Girl's sports at its best

What the FUCK are these parents laughing and high-fiving about? I don't care if you're the ugliest motherfucker on the planet or an adorable little girl. As Herm Edwards said, "You. Play. To. Win. The. Game." If I'm coaching this team I would throw her ass on the bench so fast it would make her head spin. Nobody plays indoor soccer to have a good time. At the end of the day the score and the W are the only things that matter. And I'm pretty sure kicking the ball like a fucking spaz and making a half-ass attempt to save it as it rolls into your own net was not in the game plan.

VERDICT:
seriously retarded. she'll probably be in the WNBA

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Right in the babymaker

MINNESOTA MAN GETS LIFE IN PUNCHING DEATH OF FETUS

"I'm gonna punch you in the ovary, that's what I'm gonna do. A straight shot. Right to the babymaker."

Dameon Gatson paid his friend $40 to punch his girlfriend in her stomach when she was 6-months pregnant. Surprise surprise the baby was born premature and died a few days later. Now Gatson is going to jail for life with no parole. Damn homie.

Now I could sit here and make some horribly offensive homemade smashmortion jokes. Like instead of a punch he could've just pushed her down the fire escape. Or scooped her stomach like a jack-o-lantern. But I'm going to take the high road here. Because as the days fade to months and the months give way to the changing of each season, I find myself more mature and sensitive to the feelings of others. And because I also want to know what the hell happened to the kid who actually punched this chick?

If you ask me, the kid who punches a fetus in the fucking face for $40 is way crazier and more dangerous than the asshole who actually pays the $40. Am I wrong here? Now I'm in no way, shape, or form a wealthy individual, but I would need a helluva lot more money than 40 bucks to punch a pregnant girl in the stomach. Don't even approach me unless you're prepared to start the bidding at $100.

VERDICT:
i wouldn't really punch a pregnant chick for $100. i'd need at least a buck-fiddy

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We have a new Nobel Peace Prize winner

TAIWANESE ONLINE HUNK LURES 20 WOMEN INTO HIS BED

A Taiwanese man has been cuffed for allegedly posing online as a "youthful male model" and persuading up to 20 females to have sex with his father, the China Daily reports.

Hsu Shian-ming's internet pitch got a lively response from women "interested in romantic liaisons". The 55-year-old scammer convinced his victims that his old man was suffering from prostate cancer - a condition which meant he needed constant sex to stay alive.

The angels of mercy obliged, administering life-saving treatment to dad in various Taipei hotels. Pop's cancer was evidently serious, because the women were "persuaded into unconventional sex acts varying from putting foreign objects in their private parts, anal sex, or threesomes", the China Daily indelicately puts it.

The wheels came off the audacious ruse after one of the women failed in her attempts to meet the son.

She called in private investigators who revealed that father and son were one and the same person. Police arrested Hsu on Saturday, and a subsequent search of his house revealed "dozens" of photos of the handsome young man used as bait.

They also found "hundreds of female pictures each with detailed descriptions on the back". During his medical treatment, Hsu had photographed his victims nude, then used the snaps to "threaten them into doing future sex favours".

Hsu allegedly also relieved his targets of cash and goods to the value of 200m Taiwan New Dollars (£3,725,000).

The worst hit was "a cougar surnamed Yu", who handed over gifts including seven iPhones, a £1,862 monthly allowance, diamond and pearl necklaces, a Porsche, and a "limited-edition watch valued at a staggering £145,000".

Hsu, described by police as a "divorced bald man" and "physically unattractive", faces five years in jail on each of multiple fraud raps.

This guy is a goddamn genius. Why in the world would someone get in trouble for this? Did they arrest Mozart when he wrote a symphony? Or God when he invented the remote control? So what makes Hsu Shian-ming any different? This guy is bald and ugly as shit and Asian to boot, but he's out there giving 110%, having anal Asian 3somes like you fucking read about and raking in Porsches and iPhones like they're going out of style. If he's OK with lying about prostate cancer than who I am to argue? The ends justify the shit out of the means.

