After minutes and minutes of searching high and low for a great video, I found this dancing uni-brow. Listen bud, just because you call it a "parody" doesn't mask the fact that you recorded yourself dancing to the Spice Girls and posted in on the internet for the ENTIRE WORLD to see. I guess you have to pass the time some how when you're not meeting up with 12-year olds from Myspace.
VERDICT:
an oldie but a goodie. this is probably a good time to update the jerk file
Some dick tortured a cat named Possum with an air rifle by shooting it 27 times in the neck and the head. Now, I've lived with cats before, and sure they kill mice and its fun to fuck with them by shining a laser pointer on the wall, but bottom line is that cats are weird as shit. And anybody who owns more than 1 cat is just as weird as their little shitrats.
All cats do is shit, eat, sleep, stare out the window, and if they have owners that smoke weed, they get high. Maybe I'm just jealous of that incredible lifestyle, but cats suck. They puke all over your stuff, scratch you for no fucking reason, run up and down the hallways at night like a fucking mental patient on crack, and will conveniently come sit in your lap right after they drop a deuce and have little kitty-dingleberries caught under their tail. Cats can all go fuck themselves for all I care. Even you, cute little cartoon cat from Shrek. Fuck you.
With that said, I would never shoot a cat 27 times in the neck and face. Mostly because I'd be horrified the thing would turn back into a witch and cast a spell on me or something.
For the record, the cat survived, and makes 50 Cent look like a pussy for only getting shot 9 times. Just kidding Fiddy. Anyone who made the bullet proof vest fashionable is badass enough for me.
VERDICT:
the cat is probably most traumatized from being named "possum"
In Brussels, 756 people set a world record by waiting in line to use a single toilet. The record was set in some kind of effort to raise awareness for clean water on World Water Day, whatever the hell that is.
In other news, another world record was set when 756 people in Brussels all did the pee-pee dance at the same time.
VERDICT:
how the shit do you even organize something like this?
For some reason, Jordan Witham not only let it be known that he fucks his car, but he let himself be interviewed about it. And when I say he fucks his car, I don't mean he bangs chicks IN his car, or that he's a bad driver and fucks UP his car. By fucks his car, I mean that he has penis to tail pipe intercourse. Yep. You just read that in a sentence.
And his Dad knows about it. And he named his car Ingo. Now enjoy the highlights.
-“I don’t fancy people. It’s cars that do it for me – I don’t want to marry or have kids.”
-“I could feel myself falling in love while I worked on Ingo. I once became so aroused, I started rubbing her bodywork and masturbating. It didn’t feel strange, just really exciting. After a few minutes, I felt a desire to connect with her further, so I had penetrative sex with the exhaust pipe.” (Note: WHOA!!)
-“I don’t always have sex with the car. Sometimes I stroke and kiss her bodywork, or rub myself up against her. If I’ve just been driving her, I have to wait for the exhaust pipe to cool down before I have sex. And I always use a condom because of all the dirt and dust inside.”
-Jordan, who also masturbates while reading car magazines, has spent over £2,500 refurbishing Ingo.
-Now he has spent a further £200 on a “boy” car, a Trans Am he calls Todd, and is experimenting with a “gay” relationship. Jordan says: “He’s very masculine. When I first bought him, I felt like I was cheating on Ingo, but now we all work well together." (Note: Uhhh.....what?)
-“I have sex with Ingo more than Todd because Todd is kept in the driveway, not in the garage. I have to sneak outside in the middle of the night to have sex with him.”
VERDICT:
ingo?!?
PLAYBOY POSTS UNEDITED BACK ISSUES ONLINE, FOR FREE
When Prince said he wanted to party like its 1999, I can only assume he had some big expectations for the future. His idea of the future probably included public orgies or everyone having their own pony or something, but thats neither here nor there. The bottom line is even a full decade after Prince's ideal futuristic date to party, the future still blows.
Seriously, its 2009 by now, and what do we have to show for it? OK, iPods and wireless internet and Wikipedia are pretty cool, but anyone who tells you they thought 2009 would be like this is full of shit. Where are the flying cars? Why can't we read minds yet? Why don't we live on the moon?
Well maybe if you took your head out of your ass and stopped asking those stupid fucking questions, you'd see the future is here, and its being brought to you by Playboy. Because Playboy recently made over 50 old issues of their magazine available to view online, word by word, page by page, titty by titty, for the low, low price of FREE.
So not only can you witness firsthand the evolution of the female bush over the last 50 years, and not only can you spank it to the same pictures your father and grandfather spanked it to, but you can do it all for FREE!!! Thats what the fuck I'm talking about.
