No use crying over spilled milk....but beer is a different story

If this isn't one of the saddest fucking things you've ever seen......well, then I respect you because you must have seen some fucked up shit in your day.

VERDICT:
a goddamn shame

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Worst wedding ever

KORDEZA ZHELYAZKOVA, 11, GIVES BIRTH ON WEDDING DAY

Kordeza Zhelyazkova was still wearing her wedding dress and tiara when she arrived at hospital and gave birth to little Violeta.

The schoolgirl, of Sliven, Bulgaria, fell pregnant within just two weeks of her 11th birthday.

She gave birth last week with 19-year-old husband Jeliazko Dimitrov at her side.

"I'm not going to play with toys any more - I have a new toy now," Kordeza told Britain's News of the World newspaper. "She is so beautiful, I love her. Violeta is the child and I must grow up. I am not going back to school - I am a mother now."

Kordeza met Jeliazko in the playground of her gypsy school when he rescued her from bullies.

Whoa whoa whoa hold the phones for a second. I don't know how many of you people have ever spent time on a playground at a gypsy school, but let me be the first to tell you, that shit is hardcore. The bullies are ruthless. Shit's legit. Its dog eat dog out there. Makes Bloods vs. Crypts look like Bert and Ernie. So if you rescue a girl from bullies on the playground of her gypsy school, you're a real life American hero. Or Bulgarian hero, whatever. Either way, you'd be raw dogging it within a week too, just like Jeliazko. This damsel in distress getting knocked up is actually the least surprising thing I've heard all day.

Plus, who am I to judge this chick for getting preggers AND married before her 12th birthday? First of all I dunno how they do things over in Bulgaria, but maybe that's the norm over there. And secondly, I was getting HJ's on the reg when I was like 12, so married and pregnant by 11 isn't that much of a stretch. And like they say, those who live in glass houses....

VERDICT:
for the record, jeliazko is still facing jail time for having sex with a minor. but he should be getting a purple fucking heart for his bravery out on the gypsy schoolyard

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Retarded weapon of the year

JUDGE: MAN WHO BIT NEIGHBOR DURING CLINTON TOWNSHIP SCUFFLE USED HIV AS A WEAPON

Clinton Township's Daniel Allen could face up to 15 years in prison after a judge today ordered him to stand trial on allegations he bit his neighbor on the face and used the HIV virus as a weapon. Allen, 44,told reporters last week that he is HIV positive and admitted to biting his neighbor, Winfred Fernandis Jr., after neighborhood kids tossed a football into his yard.

Are you fucking joking me Daniel Allen? HIV as a weapon is worse than the goddamn golden gun!! And that thing was the TITS. Just 1 shot to any part of the body and bam you're done. Grazed toe? Dead. Whizzed past your ear? Dead. Definitely not as badass as the RC-P90, but a billion times more effective.

Anyway, I would rather get fucking curb stomped than get infected with HIV in a fight. I know Magic Johnson has lived forever with that shit, but the dude's name is Magic, what the hell do you expect?

VERDICT:
after some deliberation, the ruling is in. and in a unanimous decision, using HIV as a weapon is super fucking retarded. and i am HIV-positive about that

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Call a carpenter, because this kid is cutting up the dance floor

Hot damn does this kid have some moves or does this kid have some moves?! And his old man is loving it!! At first the guy on stilts must have been pissed when he had his spotlight stolen, but the beat started thumping and the bitches started dripping and everyone's foot got a-tapping and it was pretty clear who the better performer on this day was. The people spoke and you can be damn sure they got what they wanted. Its the Code of the Streets. And the boardwalk. Not even a dude on stilts can argue with that.

Besides, he asked for it when he started tossing young MJ around. Nothing says dance-off like being swung between a creepy dude's legs.

VERDICT:
if the world is retarded doesn't work out, at least there's always dancing on stilts at the boardwalk

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DVR this

Call me crazy, but I just don't get it. Is this still the effects of dropping nuclear bombs on Japan? I mean, I understand the concept of lost in translation or whatever, but this level of confusion transcends culture and language. This only makes sense if your grandparents had their brains melted by the Enola Gay, right? Or is this the same feeling Japanese people get when they see clips of Dog the Bounty Hunter or Hell's Kitchen or something? This is going to bother me all fucking weekend.

VERDICT:
i have nothing more to add without being extremely racist

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Douchebags of the day

BROTHERS SENTENCED FOR ATTACKING AND URINATING ON THEIR GRANDMOTHER

Video Courtesy of KSL.com

Well that headline just about says it all. My only question is, how do 2 dudes go to jail for 1 year for punching and pissing on their own freaking grandmother, but Plaxico Burress goes to jail for 2 years for shooting HIMSELF IN HIS OWN leg? Who would you rather be locked away and kept away from you?

VERDICT:
grandma still loves them.

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Ah ha, hush that fuss, everybody move to the back of the bus

Jiminy freaking Christmas!! Imagine getting on the bus for work in the morning, minding your own business reading The World is Retarded on your iPhone, when all of a sudden this shit goes down? Freaking terrifying, not to mention a HUGE upset in the women's division of Race Wars: Black vs. Chinese. Black lady was probably a 4:1 favorite at least, but Chinese lady came roaring at her like Buster Douglas against Mike Tyson. Bitch was NOT fucking around. If she had turned into one of those Chinese New Year's dragons and just ate the black lady in 1 bite, I wouldn't have been the least bit surprised.

