The World is Retarded

Girl's sports at its best

2009-11-17T17:31:00.006-05:00

What the FUCK are these parents laughing and high-fiving about? I don't care if you're the ugliest motherfucker on the planet or an adorable little girl. As Herm Edwards said, "You. Play. To. Win. The. Game." If I'm coaching this team I would throw her ass on the bench so fast it would make her head spin. Nobody plays indoor soccer to have a good time. At the end of the day the score and the W are the only things that matter. And I'm pretty sure kicking the ball like a fucking spaz and making a half-ass attempt to save it as it rolls into your own net was not in the game plan.

VERDICT:
seriously retarded. she'll probably be in the WNBA

Right in the babymaker

2009-11-17T17:02:00.005-05:00

MINNESOTA MAN GETS LIFE IN PUNCHING DEATH OF FETUS

"I'm gonna punch you in the ovary, that's what I'm gonna do. A straight shot. Right to the babymaker."

Dameon Gatson paid his friend $40 to punch his girlfriend in her stomach when she was 6-months pregnant. Surprise surprise the baby was born premature and died a few days later. Now Gatson is going to jail for life with no parole. Damn homie.

Now I could sit here and make some horribly offensive homemade smashmortion jokes. Like instead of a punch he could've just pushed her down the fire escape. Or scooped her stomach like a jack-o-lantern. But I'm going to take the high road here. Because as the days fade to months and the months give way to the changing of each season, I find myself more mature and sensitive to the feelings of others. And because I also want to know what the hell happened to the kid who actually punched this chick?

If you ask me, the kid who punches a fetus in the fucking face for $40 is way crazier and more dangerous than the asshole who actually pays the $40. Am I wrong here? Now I'm in no way, shape, or form a wealthy individual, but I would need a helluva lot more money than 40 bucks to punch a pregnant girl in the stomach. Don't even approach me unless you're prepared to start the bidding at $100.

VERDICT:
i wouldn't really punch a pregnant chick for $100. i'd need at least a buck-fiddy

We have a new Nobel Peace Prize winner

2009-11-17T16:39:00.008-05:00

TAIWANESE ONLINE HUNK LURES 20 WOMEN INTO HIS BED

A Taiwanese man has been cuffed for allegedly posing online as a "youthful male model" and persuading up to 20 females to have sex with his father, the China Daily reports.

Hsu Shian-ming's internet pitch got a lively response from women "interested in romantic liaisons". The 55-year-old scammer convinced his victims that his old man was suffering from prostate cancer - a condition which meant he needed constant sex to stay alive.

The angels of mercy obliged, administering life-saving treatment to dad in various Taipei hotels. Pop's cancer was evidently serious, because the women were "persuaded into unconventional sex acts varying from putting foreign objects in their private parts, anal sex, or threesomes", the China Daily indelicately puts it.

The wheels came off the audacious ruse after one of the women failed in her attempts to meet the son.

She called in private investigators who revealed that father and son were one and the same person. Police arrested Hsu on Saturday, and a subsequent search of his house revealed "dozens" of photos of the handsome young man used as bait.

They also found "hundreds of female pictures each with detailed descriptions on the back". During his medical treatment, Hsu had photographed his victims nude, then used the snaps to "threaten them into doing future sex favours".

Hsu allegedly also relieved his targets of cash and goods to the value of 200m Taiwan New Dollars (£3,725,000).

The worst hit was "a cougar surnamed Yu", who handed over gifts including seven iPhones, a £1,862 monthly allowance, diamond and pearl necklaces, a Porsche, and a "limited-edition watch valued at a staggering £145,000".

Hsu, described by police as a "divorced bald man" and "physically unattractive", faces five years in jail on each of multiple fraud raps.

This guy is a goddamn genius. Why in the world would someone get in trouble for this? Did they arrest Mozart when he wrote a symphony? Or God when he invented the remote control? So what makes Hsu Shian-ming any different? This guy is bald and ugly as shit and Asian to boot, but he's out there giving 110%, having anal Asian 3somes like you fucking read about and raking in Porsches and iPhones like they're going out of style. If he's OK with lying about prostate cancer than who I am to argue? The ends justify the shit out of the means.

VERDICT:
NOT retarded. seriously, this guy is a fucking genius

Very risky business

2009-11-12T23:49:00.006-05:00

What do you think? Just a bump on the head? Legit concussion? I say concussion at least. Her brain could've exploded for all I know.

And how about little Florence Nightingale over here? Your BFF's skull just imploded and you tell her to lay on top of a towel? Fucking brilliant.

VERDICT:
i never went from boner to laughter so fast in my entire life. wait what?

Mother Russia

2009-11-11T21:23:00.016-05:00

RUSSIAN CANNIBAL WHO ATE HIS MOTHER GIVEN LIGHTER SENTENCE BY JUDGE WHO SAYS 'HE WAS STARVING, HE NEEDED TO EAT'

A cannibal who killed and ate parts of his mother had his sentence reduced by a judge who said 'he needed to eat'.

Sergey Gavrilov secured reduced time in jail after confessing: 'I did not like the meat very much. It was too fatty. But I was so hungry, I had to eat it.'

The 27-year-old was given a lenient prison sentence because the judge said he was starving and needed to eat after spending all his money on vodka and gambling machines.

The Russian man hit his mother Lyubov, 55, over the head with a brick and then strangled her with an electric cable following a row over her refusal to give him her pension money to spend on alcohol.

A court heard how he put her body on the balcony of the family flat near Samara, in southern Russia, and took her allowance before going on a two day drinking and gambling binge. Returning to the flat, he soon ran out of food and started slicing meat from his mother's body. 'She was frozen, like meat in the freezer,' he told police.

He cooked soup and pasta with meat from his mother's body over a period of more than a month, he said.

The Russian criminal code dictates 15 years in jail for his crimes but the judge said he was reducing it slightly because Gavrilov - who previously served time in jail for robbery - pleaded guilty and 'he was not keen to eat the meat, he just was hungry'.

Gavrilov was jailed for 14 years and three months. Psychiatric tests found the man was 'normal' mentally and fully aware of what he was doing.

He was caught when a policeman came to his flat, suspecting him of stealing a mobile phone. The officer found the dead woman - with both her legs missing - on the balcony.

First of all I'm sorry for making this so long, but which part of this story was I supposed to overlook? This is so crazy it might not even be real. Or it might be. I have no clue. And where am I supposed to begin with this? Its like the freaking Holy Grail of retarded news stories.

First things first. Let this be a lesson to all the mothers out there who act all high and mighty with their pension money. I know whenever my mom plays hard to get with her pension money I threaten the old brick-to-the-head manuever too, and that cash is in my hand faster than you can say Stolichnaya. So clearly the mother is partly to blame here. I mean, your kid is 27, if he wants to go on a vodka and gambling binge that's his own damn business. Those gambling machines aren't going to pay for themselves.

But as for eating her, well, I mean come on Sergey. You know when Austin Powers gets a shoe thrown at him, and he's like "Who throws a shoe? I mean honestly." Well who the hell makes soup and pasta out of their mom's legs? I mean honestly. I guess if you're going to eat your mom you might as well go all the way and marinate that shit and let it stew and simmer for a while. But I didn't even know people still ate other people anymore, let alone prepared entire meals out of them like they were working at a bizarro Olive Garden. And then to tell the whole court room his mom was too fatty? Talk about adding insult to injury. Listen Sergey, its tough to keep that extra weight off at your mother's age. You don't need to rub it in.

And where was this judge when I had to go to court for being a drunk asshole back in college? Instead of probation, a fine, and a shitload of community service (AKA playing indoor soccer with little black kids), this guy would've just said "he was drunk, trying to get laid" and handed me a key to the fucking city. Goddamn Ruski's know whats up.

But maybe my favorite part of this story was that "psychiatric tests found the man was 'normal' mentally and fully aware of what he was doing." Ummm doesn't being aware that you're cooking your own mom automatically make you NOT normal? I'm pretty sure that on the first day of psychiatry school, they take attendance, hand out the syllabus, review the bathroom and gum policies, and then go right into Chapter 1, which says that if a person eats another person, than they are fucking crazy. Class dismissed, hope you had a good first day.

VERDICT:
if there's a lesson to take away from all of this, its obviously don't steal mobile phones

New Zealand = the Canada of Australia

2009-11-10T00:49:00.006-05:00

DEAD RABBIT THROWING CONTEST BANNED

A contest that involves children seeing how far they can throw dead rabbits has been banned in New Zealand following outcry from animal welfare campaigners.

The annual 'rabbit throw' in the South Island town of Waiau has been a tradition for years but officials have had to cancel the event following complaints from the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals (SPCA).

An animal cruelty inspector with the charity, Charles Cadwallader, said: "Do you throw your dead grandmother around for a joke at her funeral?"

First of all, I can't believe this legendary tradition has been going on this long without people like the SPCA freaking out any earlier. Considering we live in a world where dodgeball is illegal in most states, this just seems like one of those things that should've gotten banned a long time ago.

Second of all, ummmm no Charles Cadwallader I don't throw my dead grandmother around for a joke at her funeral. And might I add thats a truly terrible analogy. Maybe if these rabbits made some banging matzoh ball soup or sent me a check for a couple hundo every year for my birthday, they wouldn't be getting tossed around either. You scratch my back, I'll scratch yours, ya know?

VERDICT:
seriously, what a fucking retarded analogy. only in new zealand....

Who punches a baby?

2009-11-09T23:56:00.007-05:00

MUGGERS ATTACK TWO-YEAR OLD GIRL

(Who punches a baby? Apparently these bitches do.)

A two-year-old girl was punched in the head by two teenage girls during an attempted robbery in north-west London.

The girl was with her mother when the pair were targeted by two female suspects in Preston Road, Wembley, at about 1645 GMT on Tuesday.

They demanded money from the mother, aged 23, before punching her in the arm and attacking her daughter.

The way I see it, there's 2 types of British people in this world. The first is the faggy Eurotrash type that I'm pretty sure invented techno and being hipsters. The second is the type from Green Street Hooligans, the crazy motherfuckers who say cunt like its nothing and will brawl and kill in the streets just because their soccer team lost. Frankly, this second type scares the shit out of me. So even though Brits can be fruity little Eurotrash, I'm going to assume this 2-year old who got attacked is of the Green Street hooligan crowd and knows how to take a punch to the dome. As for the mother, well, I'll be the first to admit that I'm no tough guy, but its going to take a lot more than a dead arm and messing with my hooligan baby to mug me. So teenage girls be warned.

VERDICT:
seriously, who punches a fucking baby??

BREAKING NEWS!!!

2009-11-05T20:27:00.008-05:00

RUDOLPH THE RED NOSED REINDEER IS A FEMALE

Edinburgh University professors Gerald Lincoln and David Baird say Rudolph cannot be a male because female reindeer still have antlers at Christmas. Males shed theirs before mid-December.

Prof Lincoln said: "Rudolph classically is this red-nosed reindeer who is around at Christmas. We picture him in the snow with his antlers, but if you know anything about nature you discover that things are not quite so straightforward.

Male reindeer actually cast their antlers before Christmas, so they don't have any antlers at Christmastime.

...So you can't picture Rudolph as a big red-nosed macho male because he has cast his antlers already and can't arrive on your doorstep with his antlers on, looking handsome."

Looking handsome? Give me a fucking break professor. Shit like this is why Obama won a Nobel Peace Prize before doing jackshit. Because instead of curing cancer or saving the environment or inventing X-Ray vision or something, scientists like Gerald Lincoln and David Baird are researching the gender of imaginary fucking animals that fly around the whole world in under 24 hours. The. World. Is. Retarded.

VERDICT:
any bets that the professors are still virgins?

Not dressed for success

2009-11-05T19:31:00.008-05:00

MAN SAYS UNITED DENIED HIM FIRST CLASS SEAT DUE TO TRACK SUIT

A corporate executive with electronic retail giant Best Buy says a United Airlines gate agent denied him a seat in the first class cabin because he was wearing a track suit.

...Alvarez said the gate agent called his name and when he walked up to the counter for his upgrade, the agent said he was dressed too casually for first class.

"I was humiliated and embarrassed," Alvarez said.

Oh sorry, I didn't know when I went to the airport I had to get through security PLUS the fucking fashion police. Flying sucks dick as it is, and comfortable clothes are the key to not having to adjust your balls every 10 minutes for the next 4 hours. Your nuts and the fat bastard next to you will be thankful for it. Plus this guy is wearing Puma, which I'm pretty sure is the fucking Armani of track suits.

And how about goddamn United Airlines pulling this holier than thou shit? Really grinds my gears. If I were them, I'd spend a little less time worrying about what outfits people are wearing and a little more time on what to do about the man, the myth, the legend: Jet Blue. Because make no mistake about it, Jet Blue is freaking awesome. Get stoned, board your plane, eat a warm cookie, relax in your big leather chair, and watch some live TV. LIVE FUCKING TV!! Its air travel the way God intended it. And I'm sorry other airlines, but why you think an entire plane full of people would want to watch Miss Congeniality 2 or an edited version of fucking Van Helsing is beyond me. I'm just trying to hold my poop in until we land, and the least you could do is show me a movie that you didn't find on a cardboard shelf at 7-11.

VERDICT:
on the other hand, if you're flying first class, step up your game bro

No use crying over spilled milk....but beer is a different story

2009-11-05T19:22:00.005-05:00

If this isn't one of the saddest fucking things you've ever seen......well, then I respect you because you must have seen some fucked up shit in your day.

