The World is Retarded: July 2009

Thursday, July 30, 2009

The coolest motherfucker around

Is this the coolest motherfucker around, or is this the coolest motherfucker around?

I would have to have borderline alcohol poisoning to dance like this in public. But that's why this kid is the coolest motherfucker around, and why I barely crack the top 10.

I don't mean to offend anyone when I say this, but is dancing cool as fuck just in black people's DNA? This kid is cutting up a rug like nobody's business and getting a shit-ton of pussy thrown at him, while the rest of us have to try to not end up like this kid.

VERDICT:
pretty good odds this kid helps eva angelina work her asshole out. now's also a good time to throw this video into the mix

-thanks to barstoolsports for the video

Porn star tweet of the day

VERDICT:
does anyone know what that workout entails? regardless, thank god for twitter

Monday, July 27, 2009

Another one bites the dust

SEA LION DIES OF SEX EXHAUSTION

MJ. Farah Fawcett. Ed McMahon. Billy Mays. Walter Kronkite. The Taco Bell Dog. It's been a rough summer, as we've lost one titan of industry after another over the past few weeks.

But now I regret to inform you that we've lost an international icon, one who proudly and feverishly spread his seed from the U.S. to Germany to Spain to Holland; a true international man of mystery. I am talking, of course, about the death of Mike, the sea lion who died from a rare condition known as 2MF - 2 Much Fuckin'.

Berlin - A male sea lion from California called Mike has died of exhaustion after over-exerting himself during the mating season in an animal park in Nuremberg, Germany, the city said on Tuesday.

The 19-year-old father of 12 offspring through three different females - Farah, Tiffy and Soda - showed signs of tiredness at around midday on Monday, the southern city said in a statement.

"Mike could no longer get out of the pool and was brought ashore by staff. The extremely weakened animal was treated by a vet but died from acute heart failure around 15:30 (1330 GMT)," it said.

"Mating season is a common time for fatalities when bulls often stop eating for days to devote themselves fully to mating. For sea lion bulls with a harem this is the most exhausting time," it noted.

The statement added that Mike's offspring can be found in zoos as far afield as Berlin, Spain and the Netherlands, and that the 285kg animal was so "good natured" that people could touch him.

So as the sun sets across the sky tonight from east to west; as the light gives way to darkeness and today fades into tonight, take a moment to stop what you're doing and pour some out for Mike.

He is a true inspiration to all of us who need to be reminded to "get busy living or get busy dying." And "living" to Mike meant not eating, not pooping, not even sleeping. Just straight beatin' on sea lion pussy until his fatass had to be dragged out of the pool. As a mentor and role model to slutty sea lions everywhere, Mike may be gone, but he will never be forgotten.

Your candle burned out long before,
Your legend ever did....

VERDICT:
farah, tiffy, and soda....do they name sea lions after strippers?

What the FUCK is this???

PIGLET WITH MONKEY'S FACE

I'll be honest. Sometimes a part of me feels just the smallest amount of guilt for calling so many people retards. But then I realize I've made $1.78 in just over a month from this site, so I'm clearly on to something big. Straight cash homey. In all seriousness though, retarded isn't a very complimentary term, and people who are actually retarded would probably take offense to it if they could figure out how to use a computer, let alone learn how to read.

But with this thing, I don't feel bad at all because I have NO clue what the fuck this thing is. A baby pig with a monkey face? Are you kidding me?? This thing is Grade-A 100% Black Belt 2 Thumbs Up fucking retarded.

VERDICT:
literally fucking retarded. does anyone else think it looks a little like billy bob thornton from sling blade?

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Question of the day

Online Surveys & Market Research

Price Is Right Weird Guy - The most amazing bloopers are here

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Official entry for retards of the year

SON 'IN PLOT TO KILL HIS PARENTS'

We may just have a winner for fucking retard of the year, because Christopher Monks from jolly old England is such a weirdo someone could tell me this story is either complete bullshit or 100% true and I wouldn't even be surprised either way. If I've learned anything from writing this blog, its that fucking retards are all over the place, and whether its giant potatoes that look like little Asian girls or being able to pay money to shoot grenades at Somalian pirates, nothing is really that surprising anymore.

