teeny bopper love to Casper the ghost, umm I mean Chantelle, the proud new mother.

Aside from that, when Alfie's father made public statements and accepted his "Worst Father EVER" Award, he was wearing a devil mask for some unexplained reason. (Seriously, a devil mask. Read the article.) The article also states that in Chantelle's house, where she will be staying, are "a total of six children plus the baby — also home to two dogs, a cat and budgerigars." Which naturally raises the question.....WHAT THE FUCK IS A BUDGERIGAR???

VERDICT:
everything about this is fucking retarded. i'm waiting to hear that this was fake and just a publicity stunt for condoms or something. 3:2 odds that Alfie's dad actually knocked up the girl and is passing the spotlight on to him to avoid jail time. that would at least explain the devil mask

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Nice bush

NAKED HIKERS FACE SPOT FINES

An area in Switzerland will be doling out $170 fines to naked hikers. Apparently naked hiking is all the rage in this area, especially with those crazy German tourists. (Is there a racist term for Germans not WWII/Holocaust-related?)

It should be noted that this region of Switzerland didn't let women vote until 1990, so they're either not the most liberal people, or they're just geniuses and know how to keep their hoes on a leash.

The article says, "Police succeeded in catching a naked hiker red-headed last September, and the 44-year-old Swiss man was charged with public nuisance." It just seems ironic to describe catching a naked guy "red-handed." Maybe ironic isn't the right word but whatever, you know what I mean.

VERDICT:
i think hiking would be the LAST thing I would want do completely naked, right ahead of riding a bike and climbing a tree. fucking eurotards

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botched (verb)- to ruin through clumsiness

DOCTOR INVESTIGATED IN BADLY BOTCHED ABORTION

(Relax, this is tomato sauce.)

Oh my god that headline is disgusting. This shamashmortion wasn't just botched, it was BADLY botched. Ugh. The rest of the story is even worse, so read it at your own risk.

VERDICT:
i just threw up in my mouth.

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She's so hot

STRIPPER SET ON FIRE IN TARZANA

(dramatization)

Some guy lit a stripper on fire. She must have been smokin' hot. Ba-Dum-CHH!

Thats all I got.This is kind of fucked up now that I think about it.

VERDICT:
why light a stripper on fire? shes willing to dance naked for a couple singles! just let it slide retard

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Poke me again....yeah just like that

TEEN ACCUSED OF SEX ASSAULTS IN FACEBOOK SCAM

WOW this story is fucked. Some kid in a high school in Milwaukee made a fake Facebook account, pretended to be a girl named Emily or Kayla, and got over 30 dudes from his school to send him naked pictures of themselves. He then blackmailed some of them into performing "sex acts."

What the fuck is going on here?? When did these other kids figure out it wasn't some hot chick named Kayla that wanted to blow them, but that weird, quiet kid from science class?

He's facing up to 300 years in prison, which by the sound of it, will be heaven for him. And why do they even say 300 years? If he really lives for over 300 years, is he going to be set free?

"Anthony Stancl, of New Berlin, was charged Wednesday with five counts of child enticement, two counts of second-degree sexual assault of a child, two counts of third-degree sexual assault, possession of child pornography, repeated sexual assault of the same child, and making a bomb threat."

I just think its funny they added the bomb threat to the end of that. What a 1-2 punch this kid is bringing to the table.

VERDICT:
this kid is 2 levels past retarded

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How do you say "balls" in Czech?

RIGHTS GROUP CALLS TO BAN CZECH CASTRATION LAW

Apparently in the Czech Republic, if you get convicted as a sex offender, you get castrated. Well now the Council of Europe's Anti-Torture Committee is condemning the Czech Republic, saying castration is "invasive, irreversible and mutilating."

Damn it takes some balls to defend sex offenders. Ba-dum-CHH!! Get it? Get it???