VERDICT:
a goddamn shame

Worst wedding ever

2009-11-03T21:12:00.009-05:00

KORDEZA ZHELYAZKOVA, 11, GIVES BIRTH ON WEDDING DAY

Kordeza Zhelyazkova was still wearing her wedding dress and tiara when she arrived at hospital and gave birth to little Violeta.

The schoolgirl, of Sliven, Bulgaria, fell pregnant within just two weeks of her 11th birthday.

She gave birth last week with 19-year-old husband Jeliazko Dimitrov at her side.

"I'm not going to play with toys any more - I have a new toy now," Kordeza told Britain's News of the World newspaper. "She is so beautiful, I love her. Violeta is the child and I must grow up. I am not going back to school - I am a mother now."

Kordeza met Jeliazko in the playground of her gypsy school when he rescued her from bullies.

Whoa whoa whoa hold the phones for a second. I don't know how many of you people have ever spent time on a playground at a gypsy school, but let me be the first to tell you, that shit is hardcore. The bullies are ruthless. Shit's legit. Its dog eat dog out there. Makes Bloods vs. Crypts look like Bert and Ernie. So if you rescue a girl from bullies on the playground of her gypsy school, you're a real life American hero. Or Bulgarian hero, whatever. Either way, you'd be raw dogging it within a week too, just like Jeliazko. This damsel in distress getting knocked up is actually the least surprising thing I've heard all day.

Plus, who am I to judge this chick for getting preggers AND married before her 12th birthday? First of all I dunno how they do things over in Bulgaria, but maybe that's the norm over there. And secondly, I was getting HJ's on the reg when I was like 12, so married and pregnant by 11 isn't that much of a stretch. And like they say, those who live in glass houses....

VERDICT:
for the record, jeliazko is still facing jail time for having sex with a minor. but he should be getting a purple fucking heart for his bravery out on the gypsy schoolyard

Retarded weapon of the year

2009-11-03T20:45:00.010-05:00

JUDGE: MAN WHO BIT NEIGHBOR DURING CLINTON TOWNSHIP SCUFFLE USED HIV AS A WEAPON

Clinton Township's Daniel Allen could face up to 15 years in prison after a judge today ordered him to stand trial on allegations he bit his neighbor on the face and used the HIV virus as a weapon. Allen, 44,told reporters last week that he is HIV positive and admitted to biting his neighbor, Winfred Fernandis Jr., after neighborhood kids tossed a football into his yard.

Are you fucking joking me Daniel Allen? HIV as a weapon is worse than the goddamn golden gun!! And that thing was the TITS. Just 1 shot to any part of the body and bam you're done. Grazed toe? Dead. Whizzed past your ear? Dead. Definitely not as badass as the RC-P90, but a billion times more effective.

Anyway, I would rather get fucking curb stomped than get infected with HIV in a fight. I know Magic Johnson has lived forever with that shit, but the dude's name is Magic, what the hell do you expect?

VERDICT:
after some deliberation, the ruling is in. and in a unanimous decision, using HIV as a weapon is super fucking retarded. and i am HIV-positive about that

Call a carpenter, because this kid is cutting up the dance floor

2009-10-27T21:30:00.004-04:00

Hot damn does this kid have some moves or does this kid have some moves?! And his old man is loving it!! At first the guy on stilts must have been pissed when he had his spotlight stolen, but the beat started thumping and the bitches started dripping and everyone's foot got a-tapping and it was pretty clear who the better performer on this day was. The people spoke and you can be damn sure they got what they wanted. Its the Code of the Streets. And the boardwalk. Not even a dude on stilts can argue with that.

Besides, he asked for it when he started tossing young MJ around. Nothing says dance-off like being swung between a creepy dude's legs.

VERDICT:
if the world is retarded doesn't work out, at least there's always dancing on stilts at the boardwalk

DVR this

2009-10-16T16:48:00.008-04:00

Call me crazy, but I just don't get it. Is this still the effects of dropping nuclear bombs on Japan? I mean, I understand the concept of lost in translation or whatever, but this level of confusion transcends culture and language. This only makes sense if your grandparents had their brains melted by the Enola Gay, right? Or is this the same feeling Japanese people get when they see clips of Dog the Bounty Hunter or Hell's Kitchen or something? This is going to bother me all fucking weekend.

VERDICT:
i have nothing more to add without being extremely racist

Douchebags of the day

2009-10-13T22:12:00.003-04:00

BROTHERS SENTENCED FOR ATTACKING AND URINATING ON THEIR GRANDMOTHER

Video Courtesy of KSL.com

Well that headline just about says it all. My only question is, how do 2 dudes go to jail for 1 year for punching and pissing on their own freaking grandmother, but Plaxico Burress goes to jail for 2 years for shooting HIMSELF IN HIS OWN leg? Who would you rather be locked away and kept away from you?

VERDICT:
grandma still loves them.

Ah ha, hush that fuss, everybody move to the back of the bus

2009-10-13T21:25:00.009-04:00

Jiminy freaking Christmas!! Imagine getting on the bus for work in the morning, minding your own business reading The World is Retarded on your iPhone, when all of a sudden this shit goes down? Freaking terrifying, not to mention a HUGE upset in the women's division of Race Wars: Black vs. Chinese. Black lady was probably a 4:1 favorite at least, but Chinese lady came roaring at her like Buster Douglas against Mike Tyson. Bitch was NOT fucking around. If she had turned into one of those Chinese New Year's dragons and just ate the black lady in 1 bite, I wouldn't have been the least bit surprised.

Imagine if Rosa Parks pulled this shit? Obama would've been president 30 fucking years ago!!

VERDICT:
i'm not going to call this retarded, because i am genuinely terrified of that Chinese lady hunting me down

P.S. I love how the lady who breaks up the fight pulls the immature card at 1:42. Like these 2 dainty ladies are going to suddenly shake it off and realize how immature they're acting.

P.P.S. Is there anything more chaotic than a bunch of Chinese people screaming at each other?

You can't make a hoe a housewife

2009-10-13T20:51:00.005-04:00

THE WOMAN WHO CAN'T STOP ORGASMINGGUARANTEE: This is a good one.

I had my first orgasm at the age of 17. I was sitting at my desk at school when all of a sudden, I felt a warm, pulsing feeling in my genital area. My vagina flared up and I couldn't think straight. It was like someone had squeegeed my thoughts away. I was like, whoa, what's that? It felt really erotic and good, but I was also freaked out, scared, and confused. After that, it started happening a few times a day. I searched online for spontaneous orgasms, but all I found was weird porn.

It kept getting worse. During my second semester of senior year, I counted orgasms on a sheet of paper. I was having 100 and 200 a day. I ran to hide in the bathroom between classes to relieve the pressure.

By the time I started college, the orgasms became even more intense and disruptive, and I was having trouble concentrating. I became really depressed. I didn't know what was wrong with me, and I wasn't getting any better. I cried a lot. I hid in the bathroom. I became violently protective of my privacy. In the beginning, I told everyone I trusted about my condition. People said things like: "You're so lucky!" and "Dude, I'd love to date you." They didn't understand why I wanted it to go away, and labeled me a drama queen. The school psychiatrist thought I was crazy. After my sophomore year, I bought a bunch of vibrators and took medical leave.

One day in 2003, a friend sent me an article in the Boston Globe about a newly discovered condition called Persistent Sexual Arousal Syndrome*. When I read it, I started crying hysterically — it described exactly what I was going through. I immediately made an appointment at the institute the article linked to, and after hours of tests, I was diagnosed with PSAS. My engorged genitalia and hypersensitivity made me a textbook case. Every other doctor had thought I was just a delusional hypochondriac.

So this chick thinks she has Persistent Sexual Arousal Disorder? I don't know what quacks she went to that told her that, but this is the easiest fucking diagnosis in the history of medicine. This is like the first lesson on Day 1 of med. school. Hmmm your pussy drips like a New Orleans basement and you cum 200 times a day? Wammo! You're a horny slut. Luckily for you it is treatable with a daily dose of dick, dick, and some more dick. Instead of making up some bullshit about an Arousal Disorder, the doctors should've told her to embrace her magical pussy and start her own website or something. Problem solved.

This slut goes on to say:

PSAS feels like having a second heartbeat. No, it's more than that. It's alive — it has its own life force, a mind of its own. I often wonder if this is how teenage boys feel about their erections.

Funny you should ask, because that's exactly how teenage boys feel about their erections. Teenage boys and every other member of the male species between the ages of 11 and dead. And we all know that a random boner is like a scab. If you pick at it, it will only get worse. If you leave it alone, it will eventually go away.

Back in the day I used to get boners on the school bus every goddamn morning. And you know why? Me neither. No clue. There was no fucking rhyme or reason to it. But I didn't cry about it or hide in the bathroom or buy a bunch of dildos and go on medical leave. I tucked that young whippersnapper up into my waistband and rattled off as many state capitals in my head as possible. Done and done.

VERDICT:
this is the prime difference between chicks and guys. if a chick tallies up her 200 orgasms a day on a piece of paper, she's a fucking legend. if a guy tallies up all his orgasms a day, he's just a retarded creep with a sticky piece of paper

Harmonica blues

2009-10-12T22:11:00.012-04:00

B.A. MAN CHARGED IN REPORTED HARMONICA ATTACK

According to Decai Liu’s arrest report, his roommate was in the bathroom getting ready for work when Liu burst in and started beating him with the instrument.

Liu, 52, was charged Thursday with assault with a dangerous weapon in the attack last Saturday in the 4500 block of West Norman Street in Broken Arrow, court records show.

.... Liu’s roommate told police that “I don’t know what his problem was,” the report indicates.

First of all, since when does a fucking harmonica qualify as a dangerous weapon? Have you ever seen ANYBODY playing a harmonica and thought, "Oh shit, this guy and his harmonica look like trouble." No fucking way. The harmonica is probably the 3rd pussiest instrument to play after the accordion and the harp, and both could do more damage than a little harmonica. Unless your name is John Popper. Because that guy could make a harmonica fucking ROCK.

Secondly, how does the roommate say he had no idea what Liu's problem was? Your roommate beat you up with a fucking harmonica dude!! You must have not refilled the Brita or left your poop in the toilet or done something to deserve it. Because I refuse to believe we live in a society where unprovoked harmonica attacks can happen to everyday people like you and me. That's not the America I signed up for.

VERDICT:
this raises the age-old question of who is nerdier: the guy who beats someone up with a harmonica? or the nerd who gets his ass beat with a harmonica? its like the chicken or the egg of the new millennium

Damn dirty apes

2009-10-12T21:06:00.002-04:00

MIAMI METROZOO PERFORMS EYE SURGERY ON GORILLA
Am I crazy or does that picture look fucking absurd? Since when do we perform eye surgeries on animals?

MIAMI -- A 42-year-old gorilla with severe cataracts received eye surgery at the Miami MetroZoo Friday. Doctors in Miami removed the cataracts from Josephine the gorilla's eyes and implanted new lenses.

The surgery is common among humans, but it is rarely done on gorillas because the animals rarely live past 50.

Oh, OK. So cataract surgery is rarely done on gorillas because they don't live past 50. Makes sense. But what about the fact that THEY ARE FUCKING GORILLAS????

VERDICT:

Respecting your elders way too much

2009-10-12T19:46:00.009-04:00

STATE OFFICIALS FIND SEXUAL ABUSE AT ST. LOUIS PARK NURSING HOME

State investigators are reporting that a nursing assistant at a St. Louis Park nursing home sexually abused a resident who has dementia.

The report released today says Texas Terrace Care Center has suspended the employee and police have referred the case for possible criminal sexual conduct charges.

Four earlier cases of nursing home abuse have been uncovered in Minnesota since August 2008.

In the latest finding, the state Health Department says the resident reported that the nursing assistant kissed her on the mouth and touched her sexually in July. Two other residents said the employee had kissed them, with one saying he touched her stomach.

Part of me wants to play a little devil's advocate here. I mean, a good day in this old lady's life is probably only shitting herself once a day. Plus with the dementia she can't remember her asshole from her elbow. So this sexual abuse is probably the most action she's gotten in years. Probably since people still thought you could get AIDS from using a public bathroom.

On the other hand, she's old as fuck. And I think the argument can be made that sexually abusing old people in a nursing home is even worse than molesting little kids. I'm not saying it is or it isn't, just that with a little research and an open mind, the case could be made. Based on my extensive experience of getting stoned and watching the National Geographic Channel, I know that regular rapists and pedophiles are considered the ultimate scumbags in jail. But where do old people-rapers stand? They've gotta be a close second, right?

VERDICT:
this happened in minnesota. in somewhere called st. louis park. at some place called the texas terrace care center. no wonder this lady had dementia, she didn't even know where the fuck she was

Hot dogs and hamboogers

2009-10-06T14:48:00.011-04:00

TAINTED BURGER LEADS TO STEPDAD'S ARREST
Boogers, farts, and drunk stepdads. And this, my friends, is the kind of hard hitting news story that get Matt Lauer and Tom Brokaw wet in the morning. Investigative news at its finest.

Police say the bizarre incident began to unfold late Friday night after the family stopped for some fast food on the way home. Once inside, the 12-year-old and LaDuke, who police say was intoxicated, began arguing before he allegedly picked his nose, put the mucus in the hamburger and tried to get her to consume it. She refused, and LaDuke allegedly grew more angry when her 9-year-old sister passed gas, sparking laughter from the family, according to Sgt. Eric Clifford, a city police spokesman.