Christopher Monks and his bi-sexual boyfriend, Shaun Skarnes, met each other on a "furries" website. For those of you who are fortunate enough to get off on regular stuff like vaginas and boobies and butts and weiners, "furries" are people who pretend to be animal characters and share sexual role-playing fantasies. Giggity.

While chatting it up online on this website, Skarnes agreed to murder Monks' parents one night while they were asleep. In exchange for doing his dirty work, Monks didn't want any money or his furry dry cleaning bill taken care of or anything. All he wanted was for Skarnes to fulfill his ultimate sexual fantasy of having his dick bitten off. Seriously. How could I even make that up? HE WANTED HIS DICK BITTEN OFF.

Unfortunately, while Skarnes went to kill his furry boy toy's parents, he woke them up, and the father wrestled with the weirdo while the mother called the cops. Epic fail.

Mr. Monks stated, "There is no-one in our closest circle of friends who is not shocked at what has happened."

Really Mr. Monks? You mean your son was caught hatching a plan to murder you and your wife with his bi-sexual furry boyfriend in exchange for having his dick bitten off to fulfill a sexual fantasy, and all of your friends are shocked by that? I guess they weren't very close friends.

VERDICT:
the article also stated that "mr. monks was left with bruised arms, a cut palm and bite marks." as if this couldn't get any weirder, there were bite marks? jesus these kids are fucking retarded

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Brick rhymes with dick, and thats the best I could come up with

BUSES EQUIPPED WITH BRICKS

A Chinese bus company is equipping its vehicles with bricks for passengers to use to break windows in an emergency.

The bricks, painted yellow with "emergency use" written on both sides, are stored under the driver's seat and under a rear seat.

"It's easy for passengers to spot them, and use them to break the window if something happened," said a spokesman for the Harbin Public Transport Company.

The company had stopped providing passengers with safety hammers to break windows as they were always being stolen.

"We don't think anybody will be interested in stealing bricks," the spokesman added.

First of all, shouldn't these Chinese people just be able to karate chop the windows out if need be? OK OK, just kidding.

In all seriousness though, that spokesman clearly doesn't understand Rule 1 of petty theft. Just because it doesn't make sense to steal, doesn't mean nobody will steal it. How else do you explain why I have 1 of these plus about 15 exit signs from college in my room? Because I was drunk and knew I probably wouldn't get caught. But also because I am a fucking badass and I do what I want, that's why.

VERDICT:
too bad rosa parks didn't have a brick at her disposal when those guys made her give up her seat. nothing says leave me alone, i've had a long day like a quick brick-smash to the face

Monday, July 20, 2009

Runnin' train on himself, on a train

SEX ACT AT WHEEL OF VIRGIN TRAIN

A train conductor was caught making his weiner sing while behind the controls of a train traveling over 125 mph. A colleague walked in on him mid-jerk while looking at porn. (Cue scene from Grandma's Boy: "I can't stop cumming!")

I guess this is the kind of think you've got to expect from a train line named after virgins. Good thing it wasn't the Gangbang Railroad Company. That could've been messy.

VERDICT:
have you ever driven a train 125 mph while rubbing one out? don't knock it till you rock it

Choo-chooooo

Ever wanted to see someone survive getting hit by a train? Watch below. Its pretty brutal.

VERDICT:
luckily he survived. phew

"Seriously though, lock your car in the future"

BURGLAR LEAVES NOTE

Matt Neary figured Fargo, North Dakota was a safe enough place to keep his car unlocked. Apparently he has never seen the movie Fargo, or else he would know that there is some fucked up shit that can happen even in the middle of bumblefuck North Dakota. Unfortunately for him, that fucked up shit was somebody breaking into his car and jacking his wallet, money, credit cards, and CD collection, but being kind enough to leave behind this note.