On behalf of Playboy, and in honor of all of the naked women you can eye-fuck who are either dead or old as dirt by now, welcome to the future.
VERDICT:
awesome. keep your fingers crossed on flying cars next
DOG EATS $400, BUT WOMAN RECOVERS SOME OF IT
Kelley Davis, a woman in North Carolina, had an extra $400 laying around that she was going to deposit, when she realized it was missing. This Junior Detective realized her dog ate it when she took the dog for a walk and he shitted out parts of 3 $100 bills, and 5 $20 bills. The article says, "She washed them with a garden hose and hopes to find enough pieces to exchange them for cash."
Who the hell is going to give this woman clean, new cash for ripped up, digested, poop-covered cash? I am very anxious to know. I know a lot of banks are in the shitter, but they have to draw the line somewhere. (Ba-dum-CH!!)
In other news, Kelley Davis beat the shit out of her dog the other day.
VERDICT:
is 400 bucks really worth digging through dog shit for? (checks bank account and wallet.) on second thought, maybe it is. touche kelley davis
Do you know someone who rips stinky farts on the reg? Here is the perfect gift for them, and its only $9.95 for a 5-pack. If you've ever practically tasted a fart because it smelled so bad, you know this is a bargain.
For the record, I know the video is 1:31, and personally my attention span for a youtube video is only about a minute, but just watch it until the end when the bald guy sharts himself. Sharts hard. I just feel like this is the kind of thing where you'll want to know what people are talking about when it comes up. And it WILL come up.
VERDICT:
either so fucking retarded or absolute genius. i have no idea
STUDENT, 15, SUSPENDED FOR PASSING GAS
A Polk County teenage student has been suspended from school because he intentionally passed gas, according to school officials....School officials said the teen repeatedly passed gas to make other children laugh. They said the smell also made it difficult to breathe.
In all seriousness, I once had a roommate who hands-down had the worst smelling farts I've ever smelled. And it wasn't like once-in-a-while-after-too-many-buffalo-wings that they would really stink. This kid consistently ripped the wettest, nastiest, most toxic farts of all time. And I fucking hated him for it.
The living room always smelled like an overwhelming mixture of Febreze and a garbage can full of dirty diapers. And not a little garbage can, like you might have in your bathroom or under your desk. I mean a big ass industrial-sized metal garbage can, like where Oscar the Grouch lives. Imagine one of those fuckers full of moldy, shit-filled diapers, spray a little Febreze on there, and welcome yourself to my old living room.
By the end of the year, our couch was unusable and we all just stayed in our rooms. So if this 15-year old's farts are anything like my old roommate's, I say lock him up and home-school him. And when he's locked in his room sulking, light that little shit (pun intended) on fire. His friends and the ozone will eventually thank you, guaranteed.
VERDICT:
suspended for farting? really? retarded
PORN STING GOES TO THE DOGS: ATTEMPT TO ENSNARE BOYFRIEND COMES BACK TO BITE INDIANA WOMAN
Michelle Owen, a bright, well-respected, and very classy 24-year old young woman from Indiana, was concerned that her ex-boyfriend was using her computer to look at kiddie porn. So she did what any bright, well-respected, classy young woman would do, and had local police search the computer for anything illegal. Unfortunately, Ms. Owen forget she had left videos of her getting freaky-deeky with her dog, Toby, in the recycle bin of the computer. The police report gets nice and graphic if you want hilarious details.
This bright, well-respected, classy lady was then arrested on 2 counts of beastiality. On a side note, the article spells it BESTiality. As in the BEST kind of iality there is.
The article also stated, "Cops believe that the dog in question, Toby, is a beagle." Too bad it wasn't a cocker spaniel. Get it? COCKer spaniel? That just happened.
VERDICT:
michelle owen, you are a crazy whore. and a stupid retard. empty the recycle bin next time like the rest of us
Wowzas. Where do I start with this one? Here are some highlights from the article, with a few thoughts.
- I would have no problem paying for Otto to go to Amsterdam to visit a brothel if that's what he wanted.
Niiiice.
- He says his ideal woman is television and radio presenter Fearne Cotton.
I don't know what the hell Fearne is from, but touche, Otto. Aim for the stars and you'll hit the moon.
- Recalling previous encounters, he added: 'There was Jackie - she was a sexy bird, she was gorgeous. She gave me four kisses. Then there was Sarah. We had a crazy snog together. It was a few months ago. I'm still waiting for her to call me back."
4 kisses AND a snog? Giggity.
- Miss Baxter would be 'delighted' if Otto brought a woman back to their house for sex.