LaDuke then uttered something along the lines that "you think that's funny," after which the older girl sprinted off the second-floor porch. She broke her arm, sprained an ankle and suffered cuts and bruises to her face, Clifford said. Despite the woman's pleas to call for help, LaDuke grabbed a 2-year-old child and left the home.

First of all, what the hell does "grabbed a 2-year old child and left the home" mean? Who the fuck was this 2-year old? Were there babies just laying around, ripe for the picking? Seems a little weird.

But more importantly, you are goddamn right we think farts are funny, Cliff LaDuke. Since when did drunk stepdads earn the right to act all high and mighty? Maybe you should get off your booger-wiping pedestal and loosen up a bit. Maybe fart in your hand and throw it at someone? Child psychologists have proven time and time again that fart throwing is way more effective than making little girls eat your boogers.

VERDICT:
how stinky must that girl's fart have been to make her sister jump off the fucking porch? broken arm and a sprained ankle just trying to evade a fart? god bless her because that girl must be packing some thunder. fart box jr.?

I love fishes cuz they're sooo delcious

2009-10-06T14:27:00.003-04:00

COPS: WOMAN FRIED, ATE GOLDFISH AMID FIGHT WITH EX
How the fuck is this even news? OK, so she fried the goldfish, which is either really fucking weird or really fucking delicious, but I mean, is there a less respected animal on the entire planet than the pet goldfish? Who the shit cares? They cost like 3 cents to buy, swim in a tiny bowl of their own poop all day, and can be won as a consolation prize at a fucking carnival. Not to mention pet goldfish have an average life expectancy of what, 4 days? Though I should say my sister once had the same goldfish for over 3 years, and to this day it is the most incredible feat I have ever witnessed. How that little guy went that much time without going belly up and flushed down a toilet defies all goldfish odds. He was like the Magic Johnson of goldfish.

VERDICT:
sure eating your ex's pet goldfish is totally fucking retarded, but also possibly the worst revenge imaginable. you gotta hit him where it hurts honey, not fry his pets that were going to die in 12 hours anyway

Who's ready for thanksgiving?

2009-09-29T14:09:00.003-04:00

Thanksgiving is a great holiday. Get stoned in front of your family. Watch football. Stuff your fucking face. Drink a shitload of wine. Go to sleep. See ya next year.

But you can bet your bottom dollar I'm going to think of these crazy fucking turkeys this Thanksgiving. Are they trying to get revenge on Native Americans for introducing Thanksgiving to us? Because someone who speaks Turkey should tell them they've got the wrong kind of Indians.

VERDICT:
seriously, what the fuck is going on here? these things are absolutely terrifying

Blame Canada

2009-09-28T20:15:00.014-04:00

FORMER TERRORIST WANTS TO BE A LAWYER
Its in Canada so who the fuck cares, but is this guy fucking serious? I'd hire this guy as my lawyer the same day I put my laptop away and go back to rubbing one out to the scrambled porn channels.

A convicted terrorist is asking to practise law in Greater Toronto. Parminder Singh Saini, 46, blames youth and naïveté for his violent past and says he is rehabilitated.

“I had no legitimate right to do that,” he recently told the Law Society of Upper Canada of a 1984 airline hijacking. “It’s not legal."

Wait a fucking minute Parminder. Did you say the only reason you regret hijacking a plane was because its not legal? What about the fact that hijacking planes is fucking crazy!! What about all the other shit you did?

On July 5, 1984, when he was 21, he and four accomplices in the militant All India Sikh Students Federation boarded an Air India flight to Delhi from the northern city of Srinagar.

Twenty minutes after takeoff, he and another man stood up. They pushed aside a female attendant, walked to the front of the plane and Saini - in full view of passengers - raised a handgun to the head of a male attendant and fired.

“(The bullet) did not hit him,” the trial judge later wrote in a 184-page judgment, “but there is little doubt that the object of Parminder Singh (Saini).....was to intimidate and terrorize the crew members and the passengers.”

At the cockpit door, Saini fired two or three more shots - risking the plane’s destruction, the court judgment said. One bullet pierced the door, striking the flight engineer in the back, not seriously. Other hijackers beat and stabbed two other crew members with kirpan daggers.

The door opened and Saini seized control of the plane.

At gunpoint, he ordered the pilot to land in Lahore, Pakistan, and for the next 20 hours kept everybody hostage as he tried to negotiate a list of demands involving money and a large number of prisoners.

“They said that they were going to blow up the aircraft and we should say our last prayer,” a female attendant testified.

When I was 21, all I was doing was smoking weed on the reg, getting drunk as fuck, and trying to fingerbang everything in sight. Not my proudest year, and now that I think about it thats pretty much what I still do, but it definitely beats hijacking a goddamn airplane, firing a gun at a flight attendant's head, and making an entire plane-full of people piss themselves after you threaten to blow them all up.

Bottom line Parminder, second chances are all well and good, but when you're in charge of something that sounds like a scene from Die Hard, its going to be a tough climb back to the top.

VERDICT:
do you even know what the fuck a kirpan dagger is? it looks like something indiana jones would use. not cool parminder, not cool at all

All's fair in love, war, and cow blowjobs

2009-09-28T18:14:00.009-04:00

NJ COP ROBERT MELIA TAPED HAVING SEX WITH COWS
History is littered with landmark court rulings that have helped to shape our world. Roe vs Wade. Plessy vs Ferguson. Brown vs the Board of Ed. Well now we can add Melia vs NJ to that historic list.

Moorestown policeman Robert Melia, shown above with his sexpot girlfriend Heather Lewis, is what some people might call fucked in the head. Last year, he and Lewis were arrested for sexually assaulting 3 young girls over the past 5 years. Yada, yada, yada, blah blah blah.

Lets be honest, in today's day and age, a little pedophiling here and there isn't exactly front-page news. What makes Melia completely fucking retarded is during a police investigation of his home, cops found a video of Melia facefucking some cows.

Retarded enough, right? Probably at least a 6.5 out of 10 on the Official Retarded Richter Scale. But after his day in court, Robert Melia's situation has officially entered the sweepstakes for retarded story of the year.

Since beastiality is not technically a crime in New Jersey (editor's note: who knew?), investigators charged Melia with animal cruelty. And this, believe it or not, is where our story gets even weirder. Under state law, a prosecutor must prove the animal was tormented to in cruelty cases. Which led to a rather unusual argument in the court room...

Burlington County assistant prosecutor Kevin Morgan was left to assert that forcing a cow to give you a blowjob -- especially a young, innocent calve, which is what Melia fancied -- fit the definition of cruelty. "I think any reasonable juror could infer that a man's penis in the mouth of a calf is torment," he told the judge. "It's a crime against nature."

But that's when Judge James J. Morley went a little weird on his own. He waxed philosophically about the mental powers of cows, noting that they couldn't actually talk -- a breakthrough observation -- and thus had no way of expressing whether they liked giving degenerate cops blowjobs or not. And given that the jury had no way of reading the five cows' minds -- yes, Melia is a serial cow rapist -- there's no way the prosecution could prove the cows were tormented.

The honorable James J. Morley, everyone! Give it up! Great point, your honor. And thanks to that great point, Officer Melia walked out of court a free man. Apparently you can't put words into a cow's mouth, but you can darn sure slip a dick in there.

As a born-and-raised New Jerseyian who's managed to avoid becoming a guido or a wigger or a cow-fucker, I am so proud of our judicial system stepping up for whats right. Who's to say whether cows like sucking dick or not? Not you. Not me. And apparently nobody else.

Like I always say, no means yes, yes means anal, and moooo means I can't wait for a facial. Frankly, after all these years of humans milking cows, its nice to see our slutty bovine friends finally returning the favor.

VERDICT:
to be fair, you'd probably be fucking cows too if you were dating heather lewis

Fuck pandas

2009-09-28T17:22:00.005-04:00

SHOULD WE LET THE PANDAS DIE?

Its about time someone as wildly popular and successful as Chris Packham stopped sucking the public's dick and says whats on all of our minds.

Naturalist Chris Packham, a BBC nature host, says pandas are an evolutionary dead end. He says they are not very bright, they have many challenges reproducing in captivity, and because they live in the most populous country on the planet, China, their environment is shrinking.

"Can we really afford these big charismatic animals that suck up so much of our funding?" Packham asked on Britain's GMTV.

...The BBC host said while it is easy to raise money for something "fluffy," our money is better spent saving habitats, such as rain forests.

Rarest bears in the world? Cute and fluffy? FUCK that! Last time I checked all bears do is eat people and steal our honey and salmon and picnic baskets. And according to Chris Packham, pandas are dumb as shit, can't fuck in captivity, and have no place to live since Chinese people can't keep it in their pants and keep popping out so many babies. If you can't even fuck in captivity, with nothing else to do all day, what the hell is the point of living?

I say preach on Chris Packham, and down with those faggy fluffy pandas!!

VERDICT:
fuck you panda bears

Craigslist ad of the day

2009-09-28T02:26:00.013-04:00

And this is Exhibit A why women could take over the fucking universe if their tiny brains were capable of hatching such a complex scheme. Because pussy is the most powerful substance ever known to mankind. Its like kryptonite combined with heroin mixed with whatever it is they use to fly rocket ships into space. This slut even says she's not that hot, but I bet not only did she get her table assembled about 10 seconds after posting this, she probably got a new TV, some jewelery, plus the entire VRETA living room series for her troubles.

VERDICT:
retarded fact: dildo + iced tea + stylish furniture at affordable prices = a good time. always

Helen Hodges is a big fat black lady

2009-09-28T01:36:00.017-04:00

'BIG FAT BLACK LADY' ANGERED BY GAS STATION RECEIPT

Hodges, 31, said the offensive incident happened Thursday night after she was shorted $10 in a gas pump mix-up at a station on Marconi Avenue near the Capital City Freeway. When she returned to the station for a refund, a $10 bill was attached to a receipt with a handwritten notation "black lady big fat."

..."It says 'black lady,' and I can understand that because I am a black lady," Hodges told News10. "But I don't get 'big fat.' I don't get that part."

Are you fucking serious Helen Hodges? What part of you being identified as "big" and "fat" didn't you get? If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, and looks like a duck, its probably a fucking duck. And if you're black and you're a lady and you wear blue XXXL t-shirts, you're probably a big fat black lady.

VERDICT:
if someone described me as "white dude, kind of jewy and out of shape" i wouldn't be happy about it, but i mean, come on. sometimes ya gotta wake up smell the roses big fat black retarded lady

Warning: dead baby jokes

2009-09-27T18:05:00.009-04:00

"DEAD" BABY WAKES UP FOR HIS FUNERAL WAKE
This is pretty fucked up. A baby was born 16 weeks prematurely and was declared dead by doctors. In retrospect, these doctors must be pretty fucking awful, because the baby was still alive. As 1 family member said:

I opened the box and took the baby out and he cried. I got scared and I said 'the baby's crying' ... and then he started moving his arms, his legs and I got scared, we got very scared.

I don't really have anything to say about this, but it seems like a great time to share some dead baby jokes. Because if you're reading this website, chances are you probably like dead baby jokes too.

Whats the difference between a dead baby and a trampoline?
When you jump on a trampoline, you take your shoes off.

How do you stop a baby from crawling round in circles?
Nail its other hand to the floor.

How do you stop a baby from falling down a manhole?
Stick a javelin through it's head.

Why did the baby fall out of a tree?
Because it was dead!

What's the difference between a truck full of bowling balls and a truck full of dead babies?
You can't unload a truck full of bowling balls with a pitchfork.

What do you get a dead baby for his birthday?
A dead puppy.

What's the difference between a baby and a grandmother?
Grandmothers don't die when you fuck them up the ass.
(my personal favorite)

What's the difference between a Cadillac and a pile of dead babies?
I don't have a Cadillac in my garage.

What's worse than finding 7 dead babies in 1 trash can?
Finding 1 dead baby in 7 trash cans.

What's the difference between a dead baby and a Styrofoam cup?
A dead baby doesn't hurt the o-zone when you burn it.

What's pink and red and silver and crawls into walls?
A baby with forks in its eyes.

What's red, bubbly, and scratches at the window before exploding?
A baby in a microwave.

What do you get when you cut a baby with a straight razor?
An erection.

What's the difference between a dead baby and an onion.
You don't cry when you chop up a dead baby.

What do you get when you put a dead baby in a blender?
Hold on. I'll tell you in a second.

VERDICT:
i just copy and paste them. you're the one reading you fucking retarded sickos

Mystery of the urinal deuce

2009-09-25T15:24:00.009-04:00

VIRGINIA POLICE SEEK URINAL VANDAL
Who is this guy?
A) an extra from The Wire
B) Plaxico's new roommate
C) the guy - sorry, the suspect - who vandalized urinals in 7 different restaurants, then pretended to be a plumber so the restaurants would pay him to fix the urinals

If you answered C, then you obviously cheated and read about this story already. Shame on you. But double shame on Carlos O'Kelly's, the 1 restaurant that actually paid this dude between $250-$300 to fix the urinal HE broke in the first place.

Listen, I've taken plenty of pisses in urinals in my day. And if I had a dollar for every time I've been shitfaced in a crowded bar and puked in a urinal, I'd have at least 10 or 12 bucks by now. So, my question is, how the fuck can you vandalize something that people use to puke and piss in on a regular basis? Sounds a little like the legendary Mystery of the Urinal Deuce if you ask me.

Either way, you've got to really fuck up a urinal to be wanted by police. Maybe more urinals should look like these.