VERDICT:
was the fucking emoticon really necessary? talk about insult to injury

Monday, July 13, 2009

By golly gee willikers

WHY THE #$%! DO WE SWEAR? FOR PAIN RELIEF

A new study published in NeuroReport shows that cursing can help alleviate sudden pain. An old study published in my mind shows that cursing makes pretty much everything a little funnier.

VERDICT:
cuntfuckshitcockbitchanalkellyclarksondildo. rapefeltchdiketitswhoreballsslutdouchebag. cumdiarrheabonerfaggotpussypubesabortiontwat

But obama has such a nice ring to it

ZOO FORCED TO RENAME PRIMATE CALLED 'OBAMA'

A zoo in Germany named a baby monkey "Obama" in honor of a certain American president. His name is Barack Obama....some of you might have heard of him. Unfortunately, the Initiative for Black Germans called this racist and demanded the zoo change the primate's name.

Manuela Collmar, the zookeeper, explained that every year the zoo names newborn animals beginnning with the same letter. She had this to say in the zoo's defense:

“This year they all begin with ‘O,’ and one of the zookeepers chose ‘Obama’ – it was meant to be positive and an honour in light of his visit to Dresden in June,” Collmar said, adding that neither she nor her colleagues were aware of the history of using monkeys to caricature and ethnically stereotype black people.

You've got to give Manuela a break here. How could she be expected to know that monkeys are used to stereotype black people, especially when living in such an open-minded and sensitive country such as Germany? It's not like they have a history of intolerance or racism or anything.

VERDICT:
how many people could there possibly be in the initiative for black germans club? 30? 40 tops? i bet i had more people in my gym class in high school

He called the shit "poop"

CHILD 'EATS' DOG MESS IN SHOCK AD

Shocking posters apparently showing a child eating dog's mess are being credited with a big clean-ip on Torbay's streets.

Torbay Council launched the controversial campaign at the end of April.
Councillor Dave Butt, cabinet member for community services, said that dog mess had more than halved from about 400 incidents in April to 185 in June.
He also said there had been no complaints about the posters.
The campaign by Torbay Council featured a hard-hitting image appearing to show a young child eating dog faeces which they found in a playground.

At first I thought this poster was telling people it was a £75 fine if you got caught eating dog shit, though apparently I'm just an idiot. But in a world threatened by economic recession, terrorism, global warming, and nuclear war, its good to see the Torbay Council focus on the real issues at hand: stopping little kids from eating dog shit.

This actually makes a ton of sense when you remember that the children are our future. Would you rather it be a little warmer outside, or have our future grow up on a diet of dog shit? I rest my case.

VERDICT:
i'm going to take the high road and not make any jokes about children putting "anything" in their mouths. but i want to. instead, i'll just link back to this

No comment

Remember on the Fresh Prince, when Uncle Phil would mention how hungry he was or something, and Will wouldn't even make a fat joke because it was too easy? This is kind of the same thing.

VERDICT:
the potato obnoxiously giggles when you ask for more soy sauce

Drunk driver of the day

This kid is fucking HAMMERED. I'm not judging though. We've all been there.

This also seems like a good time to look back at this drug addict in training.

VERDICT:
nice pink jeep. fag

Friday, July 10, 2009

90's PSA Friday

I remember this one perfectly. To this day, if you ever ask me if I'm a chicken, I will immediately respond with, "I'm not a chicken. You're a turkey."

Good for Joey for standing up for himself....I guess. But why is that other kid offering weed to an 8-year old anyway? And why would that cunty little girl say to get a teacher? Nobody likes a snitch, cunty little girl. As Lil' Wayne said, "Ain't no snitches ridin' with us."