Again, no comment. This is getting weird.
VERDICT:
is it a no-questions-asked trip to hell if i call this story retarded?
BOY, 3, SPEARED THROUGH TORSO WITH 3-FOOT IRON ROD, LIVER INJURED
Holy fuck. This is no joke. This 3-year old boy in India fell off of a roof and landed right on this metal rod, which impaled him. I know, I know. Its not everyday you get to see a picture of a little Indian kid IMPALED by a metal rod, so you're welcome for that.
Doctors removed the rod during a 4-hour operation and said he had lost a lot of blood and suffered some injuries, but "nothing major."
Nothing major? Are you fucking shitting me? This kid is luckier than the dude on Slumdog Millionaire. How the hell did he survive this? I'm not saying I wish he hadn't, but seriously, how the hell does ANYBODY survive this? HE WAS IMPALED BY A FUCKING METAL ROD!!!!!
VERDICT:
when I was a little kid, I cried like a little bitch if i so much as stubbed my toe, and this kid toughed out being impaled by a metal rod!! this is so miraculous its retarded
Did you ever get a boner at the worst possible time? Maybe at the beach or just walking down the street or something? Well now there's a solution. Look at this picture below, and think about it next time you feel an unwanted woody on the rise. Because I guarantee if you think about this image, the blood will run so fast from your dick back to your face you might get a bloody nose.
I found this on Tuesday, and have been anxiously saving it for this special moment. The moment I'm taking about is Webcam Friday. Just trust me and watch this till the end. Then watch the end over and over again.
VERDICT:
this kid has the looks, the range, and the moves. legit triple threat
NINE KIDS WITH NINE WOMEN LEAVE HENRY BROKE
In this crazy mixed up world we live in, I thank my lucky stars for people like Travis Henry, who show our impressionable youth how to live their lives by truly leading by example.
Mr. Henry is a bonafide master of sexual education, as he reportedly has 9 different children with 9 different women. In the wise words of the Sugar Hill Gang, "I can bust you out with my super sperm." Super indeed.
However, now Travis Henry is in a bit of a financial squeeze, to the point that some might characterize him as being broke as a joke. You might be asking yourself how a man who played professional football as recently as 2007 and has such powerful semen could be broke, but then one sees his $170,000 a year tab in child support, and you will have your answer.
To help make ends meet, Henry was trafficking a little cocaine on the side, and the government had the balls to arrest him and place him under house arrest, which is bullshit if you ask me. Whats a little coke trafficking if its for the kids?
So, to summarize, Mr. Henry clearly doesn't like to wear a raincoat in the shower, but lets be honest, who among us does? And if it results in having enough kids to literally start his own baseball team, so be it. Going above and beyond to generate some extra income is always admirable and shows not only initiative, but an incredible sense of business acumen. For his determination, iniative, and super sperm, I am proud to salute Travis Henry as our inaugural Role Model of the Day. Mazel Tov, Travis.
FIGHT CLUB PROBED AT HOME FOR DISABLED
CORPUS CHRISTI, Texas - Seven employees of a state-run home for the mentally disabled in Texas have been suspended for staging fights between residents who were forced to shove, punch and strike each other, authorities said Tuesday.
Bottom line, making retards fight is a 1-way ticket straight to hell. I used to work at a day camp, and we made 7-year old kids fight in the dirt for ice pops and extra swim time. I'm pretty sure this story is worse.
VERDICT:
i hope someone recorded the fights and puts it on youtube
ITS HIP TO SNIP DURING MARCH MADNESS
Two urology institutes - one in Austin and another in Oregon - are offering the craziest fucking marketing ploy in the history of mankind. They are promoting discounted vasectomies (NOTE: I don't think I've ever had to write the plural of vasectomy before) during March Madness because, as the article so eloquently states, "a vasectomy requires a few days of rest, so what better time to get vasectomy than March Madness, when you have a good excuse to sit on the couch?"
As a bonus, one doctor at the office in Austin goes by the name Richard Chopp. I shit you not. A doctor giving vasectomies is named Dick Chopp.
Now, I'm not going to make any gross jokes about vasectomies, because I'm too mature for that. OK, actually thats not true, I'm definitely immature enough for those kinds of jokes, but thats not the point. The point is, if you're a guy who's been considering snipping your shit, I would just think you'd want to do it on your time, not just because of some promotion that will conveniently allow you to watch the Gonzaga game.