VERDICT:
more like carlos o'retards. or retard o'kelly's. whatever

Who would win in a fight between 2 killer rabbits and a bunch of snakes?

2009-09-24T14:28:00.007-04:00

KILLER RABBITS ATTACK SNAKES
After dead, mutilated snakes kept showing up in his yard, Armando Del Manso thought his dog was the one responsible. But then he saw something that he described as "gobsmacked." I have no idea what the fuck gobsmacked means, but you'd probably be gobsmacked too if you saw this:

The snake was raised up in the air in the striking position and the two rabbits worked their way around him and killed him in two minutes. We were watching from the veranda with a spotlight, and I thought, who is going to believe this, they’ll think I’m crazy.....These are killer rabbits, man.

I've seen a lot of retarded shit in my day, but killer bunnies tag-teaming snakes? Fucking eh. Maybe if the Trix Rabbit had taken a few notes from his crazy, snake-eating brothers, he wouldn't have been bullied by a bunch of shit-eating kids and gotten some goddamn cereal. Silly rabbit.

To make this story better, a few days after discovering the killer rabbits, Del Manso "was bitten by a python on the foot while going for a midnight snack in his kitchen at around 2am." OK then.

VERDICT:
if i don't know whether i should be more worried about snakes in my kitchen or killer rabbits in the back yard, i'm probably getting the fuck out of dodge ASAP. retarded

And the nominees for 2009 mom of the year are...

2009-09-24T13:45:00.006-04:00

POLICE: MOM ATTACKS OWN KIDS OVER PORK CHOP
How does the saying go? Spare the rod and spoil the child? Well you know what happens when you spare the rod too often and spoil the child one too many times? You get your fucking pork chops stolen right out from under you. And by your own flesh and blood no less.

Chavonna Gough of Sacramento learned this lesson the hard way. When her two teenage kids, ages 19 and 16, ate the last pork chop at dinner, Ms. Gough said fuck the rod, punched 1 kid square in the face, and chased them both out of the house with a knife. Now the police have the nerve to charge her with felony child abuse and place the 16-year old in protective custody.

Ummm hello officers, but what about the charges for Grand Theft Pork Chop? Everyone knows you can't just take the last pork chop and expect to get away with it. This case could be a black eye on the Sacramento legal system for years to come.

As Chris Rock said, the big piece of chicken is for daddy. And if daddy isn't around, and mommy looks like a Michael Vick dog, then she gets the last pork chop. Done and done.

VERDICT:
grand theft pork chop...oh man i crack myself up

Heroin's a helluva drug

2009-09-22T23:04:00.011-04:00

U.K. ADDICTS MAY BE GIVEN FREE FOIL FOR 'SAFER' HEROIN SMOKING

Fucking FINALLY!! Do you people out there know how often I've just been minding my own business, blogging away about retards, high as a kite off of some Grade-A Afghani heroin, but next thing you know I turn around and I'm out of tin foil!! Well let me tell you, theres no worse feeling in the world. It's like 10 thousand spoons when all you need is a knife. I'll be damned if I'm going to waste time to go to the store for more foil when I'm in the blogging zone. This would solve all my problems.

VERDICT:
what the fuck is safer heroin smoking? is that like jumbo shrimp?

Revenge served cold, or at least room temperature

2009-09-22T21:58:00.018-04:00

L.A. WOMEN OPEN REVENGE-FOR-HIRE BUSINESS

Apparently Adrienne Ferguson and Michelle Duke have seen Dirty Work a few too many times, because they are starting a revenge-for-hire company. Yeah, that might work.

Fees range from $35 to $250, depending how much revenge you'd like to serve. The business and its operatives then plaster scathing fliers all over a victim's neighborhood. Public humiliation accomplished.

Dropping scathing fliers around the neighborhood? That's your fucking revenge? I think I speak for just about everyone when I say your shit is weak Adrienne Ferguson and Michelle Duke. A scathing flier is barely a step up from writing an angry letter to the cable company or something. You want to make a dent in the revenge industry, you need to throw some dead hookers in the trunk and fuck shit up. But I guess this kind of garbage is to be expected when a couple of women decide to crawl out of the kitchen and try to embrace the entrepreneur within.

Listen, some women are pretty cool. Some have awesome tits. Some are even cool AND have awesome tits. But overall women kind of suck. They cry a lot and menstruate all over the place and watch Jon & Kate Plus 8 and suck at driving.

With that said, I'm all for women shattering their glass ceilings and breast feeding in public and whatnot, but this busines venture is doomed to fail unless these chicks substantially pick up their game. Scathing fliers are NOT going to get it done.

VERDICT:
the best quote from the article: "historically, a business like this has led to litigation." good luck retards

"I get older...they stay the same age"

2009-09-22T14:43:00.023-04:00

A RITE OF HAZING, NOW OUT IN THE OPEN

MILLBURN, N.J. — The principal of Millburn High, New Jersey’s top-ranked high school, says it has gone on for a decade: annual hazing by senior girls who create a “slut list” of incoming freshmen for the first day of school. A dozen or more names are written on a piece of notebook paper, with crass descriptions, and copies are passed around — hundreds this year, some say.

“We’ve had girls — which is one of the bad things — obsessed that their names are on it, and girls who were upset that they didn’t make the list,” said the principal, William Miron. “It’s basically vulgar.”

And that is not the only type of hazing that goes on, some girls say. Seniors blow whistles in some girls’ faces and jostle or push them into lockers, leaving them afraid to come to school the next day.

These tales were out in the open on Friday after half a dozen parents complained to public school officials and a discussion of hazing on a private e-mail group for mothers made its way around this Essex County township.

A slut list? That is fucking brilliant!! But I guess this is what we should expect from the Garden State's number 1 high school. A slut list puts everyone in their place from Day 1, not to mention saves the upper classmen dudes valuable time trying to figure out which freshman are D.T.F. and which ones are frigid prudes.

But leave it to a bunch of cunty mothers to start a goddamn emergency e-mail chain and try to shit all over a tried and true high school tradition. They'd probably take away the pledge of allegiance or dick sucking after prom if you gave them half a chance. Pathetic.

Luckily for the sake of freedom and democracy, these girls at Millburn High School are standing their ground and not ratting anyone out.

Most of the girls interviewed after school on Friday said they had never been hazed. Some had not even heard of the problem, and some of those who had said it was all in good fun. One girl talking with friends on Millburn Avenue several blocks from the high school said freshmen were unlikely to name names.

“Then you’ll be the loser,” said the girl, 14, who said she had not been hazed and whose father, contacted later, requested that she not be named. “And it gets much worse.”

This is really no coincidence when you again consider the number 1 high school ranking. Clearly the Millburn school system has built the first rule of the streets into their curriculum: Snitches get stitches. You don't get that kind of education just anywhere.

VERDICT:
i'll be honest. millburn high school isn't too far from me, and i wouldn't mind checking the slut list out for myself. just kidding. but seriously

Porn star tweet of the day

2009-09-17T14:09:00.011-04:00

Cum Spoiled Sluts? Anal Academics? Don't get me wrong, I'm just as big a fan of porn as the next guy with a hand, strong wrists, and 15 minutes to kill, but what the hell happened to clever names for porn?

Everyone knows that porn was built on 3 major tenets that have held it up through the course of time.
1. Hot chicks
2. Degrading cum shots
3. Awesome movie titles

Its like Jenga. You remove one vital piece and the whole system is going to crumble to the ground. You retards want reasons for global warming and the economic crisis and your wireless internet not working when you're taking a shit? It starts with this obvious fall of the porn biz. Its not all tuna dances and deep throating and sugar and spice and everything nice. What ever happened to giving 110%? Read through this list and I guarantee you think ooohh thats a good one at least 3 times. They just don't make em like they used to.

-Lord of the Cockrings
-American Creampie
-Enema of the State
-White Men Can't Hump
-Full Metal Jackoff
-Charlie's Anals
-My Big Fat Greek Titties
-The Slutty Professor
-Forrest Hump
-Nightmare on Cum Street
-Whoreassic Park
-Pulp Friction
-Ghost Fuckers
-Batman and Throbbin'

They say you can't judge a book by its cover, but you can damn sure judge a porn by its title. And that's all I have to say about that.

VERDICT:
anal academics has to have a great plot, right?

P.S. After reading this over, I have no idea what the fuck I'm talking about.

Ouch

2009-09-15T21:35:00.005-04:00

SAVAGE ATTACK LEAVES MAN WITH HALF A HEAD

I think someone is being a bit of a baby here. The dude has AT LEAST 3/4 of his head left, if not more.

Steve Gator got jumped and from the looks of things those guys were not messing around. Unfortunately for him, the "Crown Prosecution Service" has dropped the case to find the attackers since they don't have enough evidence. In other news, the Crown Prosection Service was just named the shittiest police force ever assembled.

Gator's mom was none too happy, saying, "Our boy is walking around with half a head - what more evidence do they need? I can't believe it."

And that, for some reason, reminds me of this:

VERDICT:
is it just me or does his head kind of look like an old beehive haircut from the 50's?

I ain't saying shes a gold digger.....

2009-09-15T14:13:00.009-04:00

MAN ACCUSED OF PLOTTING MAYHEM TO WIN WOMAN'S LOVE

Romeo and Juliet. Mr. and Ms. Pacman. Leonardo DiCaprio and whatshername from Titanic. History is littered with great pairings of love and romance, but sometimes its not so easy as gobbling up ghosts or drawing rich married chicks naked to court the one you love. Sometimes, like Jimmy Santiago-Dominguez, you gotta plot some mayhem to get 'er done.

35-year old Santiago-Dominguez was in a long-distance relationship with 23-year old Elissa Rodriguez, and had paid her rent, utilities, and gave her over $100,000 over the past 18 months. But apparently, the relationship wasn't quite progressing like Santiago-Dominguez had in mind. In addition to being a gold-digging whore, Rodriguez apparently set up Santiago-Dominguez's sister on a date with a dude who gave her herpes. And as the old Chinese proverb goes, Fool me once, shame on me. Give my sister herpes, shame on you. So what did Santiago-Dominguez do? The only logical think one can do when a gold-digging whore won't put out and gives your sister herpes.

The plan? Hire his roommate to kidnap Rodriguez, slash her face repeatedly with a utility knife and torch her Toyota. That way, Dominguez reasoned, he could "be there for her," helping his disfigured angel recover from her wounds by giving her tender care and a brand new car.

Fucking brilliant, right? How could something like this ever go wrong? Unfortunately, Santiago-Dominguez's roomate is a jealous prick, and ratted his boy out to the police. He was immediately arrested, and is being charged with mayhem, kidnapping, and arson. Now, kidnapping and arson are pretty self-explanatory, but how the fuck does someone get arrested for mayhem? That is just about as badass as it gets. I don't even think you could commit mayhem in Grand Theft Auto, and you could do pretty much anything in that game.

VERDICT:
as bono said, "in the nameeeee of retarded love, what more in the name of retarded loveeeeeeee."

Who let the dogs out? Ronnie Gilbertson did

2009-09-15T11:18:00.011-04:00

RONNIE GILBERTSON ABANDONS FAMILY FOR DEATH ROW DOG

Thomas Jefferson. John F. Kennedy. The guy who invented those Juicy pants. All true heroes, who will go down as leaders and visionaries in the annals of history. These men fought for what they believed in and didn't take no guff from no one (except for JFK, pretty sure getting shot in the fucking head counts as taking guff). The kind of men that I'd be proud to see my yet-to-be-conceived daughter with. Granted, my daughter will probably be white so Jefferson wouldn't be interested in her, but that's neither her nor there. Because this post isn't about Thomas Jefferson inventing jungle fever, and its not about JFK double teaming Marilyn Monroe with Joe DiMaggio, and its certainly not about the genius who gave men everywhere a legit excuse to check out a girl's ass. This post is a welcome-with-open-arms to another legend in history, Mr. Ronnie Gilbertson, who is redefining what it means to be man's best friend.

Gilbertson's dog, Max, was sentenced to be put down after attacking a few other dogs and killing a couple of sheep. Pretty harsh if you ask me, but I guess if the judicial system doesn't protect the rights of defenseless sheep, nobody will. Armed with only good intentions and a pair of wire cutters, Gilbertson broke Max out of doggy death row, just minutes before he was to be put down. The 2 have since gone on the lam, and nobody has seen Mr. Gilbertson or Max since. I'm pretty sure this was the exact plot of Beethoven, but I can't be certain, and I am too lazy to fact-check.

Gilbertson's girlfriend, Fiona Harvey, defends her man.

I don't have a problem with what Ronnie has done. I would hope he would do the same for our kids in similar circumstances.

Regrettably, I don't know Ronnie personally, but when his 2-year old daughter and 11-month old son are wasting away on death row for killing sheep and attacking dogs, there is no doubt in my mind he would break them out and go into hiding. Not just to stick it to the man or because he's a rabble-rouser, because its just the right thing to do, and sometimes, standing up for what you believe in is the only thing that matters. God bless you Ronnie Gilbertson. You are a true inspiration to all.

VERDICT:
they have death row for dogs? fucking retarded

Are you ready for some football?

2009-09-10T11:37:00.017-04:00

The NFL season starts tonight, and in honor of this momentous occasion, I would like to review two incredibly fucking retarded stories involving two superstars, Shawne Merriman and Ben Roethlisberger. I should note that sexual assault charges and domestic abuse cases are pretty much standard operating procedure in the NFL, but recently each of these stories has taken a pretty awesome turn for the better, and warrants some attention.
First, there is Shawne Merriman, the kind of guy who could make you poop your pants if you ever came across him in a dark alley. I dare you to look at that picture of him and tell me you disagree. And no you racist fucks, I'm not just saying that because he is a black dude. I'm saying it because he is a MASSIVE black dude and could rip me apart like a piece of construction paper without even thinking twice about it.