Imagine if Rosa Parks pulled this shit? Obama would've been president 30 fucking years ago!!

VERDICT:
i'm not going to call this retarded, because i am genuinely terrified of that Chinese lady hunting me down

P.S. I love how the lady who breaks up the fight pulls the immature card at 1:42. Like these 2 dainty ladies are going to suddenly shake it off and realize how immature they're acting.

P.P.S. Is there anything more chaotic than a bunch of Chinese people screaming at each other?

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You can't make a hoe a housewife

THE WOMAN WHO CAN'T STOP ORGASMINGGUARANTEE: This is a good one.

I had my first orgasm at the age of 17. I was sitting at my desk at school when all of a sudden, I felt a warm, pulsing feeling in my genital area. My vagina flared up and I couldn't think straight. It was like someone had squeegeed my thoughts away. I was like, whoa, what's that? It felt really erotic and good, but I was also freaked out, scared, and confused. After that, it started happening a few times a day. I searched online for spontaneous orgasms, but all I found was weird porn.

It kept getting worse. During my second semester of senior year, I counted orgasms on a sheet of paper. I was having 100 and 200 a day. I ran to hide in the bathroom between classes to relieve the pressure.

By the time I started college, the orgasms became even more intense and disruptive, and I was having trouble concentrating. I became really depressed. I didn't know what was wrong with me, and I wasn't getting any better. I cried a lot. I hid in the bathroom. I became violently protective of my privacy. In the beginning, I told everyone I trusted about my condition. People said things like: "You're so lucky!" and "Dude, I'd love to date you." They didn't understand why I wanted it to go away, and labeled me a drama queen. The school psychiatrist thought I was crazy. After my sophomore year, I bought a bunch of vibrators and took medical leave.

One day in 2003, a friend sent me an article in the Boston Globe about a newly discovered condition called Persistent Sexual Arousal Syndrome*. When I read it, I started crying hysterically — it described exactly what I was going through. I immediately made an appointment at the institute the article linked to, and after hours of tests, I was diagnosed with PSAS. My engorged genitalia and hypersensitivity made me a textbook case. Every other doctor had thought I was just a delusional hypochondriac.

So this chick thinks she has Persistent Sexual Arousal Disorder? I don't know what quacks she went to that told her that, but this is the easiest fucking diagnosis in the history of medicine. This is like the first lesson on Day 1 of med. school. Hmmm your pussy drips like a New Orleans basement and you cum 200 times a day? Wammo! You're a horny slut. Luckily for you it is treatable with a daily dose of dick, dick, and some more dick. Instead of making up some bullshit about an Arousal Disorder, the doctors should've told her to embrace her magical pussy and start her own website or something. Problem solved.

This slut goes on to say:

PSAS feels like having a second heartbeat. No, it's more than that. It's alive — it has its own life force, a mind of its own. I often wonder if this is how teenage boys feel about their erections.

Funny you should ask, because that's exactly how teenage boys feel about their erections. Teenage boys and every other member of the male species between the ages of 11 and dead. And we all know that a random boner is like a scab. If you pick at it, it will only get worse. If you leave it alone, it will eventually go away.

Back in the day I used to get boners on the school bus every goddamn morning. And you know why? Me neither. No clue. There was no fucking rhyme or reason to it. But I didn't cry about it or hide in the bathroom or buy a bunch of dildos and go on medical leave. I tucked that young whippersnapper up into my waistband and rattled off as many state capitals in my head as possible. Done and done.

VERDICT:
this is the prime difference between chicks and guys. if a chick tallies up her 200 orgasms a day on a piece of paper, she's a fucking legend. if a guy tallies up all his orgasms a day, he's just a retarded creep with a sticky piece of paper

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Harmonica blues

B.A. MAN CHARGED IN REPORTED HARMONICA ATTACK

According to Decai Liu’s arrest report, his roommate was in the bathroom getting ready for work when Liu burst in and started beating him with the instrument.

Liu, 52, was charged Thursday with assault with a dangerous weapon in the attack last Saturday in the 4500 block of West Norman Street in Broken Arrow, court records show.

.... Liu’s roommate told police that “I don’t know what his problem was,” the report indicates.

First of all, since when does a fucking harmonica qualify as a dangerous weapon? Have you ever seen ANYBODY playing a harmonica and thought, "Oh shit, this guy and his harmonica look like trouble." No fucking way. The harmonica is probably the 3rd pussiest instrument to play after the accordion and the harp, and both could do more damage than a little harmonica. Unless your name is John Popper. Because that guy could make a harmonica fucking ROCK.

Secondly, how does the roommate say he had no idea what Liu's problem was? Your roommate beat you up with a fucking harmonica dude!! You must have not refilled the Brita or left your poop in the toilet or done something to deserve it. Because I refuse to believe we live in a society where unprovoked harmonica attacks can happen to everyday people like you and me. That's not the America I signed up for.

VERDICT:
this raises the age-old question of who is nerdier: the guy who beats someone up with a harmonica? or the nerd who gets his ass beat with a harmonica? its like the chicken or the egg of the new millennium

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