VERDICT:
i tried so hard to think of a dick vitale joke for this, but i just couldn't do it
EX-NJ REP PLEADS NOT-GUILTY IN CHILD PORN CASE
I have to admit, I have no idea what a state assemblyman is or does, but Neil Cohen used to be one of them. He was a big pioneer for anti-child porn laws, but is now facing trial for child porn and official misconduct charges. Cohen went so far as to create a phone hotline for people to call to report kiddie porn and other internet crimes.
Yikes. Talk about a fool-proof plan backfiring. Passing all those laws, this guy probably thought he was invincible, and the last one anyone would suspect of getting off to the young'n's. But alas, he's caught.
A judge ruled that while awaiting trial, Cohen is not allowed to "loiter or linger around schools and playgrounds or have unsupervised contact with children under 16." Is there anything creepier than not legally being allowed to be near a school or playground?
VERDICT:
assemblyman retard is busted! next time try to remember to clear your internet browser's history when you're done like the rest of us
MAN BEATS UP 'KANGAROO JACKIE CHAN' IN HOUSE
A kangaroo crashed through the front windows of some family's house, and got its ass kicked by the father. The kangaroo started jumping all over shit and fucking shit up. So the guy put the fucker in a headlock, dragged it down the hallway, and tossed it out the front door. The wife said, "At first, he thought it was a lunatic ninja."
Holy shit what??? A lunatic ninja!?? This guys is BADASS for kicking a kangaroo's ass, let alone one that was confused for a lunatic ninja. Those things do not look like they are fucking around.
VERDICT:
either the kangaroo was retarded, or that guy is the man
As a follow-up to last week's Webcam Friday, I have made the executive decision to include this related video, because, well, it is fucking hilarious and this is my motherfucking blog and I can do whatever the shit I want. Including curse as much as I want so fuck you JeffFuckingSpring. Do you know what a shit barometer is? It measures the shit pressure in the air. The winds of shit are coming.
WARNING: This video doesn't seem like something you want to watch if you're on shrooms or LSD or something. You seriously might bug out.
VERDICT:
does anyone else really want to smoke a joint with this kid?
Its officially Friday. Which means its time to welcome in the weekend. But the weekend refuses to be welcomed in without another edition of Webcam Friday. Here we have the one and only BeenerKeeKee showin' off his gangsta. I think this kid is the love child of Simon Birch and Benjamin Button.
Don't fuck with that.
VERDICT:
one of the best lip syncs i've ever seen. bravo all around
I truly hope farts never become un-funny to me. They've been hilarious since I ripped ass for the first time as a baby, and are just as great, if not better, today. With that, here's LeBron James showing off his butt thunder.
VERDICT:
first dwight howard talks about taking shits in an interview, now lebron is caught lettin' it rip on the bench. retarded. the nba...where giant men shitting and farting happens
POLICE CIRCULATE PHOTOGRAPHS OF SURRENDER OF GUNMAN IN THE FEDERAL DISTRICT
This article is from Brazil, and was translated - very, very poorly - by Google. I'm not totally sure what the hell happened, but apparently some guy held this 60-year old woman hostage over $42 with a Sega laser gun.
First of all, if I'm ever going to hold someone hostage, I would definitely use the Duck Hunt gun for Nintendo. Maybe one of the shotguns from Big Buck Hunter. But definitely not a weak ass Sega gun.
Secondly, I would make sure my hostage wasn't so absurdly hideous looking. Brazil may have given us spank-bank mainstays such as Gisele and Adriana Lima, but this missing link might single-handedly tip the whole country's scales back down to average. Look at that woman! Thats a face only a mother could love....if the mother was Helen Keller. And she is definitely not passing the pencil test (the first one) anytime soon. Would anyone even care if he had shot this wildebeest? As long as it was a closed casket and nobody had to look at that smile again, I say it would be all good.
VERDICT:
how do you get taken hostage with a fucking toy gun? and is that guy holding a turkey baster in the second picture? retardado. (thats how they say retarded in brazil)
I didn't pick the title of this video. But I did watch it about 15 times in the last 5 minutes.
VERDICT:
tyrone is not fucking around. at least he recycled
White Men Can't Jump was a great freaking movie. You got to see Rosie Perez's boobies, some great basketball action, and a completely racist message that would've been more controversial if it wasn't 100% true. (FACT: Us crackas have never been known for our ups.)
But that all ends now. With today's news that A-Rod has a torn labrum in his hip, he could miss 2-3 months if he chooses to have surgery. If this happens, it could potentially give the world a chance to see the Great White Hope himself, Cody Ransom, play third base for the 26-time World Champion New York Yankees and single-handedly shatter the stereotypes that white men cannot jump.
I rest my case.
VERDICT:
retarded that it took barack's election to finally make these racial barriers come a-tumblin'
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