VERDICT:
NOT retarded. seriously, this guy is a fucking genius

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Very risky business

What do you think? Just a bump on the head? Legit concussion? I say concussion at least. Her brain could've exploded for all I know.

And how about little Florence Nightingale over here? Your BFF's skull just imploded and you tell her to lay on top of a towel? Fucking brilliant.

VERDICT:
i never went from boner to laughter so fast in my entire life. wait what?

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Mother Russia

RUSSIAN CANNIBAL WHO ATE HIS MOTHER GIVEN LIGHTER SENTENCE BY JUDGE WHO SAYS 'HE WAS STARVING, HE NEEDED TO EAT'

A cannibal who killed and ate parts of his mother had his sentence reduced by a judge who said 'he needed to eat'.

Sergey Gavrilov secured reduced time in jail after confessing: 'I did not like the meat very much. It was too fatty. But I was so hungry, I had to eat it.'

The 27-year-old was given a lenient prison sentence because the judge said he was starving and needed to eat after spending all his money on vodka and gambling machines.

The Russian man hit his mother Lyubov, 55, over the head with a brick and then strangled her with an electric cable following a row over her refusal to give him her pension money to spend on alcohol.

A court heard how he put her body on the balcony of the family flat near Samara, in southern Russia, and took her allowance before going on a two day drinking and gambling binge. Returning to the flat, he soon ran out of food and started slicing meat from his mother's body. 'She was frozen, like meat in the freezer,' he told police.

He cooked soup and pasta with meat from his mother's body over a period of more than a month, he said.

The Russian criminal code dictates 15 years in jail for his crimes but the judge said he was reducing it slightly because Gavrilov - who previously served time in jail for robbery - pleaded guilty and 'he was not keen to eat the meat, he just was hungry'.

Gavrilov was jailed for 14 years and three months. Psychiatric tests found the man was 'normal' mentally and fully aware of what he was doing.

He was caught when a policeman came to his flat, suspecting him of stealing a mobile phone. The officer found the dead woman - with both her legs missing - on the balcony.

First of all I'm sorry for making this so long, but which part of this story was I supposed to overlook? This is so crazy it might not even be real. Or it might be. I have no clue. And where am I supposed to begin with this? Its like the freaking Holy Grail of retarded news stories.

First things first. Let this be a lesson to all the mothers out there who act all high and mighty with their pension money. I know whenever my mom plays hard to get with her pension money I threaten the old brick-to-the-head manuever too, and that cash is in my hand faster than you can say Stolichnaya. So clearly the mother is partly to blame here. I mean, your kid is 27, if he wants to go on a vodka and gambling binge that's his own damn business. Those gambling machines aren't going to pay for themselves.

But as for eating her, well, I mean come on Sergey. You know when Austin Powers gets a shoe thrown at him, and he's like "Who throws a shoe? I mean honestly." Well who the hell makes soup and pasta out of their mom's legs? I mean honestly. I guess if you're going to eat your mom you might as well go all the way and marinate that shit and let it stew and simmer for a while. But I didn't even know people still ate other people anymore, let alone prepared entire meals out of them like they were working at a bizarro Olive Garden. And then to tell the whole court room his mom was too fatty? Talk about adding insult to injury. Listen Sergey, its tough to keep that extra weight off at your mother's age. You don't need to rub it in.

And where was this judge when I had to go to court for being a drunk asshole back in college? Instead of probation, a fine, and a shitload of community service (AKA playing indoor soccer with little black kids), this guy would've just said "he was drunk, trying to get laid" and handed me a key to the fucking city. Goddamn Ruski's know whats up.

But maybe my favorite part of this story was that "psychiatric tests found the man was 'normal' mentally and fully aware of what he was doing." Ummm doesn't being aware that you're cooking your own mom automatically make you NOT normal? I'm pretty sure that on the first day of psychiatry school, they take attendance, hand out the syllabus, review the bathroom and gum policies, and then go right into Chapter 1, which says that if a person eats another person, than they are fucking crazy. Class dismissed, hope you had a good first day.