Anyway, Merriman is being investigated for choking his girlfriend, Tila Tequila, who is one of those chicks who makes me feel old and lame for not understanding why she is famous. Push comes to shove I would definitely do her, but if you don't see the resemblance between her and Stitch from Lilo & Stitch you need your eyes checked.

Merriman claimed that Tequila was shitfaced and trying to drive home from his house, and he was just trying to keep her safe. Tequila is claiming that she is allergic to alcohol, so she couldn't have been drunk and Merriman is lying. Classic case of he said/she said, but when alcohol allergies are involved, the shit is going to hit the fan every time. On another note, how a girl who goes by the name of Tila Tequila could claim to be allergic to alcohol is beyond me. Thats like the little Planter's guy saying he's allergic to peanuts. Makes no sense. But that's just a small taste of the kind of retarded shit that we must keep track of here at The World is Retarded executive complex.

Anyway, domestic abuse cases are a dime a dozen in the NFL, but this story just got a billion times better.

...witnesses at Merriman's home said the three-time Pro Bowl linebacker went to his bedroom with two women. Sources said Tequila walked into the room and Merriman asked her to join them. However, the sources said Tequila reacted angrily and threatened to have sex with a member of Merriman's entourage. According to sources, Tequila was intoxicated, and she got naked and attempted to leave the house.

Now, if I had a dollar every time my Asian side piece walked in on me in a 3some but refused to join in and instead stripped down and threatened to fuck one of my buddies, I'd be a rich, rich man. Just another day in the life, ya know?

Bottom line regardless of how this story ends up, I will always be left to wonder what the fuck it means to be allergic to alcohol.
As for Ben Roethlisberger, a few months ago some pretty ugly chick accused him of sexual assault, which he denied. Now, I can't say for certain because I'm no chick, and I'm not even a Steelers fan, but I have to imagine if a 2-time Super Bowl winning QB with the nickname "Big Ben" wants a particular piece of pussy, he wouldn't have much trouble getting it. Flash the Super Bowl rings, show off a badass scar or two, and BAM that bitch is wetter than a hobo on a rainy day.

This happened several months ago, and there's been a lot of back and forth bullshit since then, but this revelation just came out:

A lawyer for a Nevada casino worker accusing Ben Roethlisberger of sexually assaulting her last year at a Lake Tahoe resort wants a list of every woman the Steelers quarterback has slept with and any who have claimed sexual misconduct on his part. Reno attorney Calvin Dunlap filed the request late Tuesday as part of a court filing opposing motions to have the civil lawsuit dismissed. Dunlap also requested, among other things, Roethlisberger's telephone and e-mail records and for him to undergo psychiatric and physical examinations. His lawyers have suggested the same for his accuser, calling her "disturbed and calculating" and a "sex addict."

This chick is taking it to another level and clearly means business. This is like the Pearl Harbor of sexual assault cases. She's daring Big Ben to officially enter the war and fight back, but she knows it might not be worth the collateral damage it could cause him.

Its one thing to dabble in he said/she said crap like Tila Tequila, but requesting a list of every piece of ass Roethlisberger has tapped is like asking someone to count the grains of sand at the beach. The dude has his own freaking sandwich named after him for gods sake, and people with sandwiches named after them don't get there by accident. There are prerequisites and requirements, one of which is having plowed through more chicks than you can ever hope to remember. Lesson learned...you can't trust a disturbed and calculating sex addict any farther than you can throw her.

VERDICT:
neither of these stories are as retarded as plaxico burress, who SHOT HIMSELF IN HIS OWN MOTHERFUCKING LEG!!!!!!!!!

The r-word

2009-09-09T18:09:00.010-04:00

RETHINKING 'RETARDED': SHOULD IT LEAVE THE LEXICON?
This story was recently brought to my attention. Apparently there is a growing movement to ban the word "retard" from everyday use, especially in movies and TV. As a world renowned retard-identifier and leader and innovator in the field of retardization analysis, I feel I have no choice but to address this.

Let me first say that here at The World is Retarded, we take our use of the terms retard and retarded very seriously. Never is the use of this word meant to exploit or mock people who are actually mentally retarded, just the people who do things that are so fucking absurd, retarded is the only appropriate term to describe them.

Whether its a porn star telling the entire world about her asshole exercises or MILFs who keep their miscarriages in the fridge, what the hell are you supposed to call some of these people? Not to mention most real retards typically have pretty superhuman strength, and the last thing I need is to be attacked by one of those buggers. The only thing more embarrassing than getting beat up by a girl is getting beat up by a retard. So believe you me when I say we're not trying to intentionally ruffle any retarded feathers. Plus I've heard that shit is contagious.

VERDICT:
i know its not actually contagious. just remember, even the rainman was a re-tard

P.S. I do feel a little bad about this post. If it makes any difference I didn't really think The Ringer was that funny.

Bad idea of the day

2009-09-09T17:41:00.008-04:00

ISLAMIC SEARCH ENGINE IMHALAL FILTERS OUT POTENTIALLY SINFUL MATERIAL
A Dutch company just launched the world's first Islamic search engine, which apparently will warn the user and block out any searches of inappropriate words or terms.

The ImHalal service works like any other search facility until potentially illicit words are entered, when it rates the search from one to three on its risk of generating “haram” or forbidden material.

You show me 1 person who has never intentionally used the internet for some Level-3 haram action, and I will show you a fucking liar.

For the record, I don't mean to offend the Islam people out there, mostly because I am ignorant and scared that they all want to blow me up in the name of hummus or Al-Jazeera or whatever it is they do, but I am forced to ask here: What the shit is the point of the internet if you can't look at anything sinful or illicit? I'm not saying everyone uses this internet thing for evil, but lets just say if Jeopardy ever had a 2 girls 1 cup category, I would bet my bottom dollar that everyone playing along at home would sweep the fucking board.

VERDICT:
i'm no donald trump, but i just don't see this site working at all. the internet without sin is like a pop-tart without frosting, or a chick with no vagina. there's just no point

Um like shut the fuck up

2009-09-09T10:59:00.008-04:00

Are you fucking serious Ellis Lanksder? I'm not even the least bit surprised your name rhymes with wankster, because thats exactly what you look like right here. Now, I don't know you and you don't know me. And for the record, there is zero doubt in my mind that if you did happen to know me, and by some butterfly effect-type of miraculous moment in time you ever read what I'm writing about you and met me face-to-face, that you would be capable of beating the shit out of me. Like you could literally beat my ass until I shit myself out of my eyeballs, and I would probably be defenseless to stop you or even slow you down. I'm not disputing this. But all I'm saying is, you're in the freaking NFL now and you need to step up your game, both on and off the field.

I know you were a 7th round pick and are fighting to make the team, but like Ben Affleck said in Boiler Room before he became a fag and made a movie about being a freaking blind superhero, "Act as if. Act as if you are the fucking President of this firm. Act as if you got a 9" cock. Okay? Act as if."

Take Shawne Merriman for example. Merriman is one of the best players in the NFL. He has a silly mohawk and takes steroids and shakes the shit out of chicks like Tila Tequila. And do you think anyone gives a shit? Fuck no. Because he doesn't stutter like a 7th grade girl with Tourette's. He acts as if he is the fucking President of this firm and has a 90 pound dick and does whatever the fuck he wants. Act as if.

VERDICT:
1 more thing ellis wankster lanksder....stop calling everyone sir. this isn't 1960's alabama. didn't you ever hear of a dude named obama when you were skipping your public speaking class? shit done changed man

Deez nuts

2009-08-14T14:28:00.012-04:00

Seattle Mariners third baseman Adrian Beltre was placed on the D.L. yesterday after taking a bad hop to the groin area. Usually this wouldn't be too noteworthy, except, well, read for yourself:

There was some tearing of the testicle and apparently is some internal bleeding in there. The team is going to wait a bit to see whether he requires surgery.

Ahhhhhhh what the fuck!?? Internal bleeding in his nuts?? You'd think Beltre would be able to afford a few of these after signing his not-quite-worth-it $64 million contract back in 2005. Now any hopes he has of pumping out any little Beltres are as ruined as his own balls.

Bottom line, what separates the pretenders from the contenders in baseball is knowing the time and place to whip your nuts out. Fielding a ground ball? Keep it in your pants. Having some PVI with the likes of Jessica Biel, Minka Kelly, Scarlett Johansen, Gabrielle Union, or Jessica Alba? Let your nuts breathe. Its pretty much the golden rule of baseball. That's why Derek Jeter is a fucking champion, and why Adrian Beltre is named after Rocky's ugly wife.

The new murderer's row...worth protecting your junk for.

VERDICT:
2 things i never want associated with my testicles, in no particular order: tearing and internal bleeding

"We should mention that although the waters above appear calm, below the surface there is a frenzy of activity."

2009-08-14T10:18:00.011-04:00

Note: Just watch the video on Youtube.

I don't know about you, but I am sick and tired of all this violence going on in international women's water polo. Its a horrible black eye on this worldwide sport that means so much to so many, and the spirit of competition just doesn't need it. People watch these events for the entertainment of the game and the beauty of the athlete's efficiency in the water, and also because some of the chicks probably look hot when they climb out of the pool.

But this aqua-violence has got to stop. If these chicks are going to be fighting and throwing sucker punches, they need to do it outside of the pool, so when a titty pops out or the inevitable scissoring goes down, its much more visible and well worth the price of admission. And as we all know, titties popping out and scissoring is just as much a part of women's water polo as the water and the umm.....polo.

VERDICT:
USA!! USA!! USA!!

What the FUCK is this???

2009-08-13T23:58:00.008-04:00

BIZARRE ALIEN-LIKE SCENE OF TADPOLES FEASTING ON CHICKEN FROG EGGS

The expert research team here at The World is Retarded comes across some pretty fucked up shit on a regular basis, but sometimes we come across stuff that clearly stands out for its fucked-upedness. Like this video, which is apparently of some tadpoles feeding on the eggs of the mountain chicken frog fresh out of the womb. Personally I prefer my mountain chicken frog eggs over easy with a side of toast and hash browns, but that's just me.

VERDICT:
what the hell is a mountain chicken frog? is that like manbearpig?

Bambi is jealous

2009-08-13T23:36:00.009-04:00

B.C. WOMAN FIGHTS TO KEEP DEER IN HOME

Janet Schwartz has been living in Vancouver with a pet deer in her home for the past 5 years, and now the government is trying to evict it because, well....do you really need a freaking because? She LIVES WITH A DEER for fuck sake! Schwartz claims she rescued the deer, Bimbo, from its dead mother 5 years ago and took it in, and has been raising it ever since.

Since then, Bimbo has slept on a bed in Schwartz's home and eaten at her table, Schwartz said.

"She eats all the same food I eat. She'll eat anything, bananas, apples, potatoes, cookies, candy, pop. You name it, she'll eat it," said Schwartz.

"She'll give you kisses and she loves to dance to Elvis Presley. It's her favourite music," said Schwartz.

"And she'll get up on her hind legs to hug me," she added.

Now, I can believe that Bimbo likes to sleep in a bed and eat candy and dance to Elvis. Deer or no deer, beds are comfortable, candy is delicious, and Elvis is the fucking King for goodness sake. But I never in a million years will believe Bimbo the deer stands up and hugs and kisses Janet Schwartz. I know its not the best picture, but Janet Schwartz looks like an ugly, ugly woman, and yes I meant to write 2 ugly's because she is that gross looking. No deer with such great taste in music and snacks would have such poor taste in women, and that's just a fact.

VERDICT:
i can't wait for bimbo to pull a travis the chimp and rip janet's face off when she says no more candy before bedtime. only a matter of time

An elephant never forgets

2009-08-13T23:30:00.005-04:00

Maybe you're like me, maybe you aren't. But if you are, you too have wondered to yourself: What would a baby elephant look like if it fell down a manhole? Well, wonder no more, because here is your answer.

VERDICT:
only a retard elephant falls down a manhole

Whup that trick

2009-08-06T13:30:00.009-04:00

CHINESE TEENAGER BEATEN TO DEATH IN INTERNET ADDICTION CLINIC

The Guangxi Qihuang Survival Training Camp was built to "cure youngsters of their obsession with online gaming." In other words, this is a place for the biggest dorks and most pathetic virgins in all of China. But when 16-year old Deng Senshan came to the clinic, he barely had time to say SimCity 2000 before someone opened up a can of whup-ass on him that no cheat code could save him from.

His parents took their son to the Guangxi Qihuang Survival Training Camp in southern China on Saturday, paying 7,000 yuan (£605) for a month of treatment. Deng Fei, his father, told supervisors that his son was shy and introverted and they should avoid putting too much pressure on him during the first couple of days. They agreed.

Instead, the boy was placed in solitary confinement shortly after his arrival and then beaten by his trainers who scolded him for running too slowly when he was ordered to go jogging. He was pronounced dead in the early hours of Sunday morning.

This is a fucking sham and a mockery and a travishamockery. If a Chinese video game nerd can't feel safe at his internet addiction rehab clinic, where is he to turn? Who's left to trust? And who ever heard of a shy and introverted Chinese kid who plays video games? What a rare breed. What are you gonna tell me next, that he's good at math and has a grandmother who isn't a very good driver?