VERDICT:
i found that picture at RateMyCamelToe.com. nope i didn't know that existed either

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Aaaarrrgghhhh

SOMALI PIRATES MAKE OFF WITH $3.2 MILLION RANSOM

So apparently pirates from Somali have been cruising the oceans lately, which naturally begs the question....pirates? Really? Fucking pirates?

Apparently pirates have been running shit off the coast of Somalia since their civil war in the early 1990s, at least that is what Wikipedia says and who am I to not trust Wikipedia? Nobody thats who. Maybe I just haven't been paying attention but has anyone out there heard a thing about real pirates until the past few months? This is shocking to me. Fucking pirates?

These fuckers are holding people hostage, getting millions of dollars dropped to them from airplanes as ransoms, and according to this article, "they wed the most beautiful girls; they are building big houses; they have new cars; new guns." What the fuck!? Pirates are ballin! Where do you sign up for this shit? Forget this horseshit PR stunt, it sounds like being a Somalian pirate is the best job ever.

That article also said this: "Pirate spokesman Sugule Ali told the BBC Somali Service at the time: 'Everybody is happy. We were firing guns to celebrate Eid.'" I dont know what the hell Eid is, but how do you become a Pirate spokesman? Thats the sweetest job title I've ever heard.

VERDICT:
whats next? witches and vampires?

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Not what Craig had in mind

WOMAN GETS PRISON FOR CRAIGSLIST HITMAN SEARCH

Some lady posted an ad on Craigslist asking for people to kill her lover's wife. She got caught, and just got sentenced to 12 years in jail. This really pisses me off. If you can't find a good hitman on Craigslist, where else can you turn?

Apparently this lady contacted 3 different people to do the deed for her, and offered 5 G's to 2 of them. First of all, what happened to these 3 people that actually responded to the post? Did they get caught? And why only $5,000? I haven't paid to off anyone in a while, but I imagine a human life costs more than 5 grand. Is it because of the economy?

VERDICT:
so retarded. craigslist is for selling old furniture you've farted on one too many times. if you're looking for anything more you're going to be disappointed and end up in jail.

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772nd time is the charm

SKOREAN GRANNY FAILS DRIVING TEST 771 TIMES

I'll admit I've been known to make the occasional light-hearted racist joke. But I swear I'm not making this headline up. A 61-year old grandmother in South Korea - who the article describes as dogged - has taken and failed the driving test 771 times. Either the driving test in South Korea is the most complicated test known to man, or the stereotype about Asians being awful drivers has just been confirmed.

In two unrelated stories, a Mexican guy just mowed his 361st lawn and an Indian guy (dot, not feather/casino) just sold his 2,746th slurpee.

VERDICT:
i thought racism was over once barack was elected. damn you yahoo

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Scientific proof that the world IS going retarded

BABY CHIMPS GIVEN HUMAN LOVE ACE IQ TESTS

"Orphaned infant chimpanzees that received attentive, nurturing care from human surrogate mothers were found to be more intellectually advanced than the average human baby when both groups were compared at the age of nine months, according to a new study published in the latest issue of Developmental Psychobiology."

Human babies are stupider than chimp babies? We are FUCKED.

Now watch this video, and tell me that you're not absolutely horrified. Fast forward to 2 minutes to see chimps carrying sticks as weapons, rape a female chimp, and then eat one of their enemy's children. Good god.

Who wants to do the Drive-Thru Safari at 6 Flags this summer?

VERDICT:
this story is retarded, but not as retarded as your dumbfuck baby who is dumber than a monkey.

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"Is this gonna be forever"

This kid's dad posted this video of his son after he went to the dentist and was basically tripping balls from the nitrous oxide. I like to think this is what Michael Phelps is like when he ripped that bong.

"I feel like a slice of butter....melting on top of a....big ole' pile of flapjacks.. Yeah."

VERDICT:
retardedly funny. seriously i've watched this 10 times today and it gets better every time. even my mom laughed, and her favorite tv show is the weather channel

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