VERDICT:
if there's a lesson to take away from all of this, its obviously don't steal mobile phones

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New Zealand = the Canada of Australia

DEAD RABBIT THROWING CONTEST BANNED

A contest that involves children seeing how far they can throw dead rabbits has been banned in New Zealand following outcry from animal welfare campaigners.

The annual 'rabbit throw' in the South Island town of Waiau has been a tradition for years but officials have had to cancel the event following complaints from the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals (SPCA).

An animal cruelty inspector with the charity, Charles Cadwallader, said: "Do you throw your dead grandmother around for a joke at her funeral?"

First of all, I can't believe this legendary tradition has been going on this long without people like the SPCA freaking out any earlier. Considering we live in a world where dodgeball is illegal in most states, this just seems like one of those things that should've gotten banned a long time ago.

Second of all, ummmm no Charles Cadwallader I don't throw my dead grandmother around for a joke at her funeral. And might I add thats a truly terrible analogy. Maybe if these rabbits made some banging matzoh ball soup or sent me a check for a couple hundo every year for my birthday, they wouldn't be getting tossed around either. You scratch my back, I'll scratch yours, ya know?

VERDICT:
seriously, what a fucking retarded analogy. only in new zealand....

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Who punches a baby?

MUGGERS ATTACK TWO-YEAR OLD GIRL

(Who punches a baby? Apparently these bitches do.)

A two-year-old girl was punched in the head by two teenage girls during an attempted robbery in north-west London.

The girl was with her mother when the pair were targeted by two female suspects in Preston Road, Wembley, at about 1645 GMT on Tuesday.

They demanded money from the mother, aged 23, before punching her in the arm and attacking her daughter.

The way I see it, there's 2 types of British people in this world. The first is the faggy Eurotrash type that I'm pretty sure invented techno and being hipsters. The second is the type from Green Street Hooligans, the crazy motherfuckers who say cunt like its nothing and will brawl and kill in the streets just because their soccer team lost. Frankly, this second type scares the shit out of me. So even though Brits can be fruity little Eurotrash, I'm going to assume this 2-year old who got attacked is of the Green Street hooligan crowd and knows how to take a punch to the dome. As for the mother, well, I'll be the first to admit that I'm no tough guy, but its going to take a lot more than a dead arm and messing with my hooligan baby to mug me. So teenage girls be warned.

VERDICT:
seriously, who punches a fucking baby??

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BREAKING NEWS!!!

RUDOLPH THE RED NOSED REINDEER IS A FEMALE

Edinburgh University professors Gerald Lincoln and David Baird say Rudolph cannot be a male because female reindeer still have antlers at Christmas. Males shed theirs before mid-December.

Prof Lincoln said: "Rudolph classically is this red-nosed reindeer who is around at Christmas. We picture him in the snow with his antlers, but if you know anything about nature you discover that things are not quite so straightforward.

Male reindeer actually cast their antlers before Christmas, so they don't have any antlers at Christmastime.

...So you can't picture Rudolph as a big red-nosed macho male because he has cast his antlers already and can't arrive on your doorstep with his antlers on, looking handsome."

Looking handsome? Give me a fucking break professor. Shit like this is why Obama won a Nobel Peace Prize before doing jackshit. Because instead of curing cancer or saving the environment or inventing X-Ray vision or something, scientists like Gerald Lincoln and David Baird are researching the gender of imaginary fucking animals that fly around the whole world in under 24 hours. The. World. Is. Retarded.

VERDICT:
any bets that the professors are still virgins?

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Not dressed for success

MAN SAYS UNITED DENIED HIM FIRST CLASS SEAT DUE TO TRACK SUIT

A corporate executive with electronic retail giant Best Buy says a United Airlines gate agent denied him a seat in the first class cabin because he was wearing a track suit.

...Alvarez said the gate agent called his name and when he walked up to the counter for his upgrade, the agent said he was dressed too casually for first class.

"I was humiliated and embarrassed," Alvarez said.

Oh sorry, I didn't know when I went to the airport I had to get through security PLUS the fucking fashion police. Flying sucks dick as it is, and comfortable clothes are the key to not having to adjust your balls every 10 minutes for the next 4 hours. Your nuts and the fat bastard next to you will be thankful for it. Plus this guy is wearing Puma, which I'm pretty sure is the fucking Armani of track suits.

