Deez nuts

Seattle Mariners third baseman Adrian Beltre was placed on the D.L. yesterday after taking a bad hop to the groin area. Usually this wouldn't be too noteworthy, except, well, read for yourself:

There was some tearing of the testicle and apparently is some internal bleeding in there. The team is going to wait a bit to see whether he requires surgery.

Ahhhhhhh what the fuck!?? Internal bleeding in his nuts?? You'd think Beltre would be able to afford a few of these after signing his not-quite-worth-it $64 million contract back in 2005. Now any hopes he has of pumping out any little Beltres are as ruined as his own balls.

Bottom line, what separates the pretenders from the contenders in baseball is knowing the time and place to whip your nuts out. Fielding a ground ball? Keep it in your pants. Having some PVI with the likes of Jessica Biel, Minka Kelly, Scarlett Johansen, Gabrielle Union, or Jessica Alba? Let your nuts breathe. Its pretty much the golden rule of baseball. That's why Derek Jeter is a fucking champion, and why Adrian Beltre is named after Rocky's ugly wife.

The new murderer's row...worth protecting your junk for.

VERDICT:
2 things i never want associated with my testicles, in no particular order: tearing and internal bleeding