VERDICT:
the article goes on to say that over 10 million Chinese teens are addicted to the internet, but with enough porn to feed a small country, videos like this, and of course this awesome muthafreakin blog, who can blame them? there just aren't enough hours in the day

Condoms are for pussies

2009-08-04T20:30:00.012-04:00

STUDY: SEX WITHOUT CONDOMS MAKES PEOPLE HAPPIER, LESS DEPRESSED

Professor Stuart Brody from the University of the West in Scotland, has just concluded in a study "that unprotected penile-vaginal intercourse (PVI) can significantly boost men and women's mental well-being."

First of all, that I have never heard the term PVI before is a goddamn crime. Sometimes you just need an alternative to fuck, screw, bang, pound, beat, drill, or boink when you're talking about beating some box, and PVI could be a perfect fallback option.

Secondly, Professor Brody isn't exactly preaching anything we didn't know already. OF COURSE its better to get your PVI on without a slippery piece of latex stretched over you dick that makes it impossible to bust a nut and leaves your junk smelling awful. You don't wear a raincoat in the shower, and you don't wear sneakers to the beach either.

But you gotta respect a guy who does actual scientific studies to back up something the entire species of man has known for billions of years. As far as I'm concerned, Professor Brody deserves a Nobel, Pulitzer, Heisman Trophy, Purple Heart, key to the city, Oscar, and MTV Video Music Award for his incredible work.

But naturally, Professor Brody's claims have received some criticism, mostly from people who don't know how to successfully maneuver the ole' pull-out-and-aim-for-her-face move. To the haters, Profesor Brody has this to say:

Evolution is not politically correct, so of the very broad range of potential sexual behaviour, there is actually only one that is consistently associated with better physical and mental health and that is the one sexual behaviour that would be favoured by evolution. That is not accidental.

Ummmmm I have NO clue what the fuck any of that even means, but preach on Professor Brody. And remember, no means yes and yes means anal.

VERDICT:

"the controversial conclusions are based on a study of 111 men and 99 women in Portugal who completed questionnaires about frequency of sexual activity, their rate of orgasms and their condom use."

good enough for me

More uncomfortable to watch than meatspin, but much, much, much, much less gay

2009-08-04T19:38:00.007-04:00

To the untrained eye, this video is just 1 wrestler swinging another wrestler around 100 times in a row. But big whup I see that shit like 4 times a week. Dig deeper, and you begin to peel back layer after layer of incredible video footage.

The best part might be when the announcer squeals, "STILL GOING!!" when there are still 83 spins to go. 83!!!

VERDICT:
is this seriously a wrestling move?

The coolest motherfucker around

2009-07-30T10:16:00.008-04:00

Is this the coolest motherfucker around, or is this the coolest motherfucker around?

I would have to have borderline alcohol poisoning to dance like this in public. But that's why this kid is the coolest motherfucker around, and why I barely crack the top 10.

I don't mean to offend anyone when I say this, but is dancing cool as fuck just in black people's DNA? This kid is cutting up a rug like nobody's business and getting a shit-ton of pussy thrown at him, while the rest of us have to try to not end up like this kid.

VERDICT:
pretty good odds this kid helps eva angelina work her asshole out. now's also a good time to throw this video into the mix

-thanks to barstoolsports for the video

Porn star tweet of the day

2009-07-30T09:44:00.005-04:00

VERDICT:
does anyone know what that workout entails? regardless, thank god for twitter

Another one bites the dust

2009-07-27T16:42:00.012-04:00

SEA LION DIES OF SEX EXHAUSTION

MJ. Farah Fawcett. Ed McMahon. Billy Mays. Walter Kronkite. The Taco Bell Dog. It's been a rough summer, as we've lost one titan of industry after another over the past few weeks.

But now I regret to inform you that we've lost an international icon, one who proudly and feverishly spread his seed from the U.S. to Germany to Spain to Holland; a true international man of mystery. I am talking, of course, about the death of Mike, the sea lion who died from a rare condition known as 2MF - 2 Much Fuckin'.

Berlin - A male sea lion from California called Mike has died of exhaustion after over-exerting himself during the mating season in an animal park in Nuremberg, Germany, the city said on Tuesday.

The 19-year-old father of 12 offspring through three different females - Farah, Tiffy and Soda - showed signs of tiredness at around midday on Monday, the southern city said in a statement.

"Mike could no longer get out of the pool and was brought ashore by staff. The extremely weakened animal was treated by a vet but died from acute heart failure around 15:30 (1330 GMT)," it said.

"Mating season is a common time for fatalities when bulls often stop eating for days to devote themselves fully to mating. For sea lion bulls with a harem this is the most exhausting time," it noted.

The statement added that Mike's offspring can be found in zoos as far afield as Berlin, Spain and the Netherlands, and that the 285kg animal was so "good natured" that people could touch him.

So as the sun sets across the sky tonight from east to west; as the light gives way to darkeness and today fades into tonight, take a moment to stop what you're doing and pour some out for Mike.

He is a true inspiration to all of us who need to be reminded to "get busy living or get busy dying." And "living" to Mike meant not eating, not pooping, not even sleeping. Just straight beatin' on sea lion pussy until his fatass had to be dragged out of the pool. As a mentor and role model to slutty sea lions everywhere, Mike may be gone, but he will never be forgotten.

Your candle burned out long before,
Your legend ever did....

VERDICT:
farah, tiffy, and soda....do they name sea lions after strippers?

What the FUCK is this???

2009-07-27T00:03:00.012-04:00

PIGLET WITH MONKEY'S FACE

I'll be honest. Sometimes a part of me feels just the smallest amount of guilt for calling so many people retards. But then I realize I've made $1.78 in just over a month from this site, so I'm clearly on to something big. Straight cash homey. In all seriousness though, retarded isn't a very complimentary term, and people who are actually retarded would probably take offense to it if they could figure out how to use a computer, let alone learn how to read.

But with this thing, I don't feel bad at all because I have NO clue what the fuck this thing is. A baby pig with a monkey face? Are you kidding me?? This thing is Grade-A 100% Black Belt 2 Thumbs Up fucking retarded.

VERDICT:
literally fucking retarded. does anyone else think it looks a little like billy bob thornton from sling blade?

Question of the day

2009-07-23T22:32:00.002-04:00

Online Surveys & Market Research

Price Is Right Weird Guy - The most amazing bloopers are here

Official entry for retards of the year

2009-07-22T19:10:00.004-04:00

SON 'IN PLOT TO KILL HIS PARENTS'

We may just have a winner for fucking retard of the year, because Christopher Monks from jolly old England is such a weirdo someone could tell me this story is either complete bullshit or 100% true and I wouldn't even be surprised either way. If I've learned anything from writing this blog, its that fucking retards are all over the place, and whether its giant potatoes that look like little Asian girls or being able to pay money to shoot grenades at Somalian pirates, nothing is really that surprising anymore.

Christopher Monks and his bi-sexual boyfriend, Shaun Skarnes, met each other on a "furries" website. For those of you who are fortunate enough to get off on regular stuff like vaginas and boobies and butts and weiners, "furries" are people who pretend to be animal characters and share sexual role-playing fantasies. Giggity.

While chatting it up online on this website, Skarnes agreed to murder Monks' parents one night while they were asleep. In exchange for doing his dirty work, Monks didn't want any money or his furry dry cleaning bill taken care of or anything. All he wanted was for Skarnes to fulfill his ultimate sexual fantasy of having his dick bitten off. Seriously. How could I even make that up? HE WANTED HIS DICK BITTEN OFF.

Unfortunately, while Skarnes went to kill his furry boy toy's parents, he woke them up, and the father wrestled with the weirdo while the mother called the cops. Epic fail.

Mr. Monks stated, "There is no-one in our closest circle of friends who is not shocked at what has happened."

Really Mr. Monks? You mean your son was caught hatching a plan to murder you and your wife with his bi-sexual furry boyfriend in exchange for having his dick bitten off to fulfill a sexual fantasy, and all of your friends are shocked by that? I guess they weren't very close friends.

VERDICT:
the article also stated that "mr. monks was left with bruised arms, a cut palm and bite marks." as if this couldn't get any weirder, there were bite marks? jesus these kids are fucking retarded

Brick rhymes with dick, and thats the best I could come up with

2009-07-21T21:42:00.012-04:00

BUSES EQUIPPED WITH BRICKS

A Chinese bus company is equipping its vehicles with bricks for passengers to use to break windows in an emergency.

The bricks, painted yellow with "emergency use" written on both sides, are stored under the driver's seat and under a rear seat.

"It's easy for passengers to spot them, and use them to break the window if something happened," said a spokesman for the Harbin Public Transport Company.

The company had stopped providing passengers with safety hammers to break windows as they were always being stolen.

"We don't think anybody will be interested in stealing bricks," the spokesman added.

First of all, shouldn't these Chinese people just be able to karate chop the windows out if need be? OK OK, just kidding.

In all seriousness though, that spokesman clearly doesn't understand Rule 1 of petty theft. Just because it doesn't make sense to steal, doesn't mean nobody will steal it. How else do you explain why I have 1 of these plus about 15 exit signs from college in my room? Because I was drunk and knew I probably wouldn't get caught. But also because I am a fucking badass and I do what I want, that's why.

VERDICT:
too bad rosa parks didn't have a brick at her disposal when those guys made her give up her seat. nothing says leave me alone, i've had a long day like a quick brick-smash to the face

Runnin' train on himself, on a train

2009-07-20T19:24:00.006-04:00

SEX ACT AT WHEEL OF VIRGIN TRAIN

A train conductor was caught making his weiner sing while behind the controls of a train traveling over 125 mph. A colleague walked in on him mid-jerk while looking at porn. (Cue scene from Grandma's Boy: "I can't stop cumming!")

I guess this is the kind of think you've got to expect from a train line named after virgins. Good thing it wasn't the Gangbang Railroad Company. That could've been messy.

VERDICT:
have you ever driven a train 125 mph while rubbing one out? don't knock it till you rock it

Choo-chooooo

2009-07-20T19:22:00.003-04:00

Ever wanted to see someone survive getting hit by a train? Watch below. Its pretty brutal.

VERDICT:
luckily he survived. phew

"Seriously though, lock your car in the future"

2009-07-20T18:50:00.007-04:00

BURGLAR LEAVES NOTE

Matt Neary figured Fargo, North Dakota was a safe enough place to keep his car unlocked. Apparently he has never seen the movie Fargo, or else he would know that there is some fucked up shit that can happen even in the middle of bumblefuck North Dakota. Unfortunately for him, that fucked up shit was somebody breaking into his car and jacking his wallet, money, credit cards, and CD collection, but being kind enough to leave behind this note.

VERDICT:
was the fucking emoticon really necessary? talk about insult to injury

By golly gee willikers

2009-07-13T22:15:00.006-04:00

WHY THE #$%! DO WE SWEAR? FOR PAIN RELIEF

A new study published in NeuroReport shows that cursing can help alleviate sudden pain. An old study published in my mind shows that cursing makes pretty much everything a little funnier.

VERDICT:
cuntfuckshitcockbitchanalkellyclarksondildo. rapefeltchdiketitswhoreballsslutdouchebag. cumdiarrheabonerfaggotpussypubesabortiontwat

But obama has such a nice ring to it

2009-07-13T22:00:00.005-04:00

ZOO FORCED TO RENAME PRIMATE CALLED 'OBAMA'

A zoo in Germany named a baby monkey "Obama" in honor of a certain American president. His name is Barack Obama....some of you might have heard of him. Unfortunately, the Initiative for Black Germans called this racist and demanded the zoo change the primate's name.

Manuela Collmar, the zookeeper, explained that every year the zoo names newborn animals beginnning with the same letter. She had this to say in the zoo's defense:

“This year they all begin with ‘O,’ and one of the zookeepers chose ‘Obama’ – it was meant to be positive and an honour in light of his visit to Dresden in June,” Collmar said, adding that neither she nor her colleagues were aware of the history of using monkeys to caricature and ethnically stereotype black people.

You've got to give Manuela a break here. How could she be expected to know that monkeys are used to stereotype black people, especially when living in such an open-minded and sensitive country such as Germany? It's not like they have a history of intolerance or racism or anything.

VERDICT:
how many people could there possibly be in the initiative for black germans club? 30? 40 tops? i bet i had more people in my gym class in high school

He called the shit "poop"

2009-07-13T21:44:00.009-04:00

CHILD 'EATS' DOG MESS IN SHOCK AD

Shocking posters apparently showing a child eating dog's mess are being credited with a big clean-ip on Torbay's streets.

Torbay Council launched the controversial campaign at the end of April.
Councillor Dave Butt, cabinet member for community services, said that dog mess had more than halved from about 400 incidents in April to 185 in June.
He also said there had been no complaints about the posters.
The campaign by Torbay Council featured a hard-hitting image appearing to show a young child eating dog faeces which they found in a playground.

At first I thought this poster was telling people it was a £75 fine if you got caught eating dog shit, though apparently I'm just an idiot. But in a world threatened by economic recession, terrorism, global warming, and nuclear war, its good to see the Torbay Council focus on the real issues at hand: stopping little kids from eating dog shit.

This actually makes a ton of sense when you remember that the children are our future. Would you rather it be a little warmer outside, or have our future grow up on a diet of dog shit? I rest my case.

VERDICT:
i'm going to take the high road and not make any jokes about children putting "anything" in their mouths. but i want to. instead, i'll just link back to this

No comment

2009-07-13T21:37:00.004-04:00

Remember on the Fresh Prince, when Uncle Phil would mention how hungry he was or something, and Will wouldn't even make a fat joke because it was too easy? This is kind of the same thing.