And how about goddamn United Airlines pulling this holier than thou shit? Really grinds my gears. If I were them, I'd spend a little less time worrying about what outfits people are wearing and a little more time on what to do about the man, the myth, the legend: Jet Blue. Because make no mistake about it, Jet Blue is freaking awesome. Get stoned, board your plane, eat a warm cookie, relax in your big leather chair, and watch some live TV. LIVE FUCKING TV!! Its air travel the way God intended it. And I'm sorry other airlines, but why you think an entire plane full of people would want to watch Miss Congeniality 2 or an edited version of fucking Van Helsing is beyond me. I'm just trying to hold my poop in until we land, and the least you could do is show me a movie that you didn't find on a cardboard shelf at 7-11.

VERDICT:
on the other hand, if you're flying first class, step up your game bro

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No use crying over spilled milk....but beer is a different story

If this isn't one of the saddest fucking things you've ever seen......well, then I respect you because you must have seen some fucked up shit in your day.

VERDICT:
a goddamn shame

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Worst wedding ever

KORDEZA ZHELYAZKOVA, 11, GIVES BIRTH ON WEDDING DAY

Kordeza Zhelyazkova was still wearing her wedding dress and tiara when she arrived at hospital and gave birth to little Violeta.

The schoolgirl, of Sliven, Bulgaria, fell pregnant within just two weeks of her 11th birthday.

She gave birth last week with 19-year-old husband Jeliazko Dimitrov at her side.

"I'm not going to play with toys any more - I have a new toy now," Kordeza told Britain's News of the World newspaper. "She is so beautiful, I love her. Violeta is the child and I must grow up. I am not going back to school - I am a mother now."

Kordeza met Jeliazko in the playground of her gypsy school when he rescued her from bullies.

Whoa whoa whoa hold the phones for a second. I don't know how many of you people have ever spent time on a playground at a gypsy school, but let me be the first to tell you, that shit is hardcore. The bullies are ruthless. Shit's legit. Its dog eat dog out there. Makes Bloods vs. Crypts look like Bert and Ernie. So if you rescue a girl from bullies on the playground of her gypsy school, you're a real life American hero. Or Bulgarian hero, whatever. Either way, you'd be raw dogging it within a week too, just like Jeliazko. This damsel in distress getting knocked up is actually the least surprising thing I've heard all day.

Plus, who am I to judge this chick for getting preggers AND married before her 12th birthday? First of all I dunno how they do things over in Bulgaria, but maybe that's the norm over there. And secondly, I was getting HJ's on the reg when I was like 12, so married and pregnant by 11 isn't that much of a stretch. And like they say, those who live in glass houses....

VERDICT:
for the record, jeliazko is still facing jail time for having sex with a minor. but he should be getting a purple fucking heart for his bravery out on the gypsy schoolyard

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Retarded weapon of the year

JUDGE: MAN WHO BIT NEIGHBOR DURING CLINTON TOWNSHIP SCUFFLE USED HIV AS A WEAPON

Clinton Township's Daniel Allen could face up to 15 years in prison after a judge today ordered him to stand trial on allegations he bit his neighbor on the face and used the HIV virus as a weapon. Allen, 44,told reporters last week that he is HIV positive and admitted to biting his neighbor, Winfred Fernandis Jr., after neighborhood kids tossed a football into his yard.

Are you fucking joking me Daniel Allen? HIV as a weapon is worse than the goddamn golden gun!! And that thing was the TITS. Just 1 shot to any part of the body and bam you're done. Grazed toe? Dead. Whizzed past your ear? Dead. Definitely not as badass as the RC-P90, but a billion times more effective.

Anyway, I would rather get fucking curb stomped than get infected with HIV in a fight. I know Magic Johnson has lived forever with that shit, but the dude's name is Magic, what the hell do you expect?

VERDICT:
after some deliberation, the ruling is in. and in a unanimous decision, using HIV as a weapon is super fucking retarded. and i am HIV-positive about that

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