VERDICT:
kind of ironic that michelangelo says the kid should get a pizza after being offered some joints. and if you think i remembered that the orange ninja turtle was michelangelo, you're damn fucking right i did

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Oompa loompa doompadee doo

MAN FALLS TO DEATH INTO VAT OF CHOCOLATE

Some dude at a chocolate processing plant was hit with a mixing blade and fell into a vat of chocolate, where he died from an overdose of deliciousness. His name has not been released yet, but early reports confirm that he was NOT a fat kid named Augustus Gloop, and at this time the Oompa Loompas are not considered suspects.

In other news, a young woman at a nearby farm turned completely blue, expanded like a balloon, and then exploded when she ate a poisonous blueberry.

VERDICT:
does anyone else realize that all the kids except charlie in willy wonka die horribly painful and violent deaths??? kind of fucked up when you look back

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

The crop circle community has spoken

MAYAN 'APOCALYPSE' CROP CIRCLE APPEARS AT SILBURY HILL

The giant pattern - thought to represent a traditional Mayan head-dress - appeared next to the tallest prehistoric man-made mound in Europe last week.
Members of the crop circle community believe the mystic symbol is a signal of the end of the 5,126-year Mayan 'Long Count' calendar on December 21, 2012.
Karen Alexander, a crop circle enthusiast, said: "This is one of the most interesting crop circles I have ever seen. It is definitely a Mayan symbol and we are sure it is linked to the Mayan calendar, which ends in 2012.

"It appears to be a warning about the world coming to an end when the calendar does. For the ancient Maya, reaching the end of a cycle was a momentous event, so we are taking this crop circle very seriously as an indicator of a possibly huge event in 2012."

After much thought, I'm pretty sure there are 2 schools of thought regarding these crop circles. The first group, apparently known as the "crop circle community" is trying to be helpful and has finally decided to share the official date for the end of the world. I've been waiting for-fucking-ever to get confirmation on the date, and now I can finally go about planning my final days before microwaves and iPhones take over and kill everyone.

But then there's a second school of thought. This group primarily consists of people who aren't fucking nuts, and who know from watching the movie Signs that crop circles can only mean 1 thing. And that 1 thing is pussy aliens who can be beat up with a baseball bat swung by Joaquin Phoenix.

Note: I realize if you've never seen Signs, this probably doesn't make sense. But just trust me.

VERDICT:
i don't know how the shit that crop circle got there, but this is a great opportunity to watch this clip and then ask yourself, why the fuck did he say vamonos to the tv? also, party at my house on december 20, 2012. the end of the world is the next day, so don't worry about a ride home

The boy who cried wolf, and the girl who cried rape

WOMAN WHO CRIED RAPE AFTER DATE WITH MAN SHE MET IN INTERNET CHATROOM IS JAILED FOR A YEAR
First of all, is this the worst fucking news headline of all time? Leave something to the imagination, Daily Mail. Nobody is going to buy the cow if you can get the milk for free, I always say.

Anyway, Natalie Jefferson met Gary Wood online, and after meeting up for a drink 1 night, she suddenly left their date, claiming one of her kids had been taken to the hospital. When Gary called her later to check up on her, she told him she was raped by a stranger, which he didn't know was bullshit. What Gary also didn't know was that Ms. Jefferson had already called the police, claiming Gary Wood had been the one who raped her, which was even more bullshit.

Personally, I don't think Gary Wood had any business dating this bitch. Imagine going on a first date with someone, and not only do you find out that the chick has several kids, but then she tells you she was raped later that night? That is WAY too much baggage to deal with for just a first date. And maybe that makes me a bad person, but you can go enjoy going to Rape Anonymous meetings with someone you barely know. I'll be at home getting stoned and playing Guitar Hero. Winner, me.

VERDICT:
i'm sorry natalie jefferson, but you are a grade-A retarded cunt. someone needs to remind her of the boy who cried wolf. next time she actually does get raped, nobody is going to believe her. she dug her own grave

P.S. The picture of Megan Fox has NOTHING to do with this story. But go ahead and google "rape" and tell me which pictures you'd rather look at. You're welcome.

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