VERDICT:
the potato obnoxiously giggles when you ask for more soy sauce

Drunk driver of the day

2009-07-13T21:31:00.004-04:00

This kid is fucking HAMMERED. I'm not judging though. We've all been there.

This also seems like a good time to look back at this drug addict in training.

VERDICT:
nice pink jeep. fag

90's PSA Friday

2009-07-10T02:42:00.005-04:00

I remember this one perfectly. To this day, if you ever ask me if I'm a chicken, I will immediately respond with, "I'm not a chicken. You're a turkey."

Good for Joey for standing up for himself....I guess. But why is that other kid offering weed to an 8-year old anyway? And why would that cunty little girl say to get a teacher? Nobody likes a snitch, cunty little girl. As Lil' Wayne said, "Ain't no snitches ridin' with us."

VERDICT:
kind of ironic that michelangelo says the kid should get a pizza after being offered some joints. and if you think i remembered that the orange ninja turtle was michelangelo, you're damn fucking right i did

Oompa loompa doompadee doo

2009-07-09T14:45:00.005-04:00

MAN FALLS TO DEATH INTO VAT OF CHOCOLATE

Some dude at a chocolate processing plant was hit with a mixing blade and fell into a vat of chocolate, where he died from an overdose of deliciousness. His name has not been released yet, but early reports confirm that he was NOT a fat kid named Augustus Gloop, and at this time the Oompa Loompas are not considered suspects.

In other news, a young woman at a nearby farm turned completely blue, expanded like a balloon, and then exploded when she ate a poisonous blueberry.

VERDICT:
does anyone else realize that all the kids except charlie in willy wonka die horribly painful and violent deaths??? kind of fucked up when you look back

The crop circle community has spoken

2009-07-08T22:55:00.004-04:00

MAYAN 'APOCALYPSE' CROP CIRCLE APPEARS AT SILBURY HILL

The giant pattern - thought to represent a traditional Mayan head-dress - appeared next to the tallest prehistoric man-made mound in Europe last week.
Members of the crop circle community believe the mystic symbol is a signal of the end of the 5,126-year Mayan 'Long Count' calendar on December 21, 2012.
Karen Alexander, a crop circle enthusiast, said: "This is one of the most interesting crop circles I have ever seen. It is definitely a Mayan symbol and we are sure it is linked to the Mayan calendar, which ends in 2012.

"It appears to be a warning about the world coming to an end when the calendar does. For the ancient Maya, reaching the end of a cycle was a momentous event, so we are taking this crop circle very seriously as an indicator of a possibly huge event in 2012."

After much thought, I'm pretty sure there are 2 schools of thought regarding these crop circles. The first group, apparently known as the "crop circle community" is trying to be helpful and has finally decided to share the official date for the end of the world. I've been waiting for-fucking-ever to get confirmation on the date, and now I can finally go about planning my final days before microwaves and iPhones take over and kill everyone.

But then there's a second school of thought. This group primarily consists of people who aren't fucking nuts, and who know from watching the movie Signs that crop circles can only mean 1 thing. And that 1 thing is pussy aliens who can be beat up with a baseball bat swung by Joaquin Phoenix.

Note: I realize if you've never seen Signs, this probably doesn't make sense. But just trust me.

VERDICT:
i don't know how the shit that crop circle got there, but this is a great opportunity to watch this clip and then ask yourself, why the fuck did he say vamonos to the tv? also, party at my house on december 20, 2012. the end of the world is the next day, so don't worry about a ride home

The boy who cried wolf, and the girl who cried rape

2009-07-08T22:21:00.001-04:00

WOMAN WHO CRIED RAPE AFTER DATE WITH MAN SHE MET IN INTERNET CHATROOM IS JAILED FOR A YEAR
First of all, is this the worst fucking news headline of all time? Leave something to the imagination, Daily Mail. Nobody is going to buy the cow if you can get the milk for free, I always say.

Anyway, Natalie Jefferson met Gary Wood online, and after meeting up for a drink 1 night, she suddenly left their date, claiming one of her kids had been taken to the hospital. When Gary called her later to check up on her, she told him she was raped by a stranger, which he didn't know was bullshit. What Gary also didn't know was that Ms. Jefferson had already called the police, claiming Gary Wood had been the one who raped her, which was even more bullshit.

Personally, I don't think Gary Wood had any business dating this bitch. Imagine going on a first date with someone, and not only do you find out that the chick has several kids, but then she tells you she was raped later that night? That is WAY too much baggage to deal with for just a first date. And maybe that makes me a bad person, but you can go enjoy going to Rape Anonymous meetings with someone you barely know. I'll be at home getting stoned and playing Guitar Hero. Winner, me.

VERDICT:
i'm sorry natalie jefferson, but you are a grade-A retarded cunt. someone needs to remind her of the boy who cried wolf. next time she actually does get raped, nobody is going to believe her. she dug her own grave

P.S. The picture of Megan Fox has NOTHING to do with this story. But go ahead and google "rape" and tell me which pictures you'd rather look at. You're welcome.

Sharapova, so hot right now

2009-06-29T10:31:00.000-04:00

CHRIS EVERT: WOMEN'S GRUNTING GETTING OUT OF HAND

Former female tennis star Chris Evert is bitching about all the grunting that current women's tennis players have been unleashing on the court.

Grunting is one thing but the shrill sound that you hear with players nowadays, and especially they get louder when they hit a winner, that's the thing that I observe as a player.

I gotta be honest. Those grunts and shrill sounds during a match can be freaking awesome. Take Maria Sharapova for example. She's probably the most popular woman's tennis player in the world, and also pretty smoking hot.

And sure, she is 6'2" and her vagina would probably eat me alive, but those orgasms she has during a match keep me tuned in, and I'm sure I'm not the only one. You think Nike or SportsCenter are doing Sharapova ads if she keeps it in her pants all the time? No freaking way.

The women's tennis tour knows what it's doing here, and the ratings don't lie. Take notes, WNBA.

VERDICT:
shut the fuck up chris evert. don't ruin the best thing your sport has going for it just because nobody wants to hear you busting a nut

P.S. Ana Ivanovic, I love you.

Ship's ahoy motherfuckers

2009-06-26T14:37:00.000-04:00

LUXURY YACHTS OFFER PIRATE HUNTING CRUISES
Are you one of those people who wakes up in the morning and says, "Goddamn, I am so sick of these fucking Somalian pirates. I wish I could shoot grenades and machine guns at them"? Well guess what? Now you can man up and put your money where your mouth is.

Luxury ocean liners in Russia are offering pirate hunting cruises aboard armed private yachts off the Somali coast.
Wealthy punters pay £3,500 per day to patrol the most dangerous waters in the world hoping to be attacked by raiders.

When attacked, they retaliate with grenade launchers, machine guns and rocket launchers, reports Austrian business paper Wirtschaftsblatt.

Passengers, who can pay an extra £5 a day for an AK-47 machine gun and £7 for 100 rounds of ammo, are also protected by a squad of ex special forces troops.

Nothing says badass like heading out on a Russian ocean liner, cruising to the Somalian coast to intentionally piss off modern-day pirates, and then shoot at them with a barrage of rockets, grenades, and machine guns. The only other place you could ever use a grenade or rocket launcher that I know if is in Goldeneye for Nintendo 64. Imagine if they offered a golden gun or the RC-P90 to shoot these pirates? I would jizz myself quicker than a 14-year old getting a lap dance in mesh shorts.

Seriously, if this isn't the coolest fucking vacation you could ever go on, I don't know what is. Maybe going to space to ring and run an alien's house? Actually that's not even close. Somalian pirate hunting missions sounds like something the Dos Equis guy would do. And I want in on the action.

VERDICT:
kind of retarded that you can actually pay to go out and blow people away with a grenade or rocket launcher, but i guess if its a somalian pirate nobody is going to complain. PETA might, because they seem to bitch about everything, but whatever, i'd pay to shoot grenades at them too

"I didn't think they'd use puppies"

2009-06-26T13:45:00.000-04:00

NIGERIAN SCAM DISGUISED AS A PUPPY SALE

I was going to call this dumb bitch a dumb bitch for falling for an online Nigerian scam. She paid $850 for 2 Yorkshire terrier puppies from Nigeria, but - surprise, surprise - they never came.

But in her defense, this story involved kind-hearted missionaries plus puppies, 2 things that, when combined, overshadow the fact that you have to send money to someone you don't know in a place like Nigeria. I mean, the name of the country is practically the n-word. I wouldn't trust that shit, but who would think to question the motives of a missionary? And then if you throw puppies into the equation, you just become blinded by their cuteness, and all bets are off after that.

VERDICT:
fucking adorable

Spark that shit

2009-06-26T10:52:00.000-04:00

TWO-YEAR OLD 'WORLD'S YOUNGEST SMOKER'

A 2-year old kid in China is now known as the world's youngest smoker, after his dad admitted he taught his son how to smoke as a baby to ease the pain from a hernia he was too young to have surgery for. The kid is now smoking a pack a day.

This might make a tiny little bit of sense if he was at least smoking weed to ease his pain, but this kid is just chain-smoking butts all day. What the hell good does that do? If he can't have one, he starts screaming and rolling around on the floor, kind of how I get when my dealer won't text me back. But I'm a grown ass dude, not a Chinese baby. And no weed for me = no awesome blog for you.

VERDICT:
newsflash of the future: 2-year old in china becomes youngest person to die of lung cancer

90's PSA Friday

2009-06-26T03:01:00.000-04:00

Last week saw the start of the world-renowned 90's PSA Friday. I'm pretty sure this video below was just made so people could laugh at it 15 years later. That's the only reasonable explanation. So thanks to whoever thought this was a good idea.

VERDICT:
if you know someone who loves "thats what she said jokes", show this to them and it will make their head explode

She also shits on the ground, eats hay, and has a 22-inch dick

2009-06-23T20:42:00.000-04:00

Are you tired of walking around and blending in like everyone else? Are you ready to look like a total fuckhead? This might be the perfect invention for you.

VERDICT:
i can't think of a single good purpose for this. this lady looks ridiculous. she's just clomping around....at least gallop or jump over a fence or something

Those who can't do, teach...and those who can't teach, chill out in the rubber room

2009-06-23T20:16:00.000-04:00

700 NYC TEACHERS ARE PAID TO DO NOTHING

NEW YORK – Hundreds of New York City public school teachers accused of offenses ranging from insubordination to sexual misconduct are being paid their full salaries to sit around all day playing Scrabble, surfing the Internet or just staring at the wall, if that's what they want to do.
Because their union contract makes it extremely difficult to fire them, the teachers have been banished by the school system to its "rubber rooms" — off-campus office space where they wait months, even years, for their disciplinary hearings.

Holy shit are you kidding me? These teachers are getting paid 70 grand a year to do NOTHING!!! I have 3 things to say to this: Sign. Me. Up.

VERDICT:
suddenly becoming a nyc teacher is the 2nd best job ever, right after living on a tropical island in australia. (update: bump both of those 1 spot down the list. this is officially the best job of all time)

Retard of the day

2009-06-23T19:48:00.000-04:00

'I LIED ABOUT TATTOO BLUNDER BECAUSE MY FATHER WAS FURIOUS': TEENAGE GIRL WITH 56 STARS ON HER FACE FINALLY COMES CLEAN

Kimberly Vlamnick got a bunch of stars tattooed on her face last week. 56 stars to be exact. When she realized how fucking horrible she looked, she claimed she fell asleep while getting the tat and had no idea she would wake up with that many stars drawn on her face. How the hell anyone could fall asleep while getting tattoos on their face is completely beyond me, but this is the bullshit Kimberly tried telling everyone.

But now she has admitted that she is a dirty, dirty liar, and a fucking horrendous liar at that. "I asked for 56 stars and initially adored them. But when my father saw them, he was furious."

Ummmm no shit Kimberly. You think your dad would've been happy that your face looked like the cover of Goodnight Moon? You're lucky he didn't beat the stars right off of you. Is that one on your ear? Really???

VERDICT:
the 56 tattoos was retarded enough. but to try to say you fell asleep while getting your face tattooed is completely fucked. to top it off, this is a picture of the guy who did the tattoos. classic

Fat kid of the day

2009-06-23T02:46:00.000-04:00

Weirdo. Chubby. AND a ginger kid. This kid is fucked.

Happy father's day

2009-06-22T02:17:00.000-04:00

This video is dedicated to dad's everywhere in honor of Father's Day, who can all be happier than a pig in shit that this isn't their son. Unless you're the 1 guy who's son this is, than that just sucks.

The kid's mom deleted his World of Warcraft account, and his brother recorded him freaking the fuck out.

Just a warning, this has the potential to be one of the top 5 greatest YouTube clips of all time. One day you will look back at this moment, and you will remember exactly what you were doing and where you were doing it and everyone who you were with when you first saw this clip. And a smile will slowly slide across your face as you begin to think back to how much this clip not only changed you, but changed the way you saw the world and changed the way the world saw you.

And as you think back to similar life-altering moments throughout the course of history, for as long as the sands of destiny have sifted through the hour glass of life, you begin to wonder how many lucky others have had the opportunity to stand at this crossroads of time with their own fate in their hands. And then you realize you were just high as shit and seriously have NO idea what is wrong with this kid, but goddamn it is fun to watch.

VERDICT:
did he stick the TV remote up his ass at 1:10? where the hell did that come from???

