Planet of the apes

POLICE: PET CHIMPANZEE, TRAVIS, ATTACKS WOMAN IN STAMFORD

A former A-lister chimp known as Travis, who appeared in commercials for Old Navy and Coke as well as on the Maury Povich show (Note: what the fuck??), "mauled a friend of its owner." The owner was forced to chase Travis with a butcher knife, and when the cops showed up, "the chimp tore off the cruiser's side mirror and tried to open the door. Police then shot and killed him." Tried to open the door?? Are you fucking joking me?? Chimps can open car doors?

Aside from that, the article claims Travis liked to drink wine, water the plants, and watch baseball on TV. Seems like a pretty calm and simple life, until you remember THIS IS A FUCKING MONKEY!! Why would you give a chimp wine? And why would a chimp be watering plants? And how the shit did they know he liked watching baseball?

VERDICT:
no word on if travis preferred red or white wine. how do you say retarded in monkey?

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Scientific proof that the world IS going retarded

BABY CHIMPS GIVEN HUMAN LOVE ACE IQ TESTS

"Orphaned infant chimpanzees that received attentive, nurturing care from human surrogate mothers were found to be more intellectually advanced than the average human baby when both groups were compared at the age of nine months, according to a new study published in the latest issue of Developmental Psychobiology."

Human babies are stupider than chimp babies? We are FUCKED.

Now watch this video, and tell me that you're not absolutely horrified. Fast forward to 2 minutes to see chimps carrying sticks as weapons, rape a female chimp, and then eat one of their enemy's children. Good god.

Who wants to do the Drive-Thru Safari at 6 Flags this summer?

VERDICT:
this story is retarded, but not as retarded as your dumbfuck baby who is dumber than a monkey.

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