The other day I posted this link to the anti-boner. Well, this video is the anti anti-boner. Its a trailer for Jessica Biel's new movie Powder Blue, where she plays a stripper. Yep, you read that right. Jessica Biel learning how to strip and dance around in fuckme pants. Between this and porn star Sasha Grey in a legit movie, I like the direction Hollywood is headed.
VERDICT:
i think i speak for everyone when i say gi-gg-ity
I think there's a wet t-shirt joke here somewhere, but all I can think about is 4/20 tomorrow, so excuse me if I'm a bit distracted.
It is a bittersweet moment here on Webcam Friday. For starters, this will be the last Webcam Friday....ever. I know, I know. You think your Friday's just won't be the same without a regularly scheduled 3-4 minute video of some fucktard singing and flopping around to some queer song.
But you are wrong. Because this man who's videos you are about to see, is the be all end all of musical webcam sensations. I refuse to believe I can find anybody or anything better than this guy on a weekly basis, so I am announcing the retirement of Webcam Friday while we are still at the top of our game. Think of this like when Michael Jordan retired early, but I promise Webcam Friday won't make a pathetic return bid with Washington and miss a dunk in his last All-Star game.
It is my honor to introduce to you Mr. Gerry Phillips, who claims to have been honing his art for the last 39 years, and is something you need to see to believe (and if you can see it stoned, even better).
My biggest problem with this was picking which video to select, since Gerry has over 100 videos of his musical stylings. Seriously, this was such a tough decision. Its like when I first discovered youporn, and my brain almost exploded because I had an infinite amount of material to work with and didn't know where to start. I imagine this is the same overwhelming feeling that Dewey Decimal felt before creating his library system. With that said, here are 2 videos. Some Journey to appease the masses, and some Stevie Wonder because, well, I freaking love that song.
VERDICT:
if gerry can get millions of people to view his videos, and do his thang on jimmy kimmel live, well, if you still think the world isn't retarded after that, i don't know what to tell you
At 4:30 today, a show called Fresh Cutz with LBJ aired on NBA TV. Comcast's description of this show was, "Following LeBron James as he gets a haircut." And yes, that was Cutz with a Z.
VERDICT:
as a friend of mine who was watching said, "too much basketball, not enough hair cutting"
Do you know someone who rips stinky farts on the reg? Here is the perfect gift for them, and its only $9.95 for a 5-pack. If you've ever practically tasted a fart because it smelled so bad, you know this is a bargain.
For the record, I know the video is 1:31, and personally my attention span for a youtube video is only about a minute, but just watch it until the end when the bald guy sharts himself. Sharts hard. I just feel like this is the kind of thing where you'll want to know what people are talking about when it comes up. And it WILL come up.
VERDICT:
either so fucking retarded or absolute genius. i have no idea
After minutes and minutes of searching high and low for a great video, I found this dancing uni-brow. Listen bud, just because you call it a "parody" doesn't mask the fact that you recorded yourself dancing to the Spice Girls and posted in on the internet for the ENTIRE WORLD to see. I guess you have to pass the time some how when you're not meeting up with 12-year olds from Myspace.
VERDICT:
an oldie but a goodie. this is probably a good time to update the jerk file
Some dick tortured a cat named Possum with an air rifle by shooting it 27 times in the neck and the head. Now, I've lived with cats before, and sure they kill mice and its fun to fuck with them by shining a laser pointer on the wall, but bottom line is that cats are weird as shit. And anybody who owns more than 1 cat is just as weird as their little shitrats.
All cats do is shit, eat, sleep, stare out the window, and if they have owners that smoke weed, they get high. Maybe I'm just jealous of that incredible lifestyle, but cats suck. They puke all over your stuff, scratch you for no fucking reason, run up and down the hallways at night like a fucking mental patient on crack, and will conveniently come sit in your lap right after they drop a deuce and have little kitty-dingleberries caught under their tail. Cats can all go fuck themselves for all I care. Even you, cute little cartoon cat from Shrek. Fuck you.
With that said, I would never shoot a cat 27 times in the neck and face. Mostly because I'd be horrified the thing would turn back into a witch and cast a spell on me or something.
For the record, the cat survived, and makes 50 Cent look like a pussy for only getting shot 9 times. Just kidding Fiddy. Anyone who made the bullet proof vest fashionable is badass enough for me.
VERDICT:
the cat is probably most traumatized from being named "possum"
In Brussels, 756 people set a world record by waiting in line to use a single toilet. The record was set in some kind of effort to raise awareness for clean water on World Water Day, whatever the hell that is.
In other news, another world record was set when 756 people in Brussels all did the pee-pee dance at the same time.
VERDICT:
how the shit do you even organize something like this?
For some reason, Jordan Witham not only let it be known that he fucks his car, but he let himself be interviewed about it. And when I say he fucks his car, I don't mean he bangs chicks IN his car, or that he's a bad driver and fucks UP his car. By fucks his car, I mean that he has penis to tail pipe intercourse. Yep. You just read that in a sentence.
And his Dad knows about it. And he named his car Ingo. Now enjoy the highlights.
-“I don’t fancy people. It’s cars that do it for me – I don’t want to marry or have kids.”
-“I could feel myself falling in love while I worked on Ingo. I once became so aroused, I started rubbing her bodywork and masturbating. It didn’t feel strange, just really exciting. After a few minutes, I felt a desire to connect with her further, so I had penetrative sex with the exhaust pipe.” (Note: WHOA!!)
-“I don’t always have sex with the car. Sometimes I stroke and kiss her bodywork, or rub myself up against her. If I’ve just been driving her, I have to wait for the exhaust pipe to cool down before I have sex. And I always use a condom because of all the dirt and dust inside.”
-Jordan, who also masturbates while reading car magazines, has spent over £2,500 refurbishing Ingo.
-Now he has spent a further £200 on a “boy” car, a Trans Am he calls Todd, and is experimenting with a “gay” relationship. Jordan says: “He’s very masculine. When I first bought him, I felt like I was cheating on Ingo, but now we all work well together." (Note: Uhhh.....what?)
-“I have sex with Ingo more than Todd because Todd is kept in the driveway, not in the garage. I have to sneak outside in the middle of the night to have sex with him.”
VERDICT:
ingo?!?
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