Halle-freaking-lujah

2009-06-20T01:53:00.000-04:00

SONIC DRIVE-IN FINALLY MAKES IT TO METRO AREA

New Yorkers hungry for burgers and nostalgia can look no further than 12 miles across the Hudson River come this weekend.

Sonic Drive-in, the burger chain where rollerskating staff deliver piping hot burgers and fries to parked cars (gum popping and bobby socks optional), has finally made it to the metro area.

Rather than make the 100-plus mile journey to the next closest location in Delaware, fans of the chain will be able to scarf down the chain's eats in Hasbrouck Heights, NJ, starting tomorrow.

"We're a drive-in concept much like you saw years ago, when you actually had drive-ins. There's just not many of them left anymore," Sonic Senior Vice President Drew Ritger told the Bergen Record.

The chain which started as a hamburger and root beer stand in 1953 in Shawnee, Okla., has over 3,500 restaurants nationwide, but this is the first tri-state area location.

They had scouted Big Apple locations in the past, but couldn't find enough space to house at least 20 car stalls.

VERDICT:
FUCK YESSSSS

Role model of the day

2009-06-19T23:23:00.000-04:00

Kenyon Martin, showing what the NBA is all about.

Little known fact: Kenyon was actually talking to the kid from the picture below.

There's something to be said for calling someone a "muthafuck" instead of a "muthafucker." Maybe its just me, but taking out the -er just sounds more hateful. Try it sometime. YOU MUTHAFUCK.

VERDICT:
the nba. where caring happens

Sweet purse

2009-06-19T23:09:00.000-04:00

90's PSA Friday

2009-06-19T20:41:00.000-04:00

VERDICT:
its ironic/retarded that this video is wayyyy more entertaining if you're stoned. thanks, early-90's. in other news, i just found my new ringtone

The foxy flight attendant rap

2009-06-19T19:10:00.001-04:00

I know what you're thinking. Why are these lovely women beat boxing? Is this supposed to be a rap? What the hell is going on here?? The only answer to these questions is, who the shit cares??

These girls could be singing 99 bottles of beer on the wall in Chinese-pig latin for all I care. Quickly, rank their hotness from 1-5........Trick question. Its impossible! Picking a hotter girl from these 5 is like arguing about the chicken and egg. You've got a hot dirty blonde, a hot brunette, 2 regular hot blondes, and the hot half-black chick in the middle with tits from heaven.

VERDICT:
not retarded at all. this is awesome

Shitty credit

2009-06-18T20:40:00.000-04:00

VERDICT:
whats even more retarded than her asking is that someone will probably do it

Lord of the flies, and the entire universe

2009-06-18T20:38:00.000-04:00

Reason #843 why Barack Obama is the man: Ninja reflexes.

Now, I'm not very political, and thats not the point of this site at all. If something in the news doesn't concern my fantasy baseball team or some sweet titties, I'm probably not interested. And yea, I voted for Obama, but it was mostly because he plays basketball and watches The Wire. But regardless of who you voted for, you can't deny that Obama is the fucking man. He's our generation's Frank Sinatra or Fonzie.

A while ago I asked a friend of mine, who's both a big golfer and a big pot smoker, if he would rather golf 18 holes with Tiger Woods, or smoke a joint with Barack. He answered smoking with Barack quicker than the man, the myth, the legend himself swatted that fly.

It should also be noted that if George Bush ever tried to pull this off, he probably would've slapped a baby or poked his own eyeball out.

O-BAM-A!! O-BAM-A!!

White men can't jump, these black dudes can't dance

2009-06-18T00:36:00.000-04:00

Wow. What the fuck is going on here?? Apparently the song is from a Zelda video game, but I had no idea black dudes even played video games other than Madden, let alone had dance parties to the Zelda soundtrack.

On a sidenote, big up to the Indian dude from Parks and Recreation for posting this video on his blog. Not that he reads this site (your loss Indian dude from Parks and Recreation), but apparently I should be crediting other websites when I find shit like this. Whatever.

VERDICT:
this is like a weirder, gayer boyz II men video

Take me out to the ballgame....then kick me out for being too awesome

2009-06-18T00:15:00.003-04:00

UMPIRE EJECTS ENTIRE CROWD DURING BASEBALL GAME

Some umpire at a high school baseball game in Iowa ejected over 100 spectators from the game for being "unruly." Now, I can admit that umpires have a pretty thankless job. If they do their job right, nobody notices, but if they screw up, everyone hates them. However, I still have several issues with this schmuck in Iowa.

First of all, this is the most un-fucking-American thing I have ever heard of. Baseball is our national past time, and if you can't get drunk and yell obscenities here, what the hell are you supposed to do? Be one of those fucking weirdos who goes to a game listening to the radio broadcast on his walkman and keeps his own score card? Fuck that. You know where else they kick fans out for heckling? Fucking Baghdad. And Nazi Germany. And probably North Korea too. (Or maybe South Korea? Whatever the bad one is with the funny little guy in charge.)

Secondly, unless I'm playing in the game, this ump has zero authority over me. I know it. He knows it. Everyone should know this. As far as I'm concerned, I would tell this ump to take the $25 he makes per game and stick it up his cunt. OK, I probably wouldn't say cunt if there were parents around because I'm kind of a pussy and I wouldn't want any of the parents in attendance to tell my mom what I said. But I digress. This isn't the 18th at Augusta. This is a freaking high school baseball game!! Heckling is just as much a part of baseball as Dominicans, sunflower seeds, and steroids.

Its also important to remember that this game was in Iowa. Last I checked, the Hawkeye State wasn't exactly a thriving cultural center. Once you get kicked out of the local high school baseball game, your entire weekend is pretty much shot. All because of some shithead umpire.

VERDICT:
fuck you ump. go shove your 25 bucks up your cunt

Little kids eating pavement

2009-06-10T15:59:00.000-04:00

If you don't think this is funny, you either have no sense of humor, or are a pretentious shit-eater.

VERDICT:
i'm pretty sure the forefathers of the internet did not have this kind of thing in mind when they were doing.....whatever it is someone would do to invent the internet, but thank god they did

You got knocked the fuckkk out

2009-06-07T20:50:00.000-04:00

Two things. 1. Note its the kid to his left that is fucking with him. 2. Why the fuck did he take his shirt off?

VERDICT:
closed-fist is usually always better than an open-hand bitch slap, but in this case the bitch slap was fucking AWESOME. and now that i think about it, ripping your shirt off before slapping someone out of their goddamn chair is fucking badass. touche

Retard of the day

2009-06-01T20:29:00.000-04:00

EGYPTIAN REPORTEDLY SEVERS PENIS FOR LOVE

: (I can only assume Megan Fox is better than a picture of a guy with his dick cut off. Much better.)

CAIRO (AP) — A 25-year-old Egyptian man cut off his own penis to spite his family after he was refused permission to marry a girl from a lower-class family, police reported Sunday.

After unsuccessfully petitioning his father for two years to marry the girl, the man heated up a knife and sliced off his reproductive organ, a police official said.

This is the ultimate catch-22. Sure you may think you're spiting your family by cutting your dick off, but in the long run you're really just fucking yourself. But since you no longer have a dick, its impossible to fuck yourself. Condundrum!!

VERDICT:
whether you're married or not, you're gonna need that dick, buddy. have fun sitting to piss the rest of your life

Retard of the day

2009-05-31T21:47:00.000-04:00

What the fuck is this guy doing? And does he own the gayest dog in the world?

VERDICT:
seriously, what the FUCK was this retard doing?

"Trimmin' the bush to make the tree look taller"

2009-05-31T20:26:00.000-04:00

I have no idea if this was actually put out by Gillette or not, but assuming it was...ummm WHAT THE FUCK???

VERDICT:
good to know

Lil' retard of the day

2009-05-31T19:51:00.000-04:00

Think what you will, but little kids freaking out like a bunch of retards is always hilarious in my book. A few years ago I worked at a summer camp, and one time this kid was running toward some metal bleachers, tripped over his own little retard feet, and cracked his forehead on the side of the bleachers, resulting in an inch-wide gash and plenty of blood. Granted, it was probably pretty painful, and he probably has a badass scar years later, but he was freaking out like an autistic kid during a school fire drill, and we had to shoot him with 3 horse tranquilizers just to calm him down. OK, I made that last part up, but this kid was FREAKING out.

I'm not quite sure if that story has much to do with this video, but what the fuck is wrong with this little girl? She's standing there freaking out like that guy in Austin Powers who's about to get run over by the steam roller, but has like 2 full minutes to move and still gets run over. And how big of a cunt is the mother? Jesus mom, relax.

VERDICT:
children: our future? or the biggest fucking retards on earth?

Learn-something-new-everyday video of the day

2009-05-29T18:45:00.000-04:00

Have you ever wondered what it looks like to see a matador get speared by a bull? Wonder no more. I dare you to not make a sound that's impossible to spell when he starts flopping around.

VERDICT:
ouch

No means yes, yes means anal

2009-05-19T20:20:00.000-04:00

PORCUPINE TAKES REVENGE ON TOURISTS BREAKING SEX LAWS

I don't know how credible this "Russian Today" website is, but I don't even think you could make this shit up. Two tourists from St. Petersburg were visiting Florida, when they apparently got wasted and decided to eff a porcupine....even though that is strictly forbidden by Florida law.

Of all animals to NOT eff, a porcupine seems like a no-brainer, right up there with a bull, crocodile, and Sarah Jessica Parker. Why this would even need to be a law is completely beyond me, but I digress.

Anyway, this porcupine decided she (he?) wasn't in the mood to be Eiffel Tower'd by a couple of shitfaced Communists, and she/he let them know.

The newspaper didn’t go into technical details about what happened next, but the next day both men, who spent the night taking a flight to Los Angeles, had to go to Cedars-Sinai Medical Center. The diagnosis was hardly unexpected: porcupine needles in the genitals.

The damage caused by the porcupine fighting for its honor was horrific. Both Anton and Evgeny had severe inflammation and nearly lost their private parts. At least they didn’t have to answer to the law, having left Florida before seeking medical help.

So to review, these 2 double-teamed a porcupine, mangled their junk, and flew from Miami to Los Angeles with porcupine needles in their dicks BEFORE going to a hospital!!

VERDICT:
i've gone entire flights having to take a shit or sitting next to a fat guy. i once threw up all over myself 2 hours into a 20 hour trip back from australia to the US. another time i watched the fucking notebook because that was the only movie being shown on the flight. but none of that can possibly compare to a cross-country flight with porcupine needles stabbed into your balls. that is fucking retarded

"Smells like a used diaper filled with Indian food"

2009-05-19T02:30:00.000-04:00

INDIAN DAD AVOIDS WASHING FOR 35 YEARS: REPORT

: (FYI, this is Lord Shiva)

Now, I know what you're thinking. Ugh, Indian people are smelly enough, but this dude didn't shower for 35 freaking years?!! Thats's fucking gross. He probably smells like Big Foot's dick.

Well get those narrow-minded, ignorant thoughts out of your head you racist piece of shit, because Kalau Singh is the fucking man. Apparently, after having 7 daughters, he got fed up with those whiny little bitches, so he changed up his daily routine to ensure his next kid would be a boy. Apparently back in the day, "a seer once told Kalau that if he does not take a bath, he would be blessed with a male child." Not sure what this seer's credentials were, but Kalau took his advice to heart.

Kailash "Kalau" Singh replaces bathing and brushing his teeth with a "fire bath" every evening when he stands on one leg beside a bonfire, smokes marijuana and says prayers to Lord Shiva, according to the Hindustan Times.

Except for standing on 1 leg next to a fire and praying to Lord Shiva, I have the exact same evening routine. Though I also brush my teeth and shower. So really not the same routine at all except for the marijuana part, but Kalau sounds a lot more interesting than when you first started reading, doesn't he?

Kalau said, "It's just like using water to take a bath. A fire bath helps kill germs and infection in the body."

It should be noted he was probably high as shit when he said this, seeing as how the grocery store he used to own was forced to shut down when customers complained of his "unhealthy personality."

VERDICT:
on 2nd thought, when other indian peeps are complaining you smell, it must be awful. unless his son is the next slumdog millionaire, i don't think it was worth it

Hide and go seek: fish-style

2009-05-18T21:46:00.001-04:00

FISH FOUND IN BOY'S PENIS

A 2cm long fish apparently found it's way into the penis of a 14-year-old boy from India in a bizarre medical case.

Ugh. Well, between that and the headline, this story is pretty self-explanatory. The boy claims this happened when he was cleaning his fish tank at home, which raises the question why the fuck was he cleaning his fish tank with his penis???

If you want to dry-heave, feel free to read the details of how doctors removed the fish.

VERDICT:
i don't buy that this happened when he was cleaning his fish tank. seems a little fishy to me. get it? fishy? ba-dum-chh!! either way, the fish might be just as retarded as the kid

Parade of the day

2009-05-15T13:04:00.000-04:00

WORLD'S LARGEST BIKINI PARADE ON LAS VEGAS STRIP

What a genius marketing campaign. In case gambling, legal prostitution, and drinking 24 hours a day weren't enough to entice you to visit Las Vegas, now there's a parade of 300 hot chicks walking around in bikinis.

This was done to mark the 50th anniversary of the construction of the neon "Welcome to Las Vegas" sign that greets the city's visitors. Whatever.

VERDICT:
not sure i see the connection between a neon sign and 300 chicks in bikinis, but i really don't need to see a connection as long as i see 300 chicks in bikinis. in the words of those weird cartoon-guys from the guinness commercials, "